Nights of the Old Republic
by Niki Chidon
Summary: The compulsory 'walkthrough' story for KotOR. Ultimately, a femRevan/Carth lovestory.
1. Prologue

Disclaimer: George Lucas doesn't like to admit Star Wars characters can do adult stuff. Don't tell him I wrote this, okay? Bioware owns the characters.

Notes: Some dialogue and events from the game have been rearranged or reworded for the purposes of storytelling. Sometimes, to understand the narrative, you probably do need to remember the game.

o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o

Prologue: Endar Spire

o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o 

It was obvious that what had woken her up were the explosions that made the whole place shake. As her thoughts cleared a bit she remembered that disorientation upon waking up was something familiar to her these days.

She was on her feet and looking for her clothes when a man rushed in. She had recalled enough to place herself on a Republic ship Endar Spire but the man she couldn't place. Ah, at least that was for a reason. 

"I'm Trask Ulgo," he was explaining at her questioning stare, "we are actually roommates but work opposite shifts. Guess you've never seen me. Anyway, as you might have noticed, we're under attack. Sith ambush. We need to get to the Bridge!"

"Just let me grab my gear."

It wasn't much, a standard issue blaster and a spare medpac – never leave home without it. Oh yeah, some security spikes. Old habits die hard...

"Why did you come to me?" she asked while tying the gun holster to her thigh. 

Trask looked back from the door where he was punching in the necessary codes to get out of the room, "I'm just a tech," he grinned, "can't do much to protect the VIPs on my own, but I read your file a while back and knew you'd get yourself out of this ship. Figured you'd get me too."

"Fair enough," she answered with a grin of her own and followed him out of the door. 

"The first priority is toAAAAAAH!" his sentence was cut short by Sith troops.

Her blaster skills left some room for improvement but these drones she could take care of. Not like she could sneak by them with Trask to babysit, anyway. 

"Damn! Everyone's dead," Trask mumbled as they'd made their way to the bridge. They looked at each other, and their personal communicators buzzed to life.

"This is Carth Onasi. Bastila got off the ship, that's the important thing. Head to the escape pods, everyone."

"Good!" Trask at least seemed happy but she would not feel she'd accomplished anything unless she got him to safety as well.

"You know Commander Onasi? He's the best damn pilot the Republic has. I'm glad he's still alive."

Trask had the layout of the ship memorised, and was leading them towards the pods relatively unbothered when suddenly their way was blocked by a figure in a black hood. Damn! A dark Jedi – she knew she was no match for him but was determined to hold him long enough for Trask to get to safety – but before she could move he acted on the same impulse.

Clutching a vibroblade he hardly knew how to use, Trask lunged at the dark figure.

"Go!" he was yelling, "you have a better chance of getting out than me!"

"Trask!" she found herself shouting at a locked door. "Bugger," she muttered, knowing that the young man was probably dead already. No point in wasting his sacrifice.

Well, at least she could make use of her sneaking skills now. She switched on the stealth mode on her belt and tiptoed round the corner, past some soldiers... a-ha! A computer terminal. She didn't have the access codes but one spike was enough to give her access to the security camera systems. She swore under her breath when the next room was shown to be full of soldiers. The two in this room she could handle but a whole squad? No way to sneak past them and no other way to her destination. Think, woman, think... What's in the room? Well, well, well... an abandoned assault droid slumped in the corner.

The soldiers in the room still noticed nothing when she sneaked by them again to get to the other end and surveyed the droid. Her repair skills weren't _that_ great but she'd been tinkering on droids before and knew she'd be able to achieve the simple task of re-activating the droid and its weapons systems...

Gotcha! The droid happily shot the two soldiers in the room and advanced to the door the Sith on the other room had opened when hearing the shots...

Her communicator buzzed again, "Well done! I was just about to inform you about the crowd next door but you seem to have it under control."

She grinned, listening to the sounds of blaster fire and screaming. 

"I love that droid! I want to take him with me."

"Sorry, I'm afraid we're out of room. Hurry."

"See you soon, sir," she finished, absentmindedly wondering why he wasn't using his rank in his communiques.

She grinned again, hurrying past the dead Sith cluttering the floor, and picking up a spare medpac or two that were lying next to their previous owners who hadn't had the chance to use them.

Beyond the next door were the escape pods... pod... oh dear. The man standing in front of them followed her eyes and grinned. 

"Yeah, sister, I'm afraid that's the only one left. That's why I had to wait for you – we need to share."

"Others?"

"You're the last one alive."

She spared a quick thought to Trask Ulgo while raking her gaze over this tall, masculine form encased in orange and black, and thanking the stars for her own considerably smaller body.

"We should fit," she merely said before crawling in.

As he followed, she met the sparkling brown eyes from mere centimetres from her face.

"Hi! I'm Shin Cidon," she grinned, wrapping her arms around him.

"Carth Onasi," he answered and pressed the launch button. "I hate these things," she heard him mutter against her hair before losing consciousness due to the pressure.


	2. Chapter 1

Chapter 1: Taris, day 1

Two days and no visible injuries left but the woman was still unconscious.

Carth had been intrigued by the fact his companion was the mysterious ex-smuggler the Jedi delegation had specifically requested for the journey. Who was she anyway?

He had woken up from their rather inelegant landing to find her still wrapped around him and still unconscious. Blood had covered her face from a hidden wound somewhere on her scalp. Seeing no other pods around them he had had to concentrate on getting her to safety.

Luckily they had crashed on the 'right' side of the planet, and a few credits got them an abandoned apartment in a run-down building aliens used as a shelter in this xenophobic city. Well hidden among the rest of the castaways.

Carth did the the best he could with what he had, not daring to leave the unconscious woman alone for longer than necessary. He cleaned her wounds the best he could and used their emergency medpacs on her, ignoring his own smaller injuries. Even the head wound seemed to heal up nicely - yet she was still unconscious.

He left only for long enough to secure some food, they'd worry about the rest when she came through.

The second night her condition changed. She appeared to be sleeping in stead of being unconscious. At least, she seemed to be dreaming. She was restless, too, and sounded like she was in pain.

Carth had taken to sleeping next to her on the narrow bed, just in case. Not to mention the fact that the place had about enough materials to make one of the three beds habitable. They also had no way of heating the room, and the first night, when she kept shivering despite all the blankets Carth had simply wrapped himself around her and warmed her with his body heat.

He gathered her into his arms again, now, and tried to soothe her by contact and soft whispers. So like when he'd calmed Dustil after a nightmare... For a second he allowed himself to remember his son, then pushed the memory away forcefully, and concentrated on making a wounded fellow-soldier feel better.

o o o

He was already up but close by when she finally woke up. Straight from her dream, eyes open and scanning the place, finally resting on him. The gaze held no recognition.

'Guess I'm not unforgettable,' he grinned inside his head but kept his face neutral as he approached her and spoke aloud: "How are you feeling?"

She just looked at him, unblinking.

"I'm Carth, one of the Republic soldiers from the Endar Spire. I was with you in the escape pod, remember?"

Expression returned to her dark eyes and she sat up a little shakily.

"Yeah, I remember, Carth Onasi. Commander."

"Call me Carth."

"Shin," she said, then, looking down on herself, grinned, "I suppose a guy who's undressed me and put me to bed is entitled to call me by my first name."

He wasn't a blushing type but somehow the memory of the nights spent holding her made him feel uncomfortable and he was glad when she changed the subject by asking about her condition, gingerly touching her head.

"You were unconscious for two days. I was starting to wonder whether I should risk finding a doctor when your condition changed to sleep."

"I remember... some sort of a dream, almost like a vision."

"Well, you hit your head quite severely, who knows..."

"Where are we?"

Carth explained what he knew about Taris in general and the building in particular, all the while keeping an eye on her movements, looking for signs of faintness as she got up, stretched and reached for her clothes he had folded next to the bed.

"I had to wash them the old-fashioned way so I couldn't get rid of all the blood. You hungry?" he asked, to distract her from the state of her clothing.

"Starving," she smiled.

"Good. Then you might be able to get down the food we have."

They discussed their situation over the breakfast.

"So... we need credits, supplies, and leads."

"Yes. Finding Bastila must be our first priority but we also need to eat."

"Well, let's go explore our opportunities."

"You sure you're up to it?"

"I feel surprisingly fine. Thank you, doctor Carth."

"You sure? You seemed quite disoriented when you first woke up."

Her face turned dark, "that, unfortunately, is something I have to live 

with."

He shot a curious glance at her but recognised the 'no trespassing' look on her face.

"Here," he said instead, "I cleaned up your blaster. It seems to work alright."

"Thanks."

They exited their safe haven, and decided to have quick look around the building.

"Tell me about yourself, Carth," Shin asked, after a while.

"Me? I'm just your ordinary star-pilot."

"Really? My roommate at the Spire called you one of the Republic's best pilots."

"Well, I've seen my share of wars... and I suppose I've gathered a sort of an reputation along the way."

"Uh-huh. Hey, what's going on in here?"

A raid, as it turned out. The Sith decided they were Republic fugitives, and they had to shoot their way out. Carth noted that his companion could more than hold her own in a combat.

The alien the Sith had originally been harassing spoke to Shin, who appeared to understand him.

"He'll take care of the corpses for us," she explained to Carth.

Her linguistic abilities dazed Carth over the following hours. She seemed to speak an amazing amount of alien languages and understand even more. More, she was polite and patient with everyone they came in contact with, and he was happy to let her do all the talking. She was obviously better suited for that than the simple soldier he knew himself to be.

Her skill was almost enough to make him suspicious if it had not been for the fact that her defining feature seemed to be that way she'd go out of her way to _help_ everyone she could, from a scared woman who had angered a thug enough to set a bounty on her head to an old Ithorian who was bullied by some human children.

She used their last medpac, the one he'd been saving, to heal the said Ithorian's wounds. When the old man walked away she turned her concerned eyes on him: "I'm sorry, I hope you don't mind - I just... I couldn't watch him walk away in pain."

"You are an amazing woman, Shin Cidon. But I can't help wishing you'd except some reward every now and then - we could use the credits," he grinned to let her know he wasn't actually being serious about it. Her generosity also calmed his fears over her suitability for the mission.

He couldn't help feeling a lingering doubt at the back of his mind, though. A raw recruit, requested by the Jedi to join the mission... and she's the one that survives? He'd been betrayed once too often to let his guard down fully, even if he let himself respond to her teasing and flirting.

"Ready to tell me more about yourself? Where are you from, for example?" she was asking with a smile.

"Can't we just concentrate on the task at hand? I'm not used to talking about myself or my past very much. At all, actually."

She just looked at him and he sighed.

"My home planet was the first one to fall before the Sith. I..."

"Oh, I'm sorry. I understand you don't want to talk about it."

Why did she have to sound so damn sincere? He felt like such a worm to be harbouring doubts about her when all she did was try to be friendly, and find a way to save Bastila, who was so important to the Republic's war effort.

"Come on, we need more information. Let's head to the cantina!"

o o o

"Great. It seems we need to get to the Lower city. And we need Sith permission to do so!"

"Well, I know just the person to help us out," Shin grinned and nodded towards a very obviously drunk Sith soldier.

"Shin..."

"Don't worry. Just... stay out of this, okay?" she flashed him a wicked smile before engaging the Sith in conversation.

Carth felt he really shouldn't be surprised that the man was taken in. If she could persuade a man to withdraw a bounty he'd placed just by talking to them... He was startled out of his musings by the returning Shin.

She was beaming, "We've been invited to a party. Well, really my _breasts_ have been but I take it the invitation included the rest of me too, despite the fact he was talking to my cleavage. Well, anyway. Poor, hard-working soldiers will go there straight from work, some even in their uniforms..."

"...and if they're like any soldiers, they'll drink themselves unconscious after a hard shift," Carth finished for her, grinning, "Good plan."

"Thanks. Now, about those credits... There's that sweet old guy willing to sell me his Pazaak deck or then there's the Arena. I'm an average player and an average fighter, guess we'll try both and see where we get."

o o o

"Average," Carth repeated at least a dozen times to her as they made their way back to the apartment.

Shin shrugged, and smiled slightly, "What, you think Duncan was hard to beat?"

"Well, maybe not, 'Mysterious Stranger', but Ice definitely was!"

Shin decided to address his tone when repeating her 'stage name' instead of the point in the sentence.

"I'm not comfortable with the name either, but I have to agree with your reasoning. They _could_ know my name."

They had returned to their 'shelter' to eat after the Hutt had managed to somehow arrange crowds for three different Arena fights within hours - true, he didn't put much effort to the first ones, explaining that it was hard to get the audience exited over Deadeye Duncan's matches these days.

So Shin had defeated three out of the five Arena fighters, they had hundreds of credits... and still time before the party.

"Need some rest?"

"No, this was enough, thanks. We should go on with our exploration."

o o o

More xenophobic Tarisians, more Sith soldiers that made Carth feel uncomfortable - it was hard to tell from Shin's expression what she thought - and a clinic.

He insisted she'd allow Doctor Zelka Forn to give her a check up. It was about time she was generous with her credits to benefit herself. Much to their surprise the man did not charge them for his work, and the spare medpacs they bought from him were ridiculously cheap. Carth saw Shin give the doc more credits than he'd asked for and approved of it heartily. The man would put them to good use, helping the poor.

Again her talking skills paid off, and Zelka ended up revealing that he was sheltering some Republic refugees. They were dying but at least they were dying free and without pain. And Bastila wasn't among them. That just drove home the fact they needed to get to the Lower levels, fast.

Zelka warned them of the rakghoul disease when they discussed the Undercity. It didn't take a genius to read the determination in Shin's eyes when she heard of the cure the Sith were keeping to themselves. She would get that antidote to Zelka if humanly possible.

When Zelka's assistant cornered them on the way out and suggested selling the antidote to the highest bidder Carth couldn't contain his disbelief when Shin didn't turn down the offer immediately. She sighed at him after they'd left.

"It's called sneakiness, Mr Goody-Two-Boots. You let the scumbags believe you might also be a scumbag so that you get more info out of them."

"Oh." He felt stupid. "See, this is why you do the talking," he muttered in the end.

She grinned at him. "Okay. We either have time for one more fight in the Arena, or then we could go get ready for the party."

"You want time to dress up? Do we need to buy a mirror to the apartment?"

"They'll be too drunk to notice by the time we get there - I could be a Twi'lek dancer or a bantha - they won't know the difference. I hope. I'm not the dress up type."

"So, cantina it is then."

"Buy you a drink, commander," she grinned again.

o o o

"That was... a novel tactic."

"Shut up," Shin got out from behind clenched teeth as she limped towards their temporary home.

"No, no, I admired it," Carth said, really meaning it despite the fact he couldn't keep the laughter out of his voice, "shoot and run is a risky way to go about it, though."

"I knew I had no hope in hell against his vibroblade in close quarters. 

But man, could he run for an old guy!"

They reached their apartment and Carth motioned her to take off her jacket so that he could attend to the wounds on her side she'd gotten when she hadn't been fast enough.

"I liked the Twi'lek girl," she said out nowhere, maybe to distract herself from the pain.

"A Twi'lek and a Wookiee, who'd've thought."

"This place makes strange partnerships," she smiled, trying to catch his eyes to share the joke but he lowered his gaze at the word 'partnership'.

"What's wrong?" she frowned, and all the doubts and fears he'd been going over in his head came out, a little more forcefully than he'd intended.

He could see he had hurt her with his veiled accusations but... but whatever she seemed like he could not silence the little nagging voice inside him that whispered that she was just a little too good to be true, a smuggler-turned-Republic-soldier-for-no-apparent-reason, specifically requested for the mission, a little too good in the Battle Ring, a little too persuasive... He was taken in, just like everyone else. Soon he'd be spilling his secrets to her, just like everyone else. But he had learned the hard way not to trust _anyone_...

He ran his fingers through his hair, trying - in vain - to keep the locks from falling back to his forehead.

"Look, I... I should probably apologise. You haven't done anything to deserve this - yet. It's nothing personal. I just... won't trust anyone. Not you, not Bastila, not even myself. And if you're smart, you do the same thing."

She just looked at him with those dark eyes of hers, face totally blank.

"I'm... not good at this apologising thing. But... I'm not good at that trusting thing either. I'm not saying I think you're a Sith spy or anything. But... Oh hell, I'm not ready to call you a partner either," he finished savagely.

"We still have a job to do," she said, turning her back on him, and he felt inexplicably like he'd slapped her.

After all, she'd done _nothing_ to earn his distrust... except by being too good to be true.

"I... yeah. Can we... Truce?" he offered with a hopeful smile, and when she turned to face him again he made shameless use of what Morgana had called his 'puppy dog eyes'. Shin melted, and even smiled a little in response.

"Truce."

o o o

They were once more in sync when they got back from the party. And high.

High on endorphins, the whole 'we-were-at-a-Sith-party!', stress and exhilaration combined to the few drinks they had been forced to consume, and the rush of mission accomplished.

She was giggling when he voiced the last thought. "Mission," she repeated.

"Who names their children that anyway," he wondered, chuckling, when he caught on.

"Twi'leks," she laughed louder now. He joined in, knowing they were just relieving the stress of the past hours.

"Let's get some sleep before trying out our new shiny armours," he suggested, then turned serious when realising this was the first time sleeping arrangements were discussed since she'd regained consciousness. It had been a long day.

She was obviously thinking about the same thing because, looking around the room with the three beds of which only one showed signs of use, she raised her eyebrow, "Just where have you been sleeping?"

"First of all, I didn't dare to sleep much, not knowing how your condition would develop," he started, painfully aware of how defensive he sounded, "and when I did... Look, it was cold, and I had no other way of keeping you warm."

His tone left no room for misinterpretation but again she just looked at him, accepting everything. She smiled slightly, taking in the lack of proper bedding materials.

"Well, I don't suppose it's the first time for either one of us to share in the field. Get in."

She undid her boots and took off her jacket and pants, then did some feminine wriggling that allowed her to remove her bra without taking off the black sleeveless undershirt she was wearing. Then, in her top and panties, she got in the bed and curled up facing the wall.

After a second's hesitation Carth followed her lead, stripped down to his Republic issue underwear, and lay down, back against hers. She mover a fraction closer, to better share the warmth.

"I never thanked you for saving my life, did I? Or for looking after me those first days."

"No need to thank me. I've never left a soldier behind, and I'm not about to start now."

"Well, I value my life even if you don't, so... thank you."

"I... I'm glad you're here. So... you're welcome."

"Good night, Carth Onasi."

"Good night, Shin Cidon."

But sleep was long in coming, even when her breath evened out. He couldn't stop thinking about her words. He _did_ value her life, all life. Except, maybe, the Sith. And... she was handy to have around, her skills were undeniable. So he did... appreciate her.

But that wasn't what kept him awake. It was different now, somehow, to share a bed. The previous nights she had been a patient, an unknown body, now... Now he was painfully aware of her shapely behind pressed against his - her warmth reminding him of things better forgotten - and when she turned in her sleep, spooning him, the feel of her breasts against his back was almost too much.

He closed his eyes but saw nothing but her petite form in his mind. She was a head shorter than him, so slender it was amazing all that strength fitted in her body. Surprisingly well-endowed for her skinny form, too.

During the day she wore her dark hair in a simple ponytail but let it loose in the night, much as he had that first night, fearing the knot would press her wounds. It framed her high cheekbones and brow, face so finely shaped it felt ridiculous she should have to fight. So beautiful it should really be enough to go by in the world... When she smiled it was no surprise everyone wanted to do as she asked. The few times she had laughed out loud...

Her spirit awoke things in him that had been buried for years. He _wanted_ to trust her, to tell her... to share his secrets, just like everyone else.

Finally, his exhaustion caught up with him and he slept.

Felt like only a moment later he was awoken by Shin trashing around in the bed. He had also turned in his sleep and was holding her in his arms. Without another thought he gathered her even closer, holding her when the trashing turned to shaking, when her whimpers turned to tears.

He had had his share of nightmares but this seemed to be on another level entirely.

She woke up with a start, met his gaze, and again her eyes lacked any sign of recognition. A panicky look was entering them, and Carth moved to let go.

"It's okay, Shin, everything's going to be okay."

"Sorry," she muttered, closing her eyes and holding on to him so that he couldn't move away.

"You sure you're okay?"

"Yes," she whispered.

"But you didn't even recognise me!"

"I... I was in an accident a year or so ago. My brain was damaged. I lost... lost some memories, and I still wake up confused. Every single morning."

"That... that must be tough," Carth felt the lame inadequacy of the words and tried to compensate by pulling her closer. After a moment he asked: "What does 'some memories' mean?"

"My past."


	3. Interlude: The First Night

Interlude: The First Night

"My past." Easy to say but hard to comprehend. When her ship had crashed she had been surprisingly unharmed but for the gash in her head.

The clues in the wreckage had given her a name and a destination, her cargo a profession, the lack of personal notes an image of a woman with no ties, no family and no close friends. She'd been picking her life together ever since. Her likes, her dislikes. Her philosophy.

She sometimes felt like a stranger in this body she had woken up in, but one thing gave her comfort, one thing she was sure of - she couldn't _not_ help people. That was the one thing that came naturally, so that's what she did. That's also how she ended up with the Republic.

All this she tried to explain to the man holding her. For some reason she wanted him to understand, even though she usually never told anyone about how damaged she was. Was it because the warmth in his eyes made her wish for more?

Carth had hurt her with his paranoia, but she sort of understood where he was coming from. Something so bad had obviously happened to him that he rather not let anyone close in the fear of being hurt again.

o o o

Carth opened his eyes to meet her gaze, determined to meet her honesty with his own.

"I told you my home world was the first to fall... I... I had a family on Telos. A wife, a son..." he couldn't force more words through the block in his throat, but saw the understanding and horror in her eyes, knew it didn't really take more than that to convey the pain and guilt he felt.

Thinking about them always led to thinking about Saul but he didn't want to, not now. He knew he was shaking, if only a little, and it was Shin's turn to hold _him_.

"Thank you for trusting me with this," she whispered, and he couldn't look away from her sincere gaze.

It was easy to kiss her, so easy to use that to hide both their pain. The first touch awoke a hunger in him, hunger she seemed to share since she was responding to the kiss with equal need.

Two strangers who were not quite strangers, bound by a common goal and shared pain... so easy to forget, for a moment, in each other's bodies.

It was no slow exploration nor frantic coupling - something in between, something completely natural. So natural, in fact, that he didn't really think about it until they were both naked, and he was entering her and she winced.

"I'm sorry..."

"No, it's... just been a while, I suppose."

From her lopsided smile he realised both that she couldn't _remember_ her last time and that she was considering it a non-issue. He smiled in return, "Yeah, me too." 'Not since my wife', his mind clarified but the thought, and the memory, were soon chased away by the soft sounds she was making.

He took it slow, and careful, and was so concentrated on looking at her, the play of emotion and sensation on her face - so beautiful in abandon - that only her release reminded him of his own need, and he came to the sound and sight of her pleasure - and only as he was coming inside her did he think of the reality of it. Too late to do anything about it then, but his panic must have shown on his face afterwards because she kissed him tenderly, "Don't worry."

In this, he trusted her, and drifted off to sleep, naked body still entwined with hers.

o o o

It could have been awkward to wake up the second time but it wasn't. They didn't talk about it but both seemed to view it as... as mutual healing, dealing with the pain and the loneliness - a reaction to the circumstances - whatever it was, however they explained it to themselves, it was removed from the rest of their lives, or their mission.

They were bantering, just as they had the previous day, while donning their uniforms, and if Carth's grin was a bit brighter, and Shin's smile a little warmer, they did not remark on it.


	4. Chapter 2

Chapter 2: Taris - Day 2, part 1

o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o

The glow was soon gone in the lower parts of Taris. Squalor, pain, desperation, and a gang war that admitted no outsiders but made everyone a target.

And a cantina.

"You going to take those bounties?" Carth asked her when they were exiting the bar after collecting all the intel they could from the gossip.

"Davik's? No, I don't kill innocent people for money, nor do I do gangster lord's dirty work for them. The government bounties again... They are people whose deaths would save lives. And we need the credits. So if we happen to run into them - I won't think twice about taking them down."

Killing felt so abstract to Shin. She knew she had killed before, and especially here on the lower levels it was a matter of their lives or the Vulkars'... but she was happy to stay behind and provide covering fire while Carth took the more active role. She knew some of those bodies were dead because of her. And she didn't really know how that made her feel.

She wasn't a soldier. Her ways were sneakier. She'd generally much rather sneak past a man than take him down... but it was so easy... so easy to go in guns blazing and shoot your way through...

She'd kept an eye on Carth's blaster skills, he used two of them, and she could see no difference in his gun control in his different hands. It intrigued her. His primary weapon was a customised blaster that had obviously been in his possession for years but in his so-called off-hand he had a standard blaster, much like her own... that is, until they found something better.

They shamelessly looted all the corpses they encountered (some freshly killed by themselves, some older) because in their situation it did not pay to be squeamish. Most of the weaponry was worse than theirs but the fifth Vulkar they killed had something interesting.

"Hey, Carth, look at this."

He took the blaster, tested it for balance, and shot a practice round.

"Not bad. Here, put this old one in the back bag then, we can try selling it later."

Shin looked at another ion blaster next to a body, pondering, then picked it up and tested its weight on her right hand. Satisfied, she transferred it to her left hand, and took out her own weapon. She turned to look at Carth, holding them both. "Teach me."

He looked at her, the blasters, and around them in the empty corridor.

"Okay... Well, basically, you can't shoot two targets even if you have two guns. You just can't aim them at different directions, so what you are doing, is shooting the same target with two guns. This means you need to keep them somewhat on level," he moved to hold Shin's hands up, and showed her how to position them, "and close enough to be able to see where you are pointing them. See, like this. If you keep them wider apart, you're not sure to hit the target. And it's easier to aim when they're on level."

He lifted a helmet off the floor, and placed it ten meters away. Then reconsidered and brought it closer.

"How do I aim? How do you do that?" she asked, when he hit their practice target with both beams.

"Practice. You get the feel of the weapons after you get used to this. It's different from single-handed combat."

"I say."

"Yeah. You can't really aim as you would if you only had one blaster. So you guess. And you improvise. And you go with approximations."

He looked at her practice rounds.

"Not bad for a beginner. Remember, a humanoid is a bigger target, so it will be even easier. If they're stationary, that is. But you can't really go for the head shots. Aim for the largest target area, the chest. If they have an active shield and you only have one ion blaster or a disruptor, don't waste energy on shooting your regular blaster, go for one good shot with one weapon, then when the shield is down, you can shoot with both. And if you're unsure in a battle whether you're hitting something or not, don't hesitate to ditch the other weapon and concentrate on your better hand until you're sure. Okay?"

"Yeah, I think I'm getting the hang of this. Gives me brand new respect for your skills, though."

"Oh, I'm a talented guy, sister," he grinned, then turned his head, flustered. Obviously, it didn't quite feel the same to be flirting with her now.

"I know," she smirked.

"I have to ask," he sounded hesitant, "you told me not to worry."

She tapped her left thigh wordlessly as a sign of permanently attached contraceptive implant.

"Ah."

"And I figured you are clean since you passed the boarding medical for the Spire."

Maybe it was lucky that another Black Vulkar decided to attack them behind a corner just that second. The mood was getting more awkward by the minute...

Shin wasted precious moments fumbling with her blasters but once she got them out and on level it was surprisingly easy to aim them at the large figure running closer. Because he was running straight at them he made a good target, and Shin actually noticed Carth lowering his weapons after noticing they were in no real danger.

He had been right, a humanoid was a much easier target.

"Right. Let's move on."

o o o

They did 'run into' one of the government bounties, and made short work of her. They ended up collecting one of Davik's bounties too - after helping the man to fake his own death to escape the Exchange.

It seemed that even here Shin was able to get people to trust her, to help them... she even talked their way into the Hidden Bek base the young Twi'lek girl with her improbable name had told them about the day before. And there they got their first palpable lead. Bastila was a prisoner of the Vulkars, to be handed out as a prize in a swoop race.

She met Carth's eyes and they shared a silent joke. He had told her about the haughty Jedi, her impressive skills - especially the Battle meditation - and to think of her as a Prize... She sobered up soon enough, and worked on getting the gang boss's trust.

In the end they struck a deal. Quid pro quo - one returned prototype for a sponsorship in the upcoming race, their one realistic chance of rescuing Bastila.

She didn't think twice.

o o o

"Have you actually ever raced a swoop bike?" Carth enquired politely after they had left the base minus their Sith uniforms but with a written permission in their stead after another quid pro quo exchange with the Beks.

"I don't think so. I wouldn't know, would I?" She grinned carelessly.

"Shin..."

"What? It's the best option we've got. Besides, we need to worry about finding Mission and getting into the Vulkar base first. Who knows, we might run into Bastila there."

"The day just keeps getting better and better..."


	5. Chapter 3

Chapter 3: Taris - Day 2, Part 2

"Hey, what's the time? I had that match with Twitch scheduled."

"If you insist on going through with that we should probably head back up now."

"I couldn't possibly _not_ show up, think about what it would do to my reputation!"

Carth shot a quick glance at her just to see the mischievous grin. No, he hadn't thought she was being serious but still...

"You're impossible."

"Why thank you, the compliments just rain down on me today!"

"No, no, those Beks called you 'insane' not 'incredible'."

"Shucks. So, what do we know about Twitch."

Her voice was business-like again.

"Very likely insane. Fast. Uses two blasters."

"So will I, then. Just in case he has a shield... I can use the ion blaster to get rid of that then finish him with the other one. I don't think I'm quite confident enough to be using two at the same time yet..."

Carth had to laugh, "you use the actual life-or-death fight situation to practice much rather than a fake fight with no threat of death?"

"Yeah," she said as if the distinction was clear, "here I have you to watch my back, and I bet the Vulkars aren't as... focused as our Rodian friend."

"Point. And of course, the rewards are bigger," he said, grinning, to show her he wasn't really blaming her for... what? Being a glory-hunter?

"If those credits help us buy a way off this planet one day..."

"How do you think we'll arrange that?"

"We'll worry about that when we have Bastila, for now..." she looked at the cantina entrance, and then met his eyes, "wish me luck."

o o o

Damn, but the Rodian was fast! Shin didn't want to show Carth how close it had really been so she played it cool, collecting her credits from the Hutt, and the grudging congratulations from the other Arena fighters. Oddly enough, Twitch seemed to be the only one sincere in his praise. He didn't seem to be bitter like the others.

By the door a man in full battle armour spoke to her. So this was Bendak Starkiller, the man who prided himself for killing people for sport. Well. Not much she could do.

o o o

"Are you _insane_?" Carth bellowed as soon as they stepped out of the cantina after setting up a match with the Hutt.

"Quite possibly."

"He'll butcher you!"

"Thanks for the vote of confidence," she tried to joke but it fell flat because her voice was shaking.

"Shin..."

"I know! I know, but I have to try. He's killed so many! ...I suppose it's quite twisted to set up a death match to take someone down for fighting in death matches but... I have to take him out."

"Why is it that you have to single-handedly try to right every wrong on this damn planet, help every single person in need..."

"Not single-handedly," she offered him a smile, and he replied with a groan.

"No way, sister. I'm in this to find Bastila, and to get out of this planet to help the _Republic_ - takes too damn long to do it one person at a time!"

But there was humour in his last words so Shin merely smiled, and led the way to the Clinic so that Zelka could take care of the injuries she had suffered during the match.

"Are you insane?!" were the words the doc threw at her as a greeting.

"Good day to you, too. What's up?"

"News travel fast in Taris. You can't seriously want to face Bendak Starkiller in a _death match_!"

"Wouldn't be my first idea of a good time, no."

"Be serious! I can't bring back the dead!"

"No, you can't bring back the hundreds of people he has killed. I just want to make sure he never kills again."

"By killing him in an illegal match? Nice going, hero."

"You know, I can just go inject some kolto on my system on my own, doc."

"Right. I'll just patch you up to go and get yourself killed some other day. Brilliant. There, you're done. Hope you're not planning on doing anything too taxing for the rest of the day."

"Oh, just a relaxing stroll in the Undercity. Thanks, doc, see you."

They left with his grumbling voice floating after them.

"Charming man, don't you think," she grinned at Carth who merely shook his head.

"I'm not even going to say anything. Are you sure you're up to this now?"

"Yeah. Let's go."

o o o

Even the Lower City hadn't really prepared them for the horror that was the Undercity of Taris. Not gangs but a _tribe_ where some where out for anything they could – just to survive – and the others worked together... to survive. The rakghouls, the lightless existence of an exile.

Here, too, Shin shined. Generous with her credits, food, medicine and time, she gained the trust of the villagers, and even the admiration of some. Carth couldn't help but wonder what the old man rambling about the Promised land saw in her that made him talk about her great destiny. 

There was ...something about her. She drew people to her, made them trust her... but it all seemed _effortless_ somehow. He just hoped that effortlessness also meant innocence – that she hadn't cultivated that quality to better manipulate people.

But it figured that it was to _her_ the Twi'lek girl ran for help, not him, not the villagers, not even the Hidden Beks. 

"Whoa, Mission, slow down. What happened?"

Even as the girl was explaining about how her companion was imprisoned Carth took a deep breath and resigned himself for the words he knew would come out of Shin's mouth next. He could mouth them along by now, 'Yes, of course we'll help you.' Not that he minded, really. He liked Mission for what he'd seen of her, liked her courage, liked her cheek, and knew she wouldn't last long without her Wookiee companion. 

"Of course we'll help, Mission." 

"Thanks! I'll owe ya big!" she was grinning widely, as if the rescue was a done deal already.

"Well, we can collect right away, then," Shin grinned back, "Gadon said you could show us the way to the Black Vulkar base undetected."

"Of course! I'm your Twi'lek – as soon as we get Zaalbar back."

It was weird to travel with someone else at first. But after seeing her in action against Carth had no doubts about the girl's ability to carry her weight.

Coming face-to-face with a rakghoul for the first time was a moment he felt he would ever forget. He'd seen a lot, and fought all manner of creatures – but these... it was hard to imagine they had been humans once – and yet, somehow, impossible to forget, too.

"Hey, you think I'd turn into a blue rakghoul?" Mission grinned in the heat of the battle, and Carth had to fight the urge to turn to gape at her. 

"I hope we never find out," he said dryly after they had disposed of the last one.

They kept the banter up until they reached the escape pods. A survivor, a man whose face Carth could vaguely remember but whose name he'd never heard. Turning into a monster in front of their eyes.

Whether it was that or the bleak reality of the stripped bare pods but the mood was much more sombre afterwards.

Shin was walking in front, keeping an eye out for more rakghouls, and Mission was trying to make conversation with Carth. He couldn't help but tell her what he _really_ thought about Taris, and wasn't quite able to keep the patronising tone in check. He felt protective towards the girl, not even knowing why so fast or strong but he did, and made a remark about her relationship with the Wookiee. Mission, naturally, didn't react very well to the hint that she couldn't look after herself and... Carth admitted afterwards that he had been a bit rough but dammit, the girl was behaving like a brat. Okay, maybe he had come across a bit immature as well but...

But he hated to be made to feel his age. Somehow, with Shin, he had felt like the young soldier he'd been – ages ago. But now Mission made him feel old again. Like a father. He hated that reminder of all that he had lost. Maybe he _was_ taking it out on Mission.

It didn't take many meters in silence for the young Twi'lek to apologise for her temper. That made Carth feel even worse, and he tried to compensate by showing the girl how much he really appreciated her, for what she had done and what she was doing now. 

Still, he couldn't help but get in a little joke in the end. He could hear Shin laugh quietly when Mission went off again.

"Kids are like that!? ...Oh, I get it, you got me. Ha-ha."

But she was smiling too, and the lighter mood helped them to face the never-ending stream of monsters they met in that desolate plane.

o o o

Among the corpses they stumbled into were a few Sith. Matter-of-factly they looted what they could, and found a blaster rifle to replace Mission's vibroblade – because Carth didn't want her close to the rakghouls if he could help it. He didn't want to go there himself, he didn't want to Shin to get too close, but he most decidedly did not want the child... 

Not that he let her see any of this. He just calmly remarked that she might like the weapon. Meanwhile, Shin had made an even more staggering find. 

"What do you think, Carth?" she asked, raising the utility belt. In the pockets were small vials of different liquids. Kolto, common antidote for poisons... and a vial of green liquid.

"Well..." he tried to keep the hope down. The vial was half-full. "It would make sense that if they have it, they would carry it with them."

"We need to get this to Zelka as soon as possible," she shot a look at Mission, "but first we have to go save Zaalbar."

o o o 

Had they thought rakghouls bad out in the open? In the sewers they seemed even worse. And the Gamorreans were little better than animals themselves. These beasts Shin had no trouble killing. Just the thought of what would happen to Zaalbar if he was left in their hands...

She could hear Carth and Mission bicker in the background. There was something... homey about that. As much as she had enjoyed her adventuring with Carth, it was also nice to have the girl with them. She seemed to fit right in. 

Still, she couldn't help but snicker at the thought of her name every now and then. Mission had joined their mission – at least temporarily.

When they finally found the Wookiee he looked even wilder than he had before. It was obvious his stay had not been a walk in the park... yet the amount of his gratitude surprised Shin. It was Mission, after all, who had been instrumental in saving him – finding help, and finally picking the lock in his cell door – but it was to her he was pledging himself.

How she knew about the concept of a Wookiee life debt, or understood his speech she did not know and was too busy to contemplate at the moment. All she knew was the immense honour she was being given. She wasn't sure what she had said but hoped it had conveyed her acceptance in reasonable words.

Judging by the glow in Mission's eyes, she had. Irreverent laugh threatened to get out again. So, Mission really had joined their Mission – she wouldn't about to go anywhere as long as her friend followed Shin. As he would, until he could make good of his promise.

She looked at Carth smiling, and shrugged a little, wanting to share her joy and wonder about their growing group. He returned the smile with a tiny shake of his head, echoing her feelings.

o o o

Carth could only shake his head. Naturally the Wookiee would take some kind of vow of loyalty to Shin and stick around. It's not like he minded him or Mission staying, but... but the way Shin was collecting fans seemed a bit... no. He would not start this in the sewers. 

"Come on Zaalbar, food can wait, we need to show them a way to the Vulkar base," Mission was saying.

Zaalbar wailed something in return and Shin frowned, "What do you mean you will not go against a rancor with an empty stomach? What rancor?"

"Didn't I tell you about the rancor?" Mission was blinking innocently.

"Rancor or not, that will have to wait for a bit. I want to get this vial to Zelka. And I say we get some sleep before breaking into the Vulkar base. We could all do with some rest and food."

o o o

After a brief discussion, Carth and Shin left Mission and Zaalbar in the Lower City to find something to eat for all of them and went to the clinic on their own. No reason to draw needless attention to themselves by breaking the xenophobic laws, no matter how little they liked them.

Shin handed the vial to the doctor wordlessly.

"Can it be...?"

After some tests the dark man was nearly weeping with joy. "You did it! This is a cure for the rakghoul disease. The Sith perfected it, and I can now synthesize endless amounts of it – here, you take the first patch."

"Thank you."

"You're thanking _me_? I wish I could show you how much this means... I don't have much credits, but I want you to take..."

"No, please. Use them to help the people. We must go back now."

"Back? Are you insane?" 

"There are infected people down there, doc. And we might not be too late."

o o o

They collected 'the kids', as Shin put it, and headed back to the village in the Undercity. 

They were too late. They could only look at the transformation of the infected villagers corralled on the side of the village. With heavy hearts they raised their blasters and defended themselves. By the time they were done Carth would swear they all had tears in their eyes. If they had needed a reminder of how dreadful the rakghoul disease was... how needless these deaths were... had the Sith shared their knowledge...

Luckily, they found some survivors too, still human, cowering in a corner. Shin ran to them, without a thought to her safety, and injected them with the cure. Carth held his breath and positioned himself in front of Mission, just in case...

It worked. Dammit, it worked. Something good at least. 

They left the village healer with the news that Zelka Forn would be sending more of the healing liquid as soon as he got is synthesised, and headed back to the Upper levels and their temporary headquarters.

Back at the shelter, with only three beds, it felt like the most natural thing in the world to crawl into the same bed as Shin. She made it look so natural that Mission didn't even bat an eyelid before rolling her bedclothes on of the other beds and curling down to sleep. 

This time Carth fell asleep easily, the warmth of Shin's body fast becoming familiar, and even comforting by his side.


	6. Chapter 4

Chapter 4: Taris, Second Night

According to Mission, the best time for their excursion was the early morning. They were all quiet after too little sleep, dressing and eating, checking their weapons. No banter this morning, no jibes about Zaalbar's appetite, no tiny smiles shared by the humans.

It's not like a place like Taris would ever be empty or quiet but the streets still looked different before the sunrise: drunkards stumbling back home from the cantina, illegal aliens looking for food when fewer hostiles were about, less Sith cluttering the streets.

They made their silent way through the Lower City to the elevator down. Now sun, no real difference between night and day here... except... maybe Mission was right. Most seemed to be sleeping.

"The vermin comes out at night," she shrugged, when questioned, "and sleeps during the day."

o o o

The sewers were not more pleasant the second time but the sense of urgency was absent this time. After one false turn that led to a dead end and a few dead Gamorreans they reached the greatest obstacle: the rancor.

"Holy..." Shin couldn't ever remember seeing anything even remotely like it. Of course, with her, that wasn't saying much, she mused.

"No way are we fighting _that_," Carth decided.

"And no way are we sneaking by it either with its ass firmly in front of the door," Mission pointed out.

"So we need to be sneaky," Shin grinned, showing a datapad she'd discovered from a nearby corpse. Apparently, someone had been able to synthesise a substance that attracted rancors and had outlined a plan to feed this specimen something 'unsuitable'. 

So, armed with what the datapad ingenuously called "synthesised odour" Shin went stealth and placed a couple of grenades coated with the stinky substance as a meal for the beast.

"Booom!" yelled Mission as the inevitable happened.

"Bit anticlimactic, in the end," Shin sighed.

"What, you wanted to fight that, you big hunter?" Carth teased, then pushed her towards the door the thing had guarded.

"Maybe," Shin grinned, even though the size of the rancor up close was enough to make her feel glad they hadn't tried it that way.

o o o

Well, they had _meant _to sneak in. The first set of Vulkars they managed to silence using vibroblades (and Carth knocked one out with the butt of his blaster) but when sentry droids spotted them and started shooting Shin was sure the whole base would descent on them.

Except... they didn't. Apparently, one could blast away to one's heart's content and not attract undue attention. Sweet. 

"You think it's due to their work ethic or...?" Shin smiled at Carth.

"Incompetence, perhaps?" Mission suggested, grinning. 

"Let's not get cocky, ladies," Carth reminded, taking cover next to them as someone did indeed show up to check on the racket. Or happened to amble down the corridor, as might be more likely.

o o o

Inevitably, they encountered some heavier resistance along the way, but in the end, emerged victorious, armed with 'loot, loot, and, yeah, the swoop accelerator' as Mission put it.

"I had half hoped we'd run into Bastila here," Carth admitted quietly to Shin as they were making their way towards the Hidden Bek base.

"You really don't like the idea of me racing, do you?" Shin asked, and Carth could have sworn there was concern in her voice despite the light tone.

Still, he tried to keep it less than serious, "On a prototype? In a vehicle you have never even tried? What gave you that idea?" 

"Funny, Flyboy. You want to ride in my place?"

"Wasn't offered to me, was it? No, they only want the great glorious Mysterious Stranger Shin Cidon for the job." Now, _that_ probably came out a bit meaner than he'd originally meant.

He should apologise. As he found it so damn hard, why did he always set himself up so that it was required?

"Sorry," he mumbled, after they had walked in silence for a while, and the guard on the entrance was getting closer by the moment, "can I chalk it down to lack of sleep?" he asked with a small smile, looking at the woman from the corner of his eye.

She looked at him directly, and answered with a hesitant smile of her own, "this time."

Mission was rushing to meet the Bek guard she obviously knew to share their good news, and Zaalbar was, as ever, right next to her. Carth used the moment of privacy to stop and turn to face Shin, hand resting lightly on her arm. The touch wasn't only to make her stop with him, he also wanted to reconnect with her on some level, to recapture the closeness they'd shared when it had only been the two of them. 

He thought about making a joke, defusing the tension, going back to the light-hearted banter that passed as conversation between them but something in Shin's earnest – even vulnerable – gaze made him reconsider.

"If I thought I would be better at it, I would demand the right to take your place. For your safety, as well as Bastila's. But I don't," he shrugged, as if belittling his serious tone, "You'll ace it. Just like everything else you do. I... I believe in you."

The radiant smile he got as an answer made the painful confession worth it.

- o - o – o – o - o - o - o - o - 

As an apology for the long wait, and as a thank you to all who have taken the time to review, two chapters at the same time:) 


	7. Chapter 5

Chapter 5: Taris, Day 3

The Beks were sufficiently grateful for the returned prototype. They would spend the day assembling and testing the new swoop. Unfortunately, the race was scheduled for the next day so Shin wouldn't have any time for practice. 

"Just as well, I have another sporting even today," she muttered, not really looking forward to the death match.

Seeing no reason to hang around the base, they refused the offered beds and decided instead to get a few hours of sleep in their Hideout before Shin had to go face Bendak Starkiller.

Despite the short night, Shin did not actually feel like sleeping. Carth and Zaalbar had claimed not to need more sleep and had gone to get 'supplies'.

Shin and Mission had deduced this meant food, food, and food for Zaalbar, and same medpacs and stims for the ever-worrying human, to prepare for the death match.

To distract herself from worrying, Shin asked Mission about her life on Taris. She was amazed to hear the girl had a brother. Biting her lip, she hardly dared to ask for his name, recalling all the conversations she and Carth had had about _her_ name.

Griff? She couldn't wait to share this with Carth. She could hear it now, 'who names their children Mission and _Griff_?' 

Her laughter died, stillborn, when the story unravelled. That, that... green-skinned scumbag had left the girl here alone? And she defended him?

That was one bit of information she did _not_ look forward to sharing with Carth. He was getting quite protective of the young Twi'lek. As was she, truth to tell. Maybe she had had a younger sister, at some point in her life? At least Mission seemed to fill a vacancy she had not known to be open.

o o o

Carth and Zaalbar returned just in time to 'escort the ladies to the games' as the former put it. Despite the forced lightness of their words, it was a subdued group that made their way to the cantina, and not just due to exhaustion.

Mission and Zaalbar went in search of their courtesy ringside seats while Carth helped Shin to prepare. 

"You don't have to do this," he said for the tenth time.

"I know," her eyes begged him to understand, "but I have a chance to stop him. Carth, he kills people for sport!"

He took in her determined gaze and closed his mouth. Silently, he checked the condition of her shields and armour. She _had_ bested the crazy Rodian champion. She should have no problems with the Death match. But... more was at stake here.

"Here, take this."

She stared at the blaster he was offering her. It was his personal weapon, the one he had had for years, lovingly upgraded and crafted. 

"But... if I lose you might not get it back!"

"Then you better not lose," he gave her a small smile. He knew it was the best weapon they had, and Shin needed all the help she could get. He wouldn't – couldn't – regret his impulsive offer.

"I..." she swallowed, "thank you," she finally said, and all the levels in her voice made him uncomfortable.

"It's just a blaster," he shrugged, trying to belittle the meaning of the gesture.

"I'll take good care of it," she said, ignoring his evasion.

o o o

"She did it!" Mission was jumping from joy, Zaalbar was growling, but all Carth heard was the mad thumping of his own heart. Wasn't nervous. Oh no.

The uninhibited Twi'lek girl was hugging Shin. Such a child at times, so mature the next moment. Carth grinned suddenly, remembering their argument. She was so uncomplicated. So direct in her affections and opinions. ...hugging Shin when he couldn't.

That's not how fellow soldiers congratulate each other. Especially not those of different rank (not that he had ever thought about that in relation to them), so he just let his grin grow wider. She smiled back, that rare, radiant version of her smile, while wiping sweat off her brow. She then offered him the blaster, "Thank you."

And from the gravity of her voice he realised she truly did understand the full value of his sacrifice.

o o o 

Shin collected her credits from the Hutt but seemed disturbed. 

"I feel... bad, accepting credits for killing a man... for sport," she explained.

"We could... use them to get Mission a better armour," Carth offered tentatively, understanding her reluctance.

Shin turned to look at him with a grateful smile, "You're a genius, commander! Nothing better at lifting a girl's spirit than shopping!"

"...then again, we could of course give the money to the poor," he grinned back, happy to have distracted her from dwelling on the kill. He had noticed she was a bit squeamish about that aspect of their profession. He himself had been a career soldier for too long to think twice about killing the enemy. 

Not that that was necessarily a good thing.

He shook his head to chase the mood away. It wouldn't do to start moping now that he'd stopped her from doing it, he laughed at himself. 

"Come on, let's go shopping, then, ladies!"

o o o

"What are you going to do with Bendak's blaster, Shin?" Mission asked as they were heading for the Equipment Emporium, "you'd get good price for it from Kebla Yurt if you don't want to keep it as a trophy."

"I don't want to think of it as a trophy. But it seems to be a good weapon. Carth, you think you could use it?"

"Me? Don't you...? Ah. Right. Let me try."

Grateful for his understanding Shin offered him the blaster he then tested for balance. 

"Feels good. Have to test it in combat to be sure but..." he left it at that, which Shin appreciated, and they entered the shop.

Going through the stock, something caught Shin's attention. She was captivated. Her eyes rested on a beautiful slender weapon almost as tall as her - an Echani ritual brand, lethal-looking blades in both ends. 

"It's calling to me," she grinned at Mission, and tested it for balance. It felt right.

"Wow," Mission said, looking at her handling the weapon she'd never even held before, "It looks... like a part of you already. How much is it?"

"Not too much..." she replied, distractedly. The blade was moving too smoothly. It felt... natural. Another piece of her mysterious past. She had obviously trained in Echani techniques. 

"I can make do with this armour, Shinster, you need to get that thing! You deserve to get something nice for yourself, anyway. It was you who fought, not me."

Absorbed in her handling of the double-bladed sword Shin didn't even notice Carth's approach.

"You'd have to get close to your opponent with that one. And... it's a _blade_, it won't be... it won't be clean. There will be blood," his voice was quiet, so that others would not hear. 

Shin woke up from her trance-like state and blinked at Carth. "You... you're right. Thanks. I... I might not be able to handle it."

But she purchased the brand anyway, enchanted by the glimpse to her past. Carth did not call her on it. 

"Come on, let's head back to the Bek base. They should be done with their tests. And I should be getting ready to race."


	8. Chapter 6

Chapter 6: Taris, Day 4

Shin spent the night at the Bek base but asked the others to return to the hideout, as they would not be allowed to attend the race anyway. Carth had agreed reluctantly, and even Mission had seemed miffed. But Shin had wanted no distractions. 

She spent the evening talking to Zaerdra, Gadon Thek's bodyguard. The Twi'lek woman filled her in on the situation between the swoop gangs, telling her that the Vulkar Brejik who held Bastila was once a Hidden Bek, and a protégé of Gadon Thek. When Gadon had been blinded he had expected to lead the gang, and, when refused, had left the gang to join their enemies.

"And yet the old fool refuses to give up hope. But I know that had Brejik been allowed to lead the Beks he would have turned out to be just the same here," Zaerdra finished.

Shin thought of the Vulkars she'd fought out in the corridors of the Lower City, and their willingness to attack civilians and gang members alike. And Brejik encouraged them? She silently agreed with Zaerdra.

"I tell you, if you ever run into him, give him one from me."

o o o

She should have known that rescuing Bastila would not be as simple as just winning the race. That bit had been surprisingly easy, too.

Swoop racing had been exhilarating, the speed demanded total concentration and made Shin forget everything else. It was funny, from this she did not get a feeling she'd done it before but her reflexes were enough to make her, indeed, 'ace it' as Carth had predicted. 

She had won with a new track record, but Brejik and the Black Vulkars had refused to hand Bastila over as a prize, quoting the prototype accelerator as a reason. 

Bastila had chosen that moment to release herself, and a fight ensued. Shin had had time to note that the Jedi did not seem disoriented despite her trance or what ever it had been, and did handle herself very well against the Vulkars.

Shin hadn't wanted to kill Brejik because she had grown to respect Gadon Thek and knew he wouldn't have wished it, but the dark man left her with little choice. At least Zaerdra would be happy. 

Bastila was not what she'd expected, either. She seemed... volatile for a Jedi. A beautiful brunette, taller and younger than Shin, carrying herself with grace even in the weird corset-thing the Vulkars had dressed her in... and she resented the claim that she had needed rescuing.

It's not like Shin expected to be treated like a hero, or even necessarily to get a thank you, but some acknowledgement of the work she and Carth had put on saving her ass would have been appreciated from the arrogant young woman. While debating with her whether she had been rescued or not just for the hell of it, Shin tried to recover from the shock of recognising the woman from her dreams. She couldn't recall seeing her on board Endar Spire, so how could she have dreamt of her? 

Not that she was about to share that little problem with the Jedi any time soon. 

Oh, _now_ she was listening, at the mention of Carth's name. What was up with that? 'Of course it's all right if _Carth_ thinks I'm good,' she fumed. Because _Carth_ is so fantastic and... 'Carth is one of the Republic's best soldiers.' Fawning Jedi-brat. Why did the girl annoy her so? Did she feel threatened by her? Mission and Zaalbar hadn't really threatened the status quo but this young human who knew Carth before her might... 

'Please, take me to Carth right away,' she repeated in her head mockingly while leading the Jedi to their HQ. 'Carth wouldn't have sent you here if he wasn't confident in your... abilities.' You bet, sister, he likes my 'abilities' all right.

Wait. Was she... _jealous_? Did she fear the other woman would offer _competition_? 

Nah. She just rubbed her the wrong way, that's all. It's not like she had exclusive rights on the pilot or something. 

o o o

Bastila's tone changed about Carth, too, as soon as they reached the apartment. No more 'He's proved himself a hero a dozen times over' but 'you forget who's in charge'. 

Carth stayed surprisingly calm when informing the Jedi what he thought of her leadership abilities. And, to Shin's amazement, the woman actually apologised (albeit grudgingly) and asked for his advice. 

Maybe they could work with her, after all. She even found it possible to discuss her dreams with her. In any case, she did have the Jedi training, she should understand dreams and visions.

The discussion was... different from what she would have expected. Now Bastila was actually willing to acknowledge her part in _locating_ her (still not a word of 'rescue' though) and evading capture. And she seemed to think more about the dreams than she let on.

Shin had learned not to fret about these things. She took that, and Bastila's vague hints at her Force abilities and put them on queue to wait for their escape from Taris, when something could possibly be done about them, or at least she'd have time to think about them. 

They still had more pressing things to worry about.

Like putting Bastila to her place. Despite her suddenly found manners, the girl Jedi could obviously not act like a leader. Carth was over a decade older and way more experienced in the field. Still, Bastila was the head of the mission on paper. And technically, both were Shin's superiors. Still... Shin had felt in charge before Bastila came along, and she was damned if she wouldn't go on about things just the way she damn well pleased. 

Maybe it was her smuggling days, she mused, but she did not react well to someone trying to establish authority over her. She did things her way, and as that seemed to work, she saw no reason to change it.

o o o

Funny. They ended up doing things her way. Somehow it seemed to be up to her to decide who was to do what next. She wanted to start working on that 'escaping Taris' bit now that Bastila was safe. So they'd need to go out to gather information. 

She didn't question her decision to have Carth along – she liked his company, unwavering morality, and shooting skills. And if she had found herself to go out of her way to help people even more than usually, just to see the appreciation in his eyes, then... well, just one more subject to add on the queue for later.

Bastila she had to take or she would no doubt whine. But it would attract too much attention to travel all together, so she send Mission and Zaalbar to check on the Beks and stock on Zelka's 'reasonably priced' products. 

They had walked for a couple of blocks when Carth shot her a conspiratory glance before innocently inquiring from Bastila how she had been captured. The sight of the flustered young Jedi who had to admit she had temporarily misplaced her lightsaber had Shin biting her lip not to laugh.

Had it been Mission, she would have told Carth to behave. But with the Jedi princess... she joined in.

"Maybe losing lightsabers is a side-effect of her Battle Meditation," she suggested.

The boyish grin Carth shot her behind Bastila's back took years off his face and made him so handsome Shin felt... tingly. Just like...

They did not talk about it. But it had happened. And she was happy about it. She couldn't remember any other men, so in a way it was her first time. And she was fiercely happy that it was with the man she had learned to appreciate on so many levels. A man who had learned to trust _her_ - if only in some things. 

She knew he still had his issues about trusting anyone, and didn't delude herself about the level of his trust but they could work on that. 

She was startled out of her reverie by a Twi'lek who informed her that Canderous Ordo wanted to meet her.

"Isn't that the Mandalorian working for Davik Kang we've heard so much about?" she asked Carth, who simply nodded before voicing the question also in Shin's head.

"Why would the pet merc of a local Exchange boss want to meet with you?"

"Only one way to find out. Besides, we need to visit Javyar's cantina anyway. I have a bounty to collect."

"A _bounty_!?" Bastila was obviously shocked.

"That's how justice works here," Carth explained, "the government offers bounties on the criminals they can't apprehend. And we need the credits."

"I see."

o o o

Shin could only come up with one word when looking at the Mandalorian. Power. He was taller and more muscular than Carth, his grey hair and scarred face made it difficult to determine his age but she figured he was older as well. 

His posture spoke of strength and experience. A true warrior. And he went straight to the point. He wanted to get off Taris. And he needed Shin's help to achieve that.

The plan was simple. Steal the Sith launch codes from the base, and steal a ship from Davik Kang. One thing bothered Shin: "What do you need me for?"

"I'm too well known as Davik's man to get away with breaking into the Sith base," the Mandalorian explained. 

"I see. And how are _we_ supposed to achieve that?"

"Davik ordered an astrodroid that will be capable of getting through the door. After that, it's up to you."

"And after we have the codes?"

"Then I'll tell you the rest of the plan," Canderous grinned, and Shin couldn't help but answer with a smile of her own.

"Naturally," she conceded.

o o o

"I sense no deception from him, which is surprising. This might be what we were looking for," Bastila said.

Shin fought down the urge to say 'no shit' like a kid, and ignored the Jedi completely, instead she turned her worrying eyes on Carth. He had fought in the Mandalorian Wars, after all.

"I hope you won't find it uncomfortable working with a Mandalorian."

He looked surprised at her concern. 

"I... no. I can work with him. Just don't ask me to trust him," he smiled, only a little, but Shin felt happy that he could joke about his trust issues.

"So. Let's go steal a droid and break into a Sith base!"

She could have sworn she heard Bastila mutter 'oh joy' behind her.

o o o

"Why can't I come along?" Mission was not really whiny, just wistful.

Carth opened his mouth but Shin silenced him with a frown. If he said something sweet, caring, and so very patronising, Mission would be in a huff for hours.

"Because we can't all go," she explained. "I'll need the T3 unit. Bastila's not coming," she said, knowing that would make the Twi'lek happier. 

Funny enough, the Jedi rubbed her the wrong way, too. Bastila tried so hard to be older than her age – even though she still had the impulse to act like a teenager which Mission seemed to bring out. 

"What?" this was news to the Jedi.

"Look, I'm breaking into a Sith Base. I need someone on my side I know I can count on. No offence, but I have fought with Carth. I know what he's capable of. I know we work well together. You, I haven't seen in action. And I can't risk this missi... sorry, Mission, this job to be an adjustment exercise."

o o o

The T3 unit proved to be quite handy in battle as well. It saved their asses a couple of times. The whole thing was pretty straight forward, really. Go in, and shoot everyone that tried to stop them. 

She had considered sneaking in (again) but the thrill of the battle took over, and she found she was throwing herself into the fight whole-heartedly. This shouldn't be her – she was a smuggler not a soldier! But it was becoming quite obvious she'd had some extensive fight training in the past, and she was drawing on those skills unconsciously. 

Shin thought it weird that this time meeting a dark Jedi didn't bother her – she knew she – they – could take him. And they did.

But not without much pain. The Sith governor was attacking them with the Force as well as his lightsaber, and it was impossible to keep her distance. Carth was using his two blasters with deadly accuracy from the doorway, as was the little droid, and Shin knew it fell on her to keep their target moving and prevent him from getting to melee range. 

She abandoned her blasters, and released the Echani brand from the holster on her back, and tried to summon the skills she knew she possessed somewhere in her muscle memory.

She was working on pure instinct, seemingly blocking blows without being aware they were coming, and using her body to distract the man from his own manoeuvres – while trying to avoid getting hit by her own team mates. 

Then she saw an opening, took it... and her weapon was lodged inside the Sith's chest, stuck, but he was still alive, still attacking... he couldn't move his saber arm properly, the strike had damaged his upper body too badly. His other had was holding Shin as a shield so that the others had to stop firing. With desperate strength Shin grabbed his arm with both hands and forced the deadly beam of his lightsaber towards his own body... burying it in his chest. The superior look the man had worn turned to incredulous as his grip on Shin loosened and he started falling to the floor.

Shin had killed many people in this new life of hers but had never had to see it so close. Meeting the eyes of the dying man, watching them as the light faded... she felt a sense of connection, a familiarity that frightened her. Surely, _surely_ she had never _enjoyed_ killing?

She kicked the body away and staggered backwards until she met a wall, then simply slid down to sit on the floor, and wrapped her arms around her knees, hugging them close. 

"Shin? Shin! You all right?"

Carth was there, crouching next to her, touching her cold hand... She couldn't stop shivering, so he sat down and held her close.

"It's all right, everything's going to be all right," he kept whispering until she calmed down.

"I felt... good, watching him die," she finally whispered, "like I'd done that a lot. Like I'd... I'd... been good at it. Like I'd... liked doing it. What kind of monster am I? I've been wanting to know who I was but now... now I'm not so sure..."

Carth forced her to look into his eyes before talking with a quiet but forceful tone: "Whoever – whatever – you were, you are not that person _now_. You would not be affected by this if you were a monster."

o o o

Only after she had stopped shivering did Carth let go and went to find the launch codes in the Sith governor's pocket. Shin was glad she didn't need to touch his corpse. 

She wasn't sure how to feel about the weapon Carth had pulled out of the dead man, and cleaned on his robes. Part of her wanted to leave it behind, to never touch it again. Another part knew that, being a second-hand weapon, this was not likely to be its first kill. 

And she was so good at using it. The skill might save her – or her friends – one day. She couldn't really afford to be squeamish. 

She accepted the offered weapon without a word. She holstered her blasters, and exited the room, holding the brand.

She was a soldier now. Time to accept the blood that came with the job.


	9. Chapter 7

Chapter 7: Taris – Third Night

This time no one questioned Shin's decision to take only Carth with her when she left to the meeting with Canderous Ordo. Bastila merely shrugged and said, "easier to explain than a Jedi. Or a Wookiee. And you can't go alone."

She had refrained from commenting.

"We will likely be leaving in a hurry, so... be prepared. I'm not sure what kind of signal we can send but, what ever happens, under no circumstances _do not leave this room_ unless you have absolute proof that we are dead. We'll have no way of finding you, or contacting you otherwise," Carth was looking at every member of the team in the eye one by one as he tried to drill it into their heads. 

"Yes, sir," Mission muttered but with no real resentment in her voice, so Carth grinned at her, and remarked: "Hey, I like the sound of that."

Mission stuck her tongue out before playfully saluting him. He returned the salute, in his best parade pose, and got a laugh from the girl. 

It made him inordinately happy to see the girl was starting to accept him, maybe even like him. Of course, now that she had Bastila to resent...

"Good luck," the Twi'lek said, hugging Shin quickly, and shooting a warm smile at Carth. 

o o o

Canderous Ordo took them to Davik Kang's estate where the man himself showed them around the place, trying to convince Shin (of the Mysterious Stranger fame) to join his operation. During the guided tour they were also shown his 'baby', the Ebon Hawk. The ship they were supposed to steal.

Davik very purposefully told them the ship was protected by security codes. 

After the tour the three of them were escorted to a 'guest room' and told they could only leave it to visit the slave quarters, for the time it took Davik to run a check on Shin.

After the crime lord and his entourage had left, Shin took in the lush beds and laughed, turning to look at Carth.

"Well, I'm glad we're not back at the hideout arguing over sleeping arrangements with the others."

Carth thought about it. Three beds. Bastila would complain. He wondered whether she'd ask about the previous night's arrangements, saw the same thought hit Shin at the same time, and turned away to hide his discomfort.

Canderous seemed uninterested in the exchange, unceremoniously lying down on one of the beds. Shin dug up her stealth unit and walked to the door. "I'll be right back!"

She was out before either man had a chance to say anything.

o o o

Shin had been gone for an hour. Carth kept shooting glances at Canderous who was still lying on the bed, eyes open, seemingly relaxed. He couldn't quite find it in him to start a conversation. What would he say to a one-time enemy whose army had killed so many of his comrades?

So he did what he did in these circumstances. Paced. Canderous would occasionally make a sarcastic comment but he refrained from answering. 

Then, finally, the door slid open but no one seemed to come through until Shin shimmered into view.

"Come on, guys, I'll need your help. Try not to attract attention."

She had discovered a prisoner who was being tortured. Canderous grumbled but helped the Republics defeat the guard droids. It paid off – the prisoner was an ex-pilot of the Hawk and rewarded them with its access codes.

"See? It pays to be nice every now and then," Shin smiled at the Mandalorian sweetly, and Carth felt something painful stab his side.

Oh no. No. Just worrying about her. That was all. And, and, manly pride. Yes. They had slept together, after all, and he didn't like feeling like he'd been replaced. That's _all_. 

"Are you okay, Carth? You look... pained."

"Huh? No, I'm fine. Let's go."

o o o

It just figured that nothing would be easy. While they were making their way towards the hangar, the whole building was suddenly shaking with explosions. 

"The Sith! They're bombarding the city!" 

Carth would know, he had had to experience something like this before. Was Malak really willing to attack the whole city just to get to Bastila? With all their troops still down here? Shin shuddered, unable to understand such callousness, such darkness. 

"We have to hurry," Canderous was saying while working to open the hangar doors... just to be met by a sight of his former employer and another of his pet mercs, Calo Nord when they made it through. 

The building falling apart around them added interesting flavour to the match. It was impossible to find cover, and moving was dangerous due to falling debris. Shin abandoned her brand, and got her blasters out – no way was she going to get close to those two. 

Carth had their grenades, and she could see him utilising them from the corner of her eye. She concentrated on shooting at the merc, figuring he was the more dangerous of the two. Luckily, the Sith were making the other side's life equally difficult. 

Suddenly there was a loud crash, and the roof was falling in just where the two were standing, the bits and pieces flying as far as the door, and Shin was pushed to the floor by a hard mass of... Carth. He was protecting her with his own body, then helping her up. Part of her wanted to yell at him for taking foolish risks for her – she could look after herself. Part of her was touched.

No time to think about that now, they were rushing towards the ship through the disintegrating building. No time for delays, either, but Shin couldn't help but stop at the broken body of Davik, visible under the rubble. His armour would come in handy, and she also removed the visor that looked modified... anything she could grab. Calo's body was hidden from view, she didn't even try to dig him up. His armour might be booby trapped, anyway. 

Someone was yelling at her to get a move on, so she did, and before she knew it they were on their way. No time to explore through their new acquisition. Carth sat on the pilot's chair, and Shin found herself from the cannon tower, trying to figure it out very quickly. Presumably she had known how to do this, before. She just hoped it would come back to her like her fighting skills had.

A quick detour by the apartment building, and then they were racing through the collapsing buildings, into space, and through the Sith blockade... five to six fighters at their tail. First one blew up with a satisfying light show and she could see Carth was trying to fly so that her job was as easy as possible. She basically just needed to pull the trigger when the Sith made another attack. Thanks, flyboy. 

Then she felt the familiar jump to hyperspace, and her task was over. She joined the command team in the cockpit, met Carth's grin with one of her own, and had to stop herself from giving him a congratulatory hug. He might not be comfortable with that.

"Where are we heading?" she asked, and Bastila was the one who answered.

"Dantooine. We can find shelter at the Jedi enclave. And the Council can help you with... the visions."

"Dreams," she corrected, distractedly. Her instincts were telling her to keep moving but she couldn't deny the wisdom in Bastila's suggestion either, so she silenced the little voice in her head.

Bastila excused herself to go meditate, and Shin looked at her retreating back before smiling to Carth. "Well, we did it."

She got a slow grin in return. "We sure did."

o o o

Shin left Carth to pilot duty then started exploring the ship. She went through the supplies and found secret compartments pretty much where she'd expected to. It was obvious Ebon Hawk was a smuggling vessel. Unfortunately she lacked the proper codes. With time she would very likely be able to hack her way in but that would most likely destroy the contents. 

She decided it wasn't worth it and moved on. She stopped for a while to check on everyone – even the droid who repaid her attention with a programming spike. 

She found Zaalbar as unresponsive as he'd been on Taris, and decided – again – not to push it. Life debt or no he was still entitled to his secrets. Canderous was more verbose. 

It was funny how everyone managed to scatter around the ship. The Mandalorian was situated close to the exit ramp – as if ready to leave at moment's notice. Probably the soldier in him.

The man intrigued her. They hadn't had much time for discussion and she saw no reason for him to stick around after they'd reached Dantooine, and it almost saddened her. She sensed hidden depths in the seasoned warrior and would have liked to get to know him.

She stopped with him for long enough to share a drink, and listen to some of his war stories. It was horrifying and fascinating at the same time to hear about the Mandalorian war from 'the other side'. She did wonder about her own strong identification with the Republic sometimes, even with her past and her lack of recollection of it, but yet there it was. For her, Mandalorians were 'the other side'.

It was hard to consider Canderous an enemy, though. Not that she'd turn her back at him. 

After leaving him she went to find Mission, and finally located her in the farthest corner, sitting on the floor in the crew quarters.

"You think they'll destroy Taris with the bombing?" she asked with a quiet voice when Shin entered the room.

"I don't know," she replied, closing her eyes and thinking about the City. It was an ugly place with so much misery... but still they had found goodness, courage and friendship there.

It saddened her to think about their hideaway being destroyed.

"I don't know," she repeated, "I'm sorry."

"Well, it wasn't much of a place, really," the girl was trying to put a brave face on it but Shin knew it was mostly just bravado. You can hate your home but it's still your home.

Shin needed to learn more about her brother. She didn't think he sounded like a very reliable guy but he was all she had left in the galaxy besides Zaalbar, and Shin wanted to find him for her, if at all possible. 

The more she learned about Griff the less hopeful she was, though. 

"Wanna play some pazaak?" she asked, knowing it would cheer the girl up – and, hey, she was never adverse to a game or five herself.

They ended up playing dozens of hands before she laughingly threw her hands up in surrender.

The inspection round over she found herself heading back towards the cockpit. Carth. She wanted peace, so she went to him.

"Hey, mind some company?"

His smile said 'no', so she sat in the co-pilot's seat.

"We need to work some kind of shift schedule for this. I wonder how many of our little group can handle the ship..."

"Well, I'm fine for now." Silence. "Don't mind the company, though."

They were both quiet for a long time, staring at the space ahead, then Carth cleared his throat, and started to speak, a little awkwardly.

"You know I find it hard to... trust people."

Shin fought back her impulse to say 'duh!' and nodded.

"Well... One of the ships bombing Taris... was Leviathan. Saul Karath's ship."

"Should I know the name?"

"Yes, you should. Admiral Karath taught me everything I know about being a soldier. He was a legend in the Republic fleet, and a hero to me. Until he betrayed us. He's now commanding Sith troops under Darth Malak."

Shin swallowed, staring at him, horrified.

"Before he defected... he came to me. I didn't realise it at the time but he was obviously trying to... make me go with him. I couldn't conceive of it, of him – him of all people! - betraying the Republic. Maybe if I had... if I'd told someone, done something to stop him... Because he didn't just go to the Sith. He gave them the codes to by-pass Telos' defences. When the Sith fleet came, I knew instantly what had happened, and vowed to kill Saul. I've hated him with passion for years."

Again he struggled for words.

"I should apologise to you. I've become so accustomed to expecting the worst in others, and you've done nothing to deserve that. But... I trusted him... believed in him... and if I could be so wrong about him... I admit, I have... tried to keep you out because I can't be betrayed like that again. I won't survive it. I know it's not fair... to you, to anyone, but... But that's how it is."

"Your family... they died, didn't they?"

"We were... too late. I found my wife bleeding. I held her... when she died. And to this day I don't know what happened to my son. I looked for him for years, until I... stopped. I stopped. And now... I live to avenge them, to kill Saul."

"I'm sorry," she choked out. It felt so inadequate. She couldn't imagine worse pain than not knowing the fate of your child. She couldn't blame him for finding it hard to trust anyone, in the face of that history. And she found it hurt very much to look at this man in pain.

And, she had to admit to herself, it felt like a dagger to the gut to realise he might never be able to trust her, not really, not fully, and not with his self.


	10. Chapter 8

Notes: I shuffle up quite a bit of the action in Dantooine. Still following the story of the game, and the bits of dialogue are there, I just change the order a bit. And yeah, the flight to Dantooine would presumably take longer than one day but... who cares.

o o o o o o o o o o o

Chapter 8: Dantooine, Day 1

Shin slept badly on her first night aboard the Ebon Hawk. She missed Carth's warmth but there was no way she could justify asking for his company now – not only was there enough room for every one of them but he had opted not to sleep but to keep an eye on the flight controls on his own. 

She slept through their landing. Her dreams were vivid and disturbing, leaving her drained and confused. Dark, ominous place... violence... Bastila?

She encountered no one in the ship but when she ventured out Carth was waiting for her next to the exit ramp.

"Wow, you look horrible," he exclaimed.

"Gee, thanks, Captain," she muttered.

"No offence but you look like you've seen a ghost. You're the second person to look like that today, actually. Bastila left only a moment ago, looking like you do. Are you all right?"

"No, I... Yes, I suppose. I had a weird dream..."

"Hey, having witnessed some of your nightmares, I can't blame you for being shaken."

She frowned and he explained. "You're a restless sleeper, Shin Cidon, and, trust me, one can tell when you're having disturbing dreams."

She felt flustered at the casual reference to their shared nights, and quickly asked about the others.

"Well, Bastila went to talk to the Council... Wait, here she comes."

"The Council wants to meet you," Bastila told Shin without pleasantries.

"What? Why?"

"You had a dream. I had the same one. We shared it. I don't understand it, so they need to determine the meaning behind it."

"Wait, how do you know we shared a dream?"

"I'm a Jedi," she said as if it explained all. Maybe it did.

"I'll join you in a moment," Shin said, and the other woman left.

She stood with Carth, looking at Bastila's retreating back.

"Wow," Carth said. "The Jedi Council. Why do they...?"

"I don't know, Carth. I tell you though, I have a bad feeling about this."

After that she went back to the Hawk to clean up, and Carth followed Bastila.

o o o

Carth was waiting outside the Council chamber when Shin appeared, looking more composed than she had previously. She still looked apprehensive, and he had to fight down the sudden urge to hug her. They didn't have that sort of a relationship. 

"I'm sure it'll be fine," he offered lamely but she smiled gratefully in return, and after a deep breath entered the room.

She was only gone for a couple of minutes before walking out and giving him another smile, this one removed of all traces of humour. 

"They want to meditate on it."

"The whole shared dream-thing?"

"Yeah. They wouldn't really tell me much. Come on, let's go look around."

He followed her out to explore the place. Just the two of them, like the first days in Taris. There wasn't much to see, as they weren't permitted to leave the enclave. Couple of stores, Jedi, and a rude padawan who thought Shin was a Jedi as well.

"What do these people see or sense in me that I don't?" she asked from Carth who couldn't really offer any enlightenment, not being Force-sensitive himself. He just knew there was something about her that set her apart from everyone else – he'd always known that. At first it had made him suspicious but now he was willing to put it down to his attraction to her. 

They found Zaalbar eating his second breakfast and Mission joined them, bored with watching him do it. Her chatter put an end to the tranquil closeness Carth had been enjoying with Shin but it was still peaceful, even pleasant. 

Their peace was interrupted when an older Twi'lek woman hailed Mission who bristled.

"Lena!"

o o o

Shin looked at the "big-breasted, table-dancing, brother-stealing cantina-rat" as she told her story and couldn't help but believe her. What would Lena gain by lying, anyway? What she told about Griff's behaviour fitted into the picture Shin had formed of Mission's brother. 

Mission was still defending him, to Lena, and, after she'd left, to them. Shin found she couldn't state her opinion as forcefully as she'd have liked when meeting the pleading – young – gaze of the blue-skinned girl. 

"Yes, of course we'll go look or him in Tatooine as soon as we can."

Mission ran into Ebon Hawk to lick her wounds and Shin met Carth's understanding gaze.

"What was I supposed to say?" she asked helplessly, then grinned as her sense of humour raised its wicked head. "After all, he taught her all the useful skills..."

"Pick-pocketing, lock-hacking..." he listed with an answering grin.

Bastila chose that moment to appear and inform them that the Council was ready for Shin.

Carth was again forbidden to enter the room but Shin asked him to stay and wait for her outside. He represented normalcy for her in this foreign place.

o o o

Carth ended up waiting for a long time before Shin finally appeared, looking shell-shocked. Bastila was following her, trying to say something but she silenced her with a quick hand gesture.

Shin met Carth's concerned eyes.

"They want me to become a Jedi."

He could feel his mouth hanging open, and closed it with a snap before raising his eyes off her face to meet Bastila's eyes but the Jedi avoided looking at him. He turned back to the shorter woman and read the plea of help in her dark eyes. 

Gently he guided her out of the building, and into a secluded spot on the yard they had discovered earlier.

o o o

"No offence, beautiful, but aren't you a bit old?" Carth asked, as they sat down in the shade.

"Are you really rude enough to ask my age?" she tried to joke and he rewarded her efforts with a dazzling smile.

"So what if I am?"

Her face clouded. "27 is the best estimate."

He frowned.

"Memory loss, remember?" she said, smiling wanly.

"But surely there were records..."

"Smuggler here, there were no documents revealing my real name in the vessel."

"Real name?" He frowned again.

Now her smile was sad. "'Shin Cidon' is a mythical figure around that part of the galaxy. It means 'unknown warrior'. I doubt it's a name my parents gave me."

His face showed his effort to come to grips with everything she had lost but her mind was already back at the original subject. "So, yes, I'm about 25 years too old. They are mumbling something about my 'strong dormant Force abilities' and shortage of the Jedi but I can't help feeling that they're hiding something."

"The Jedi? Hiding something? Well, I never."

She almost laughed at that.

"I think they know more about this mysterious connection between me and Bastila than they let on, too."

"Well... Are you going to do it?" Carth's question made her sober up.

"I... something in me is forcing me to. I could help people so much better... Besides, I've _always_ wanted a lightsaber!"

o o o 


	11. Chapter 9

Notes: I shuffle up quite a bit of the action in Dantooine. Still following the story of the game, and the bits of dialogue are there, I just change the order a bit. 

o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o

Chapter 9: Dantooine, Following Months

o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o 

It was weird time, Shin's training. All of Ebon Hawk's assorted crew stuck around. Maybe they all felt it – that there was a mission waiting, a time when they would be needed. An honourable challenge for Canderous. A chance for Zaalbar to make good of his promise. And Mission... she would stay with Big Z and the woman she had learned to love like a big sister. Carth? He didn't know himself.

He should have returned to the front lines, to fight the Sith. But he felt needed here. It was to him Shin turned when the training proved too much and she needed to play hooky for an hour or two. She seemed to need his help, his presence, for reasons he couldn't quite understand but wasn't ready to consider too deeply.

They were fast becoming friends and not just two people fate had thrown together and who stuck together for survival. He told himself he had forgotten how her skin felt like against his. How she looked when... Forgotten.

Besides, she was a Jedi now, and everyone in the Fleet knew the Jedi were off limits.

o o o

Shin drew strength from Carth for her work. The solid presence of someone so un-Jedi like helped her deal with the half-truths and evasions she encountered daily. 

Her relationship with Bastila had changed. The younger woman was less arrogant and not so irritating here. She was a real help in Shin's rushed training – but the ex-smuggler still struggled with accepting the alleged bond. True, it could help when trying to grasp some subtle point of a lightsaber form but she felt uncomfortable with having her in her head, and was glad she seemed to have strong natural barriers that could usually keep Bastila out of her mind. Sleep was the only time she couldn't control them, and they shared a few more unnerving dreams. 

It was weird, but so was the whole training. Sometimes Shin felt the same about the Force as she had about fighting. Things forgotten being re-learned... but that could not be, right? Had the Masters in the Council been easier to approach she might have shared her thoughts with them. As things were... she didn't trust Bastila enough, yet, nor did she trust the bond she couldn't fully control. 

In the end, she talked to Carth.

"You know, I've been watching you," he began, then turned away, flustered. "Not ogling or anything, you know, following your progress," he hastened to explain, and Shin laughed.

"Yeah, yeah. But I mean... I compare you to these padawans, and... Your movements are more graceful than theirs. You learn so much faster than them... Who knows, maybe you were in training before you got bored and decided the life of a free trader was more your style. Maybe, if we went to Coruscant, we would find you listed in their archives..."

"That... doesn't sound implausible. It would explain so much! Thank you, Carth. Thank you for not telling me I'm going crazy or imagining things."

"Hey, you still could be," he said, grinning. "I'm just saying that there's a lot you don't remember, and some of it is obviously fight training. We don't know when or how you got it but no reason to be apprehensive of it – you use it like you'd use any resources."

"Yes, sir, thank you, sir!" 

"Ha ha. Ready for more training?"

She groaned. "Guess I got to. I should meet Bastila for some lightsaber training. Which will interest me more when they give me an actual saber instead of the training one."

o o o

After the session with Bastila Shin retreated into the tiny garden and found a corner to meditate in but found it impossible to concentrate. She followed the traditional teachings and repeated the Jedi Code in her mind, hoping it would help her find her calm centre. "There is no emotion; there is peace. There is no ignorance; there is knowledge. There is no passion; there is serenity. There is no chaos; there is harmony. There is no death; there is the Force." No emotion, peace; no passion, serenity... That's how she always thought about her night with Carth; not passion but peace...

Flustered that her thoughts had once again turned to him when she was trying to empty her mind she jumped up, and went in search of company to distract her.

All of the crew still slept in the Hawk. They had been offered rooms in the Enclave but everyone except Bastila had decided to stay in the ship instead – all for their own reasons. Shin knew she'd find company there.

It didn't really surprise her that Carth was the first person she encountered, approaching the ship.

"How did it go?" he asked, kindly.

She made a so-so sign with her hand then grinned wickedly. "I can't concentrate on meditating, want to run away with me?" 

"You'd be punished for disobedience, Padawan." He grinned.

"Not even a damn Padawan yet," she corrected, pouting.

He laughed at her petulant expression, and they boarded the ship side by side, only to be met by an interesting sight: Zaalbar was tweaking T3 with instruments that looked tiny in his huge paws.

o o o

"What are you doing?" Shin asked, and got an answer in both Shyriwook and droid.

Carth looked at her for translation that was not forthcoming, she just nodded her approval. They had reached the next room before she noticed his look.

"Zaalbar wishes I am not upset even if he uses his free time enhancing the droid's performance."

"Why would you be upset?" Carth frowned.

Shin smiled suddenly with a radiance she seldom had these days and Carth nearly missed her response, getting lost in it. 

"He seems to be of the opinion that since I stole it, it's mine."

"Does the same apply to the Ebon Hawk, then?" Carth asked, amused.

"Well, I suppose we need to fight it out with Canderous," she replied, grinning, and they were both startled when the gruff Mandalorian appeared as if out of nowhere.

"Fight what out with me?"

"The ownership of the Hawk," Shin explained, recovering quickly.

Canderous raised his hands, palms facing her in the universal gesture of surrender and laughed.

"All yours, baby. I've had my ass kicked by the Jedi once already."

"What, not up for a rematch?" she teased.

As Carth saw the sweet smile aimed at another man he felt the more and more familiar stabbing pain in his side. No. 

Canderous went wherever he had been going, and Shin looked worryingly at Carth's face. 

"What's wrong? Is it the remainder of the war?" she asked, concerned.

"What? Oh no, no... I..." 

Well, not the way she meant, anyway. It was that smile. The memories of the nights they'd spent outside, under the stars, sharing stories by fire. Every night found the ragtag group that had escaped Taris together by the side of the ship that had become their home. Even Bastila joined them, on occasion. It was the memory of her rapt expression when listening to Canderous' war stories...

True, she paid as much attention to Mission's stories of her adventures, so maybe... 

"I'm fine, don't worry," he finished, realising she was still waiting for his explanation.

"So, what would you like to do since we can't run away?" he asked, trying to distract her from the worry he still could read on her face.

She smiled at him, probably realising what he was doing and not caring. The moment she opened her mouth to talk they were interrupted by Bastila clearing her throat.

Shin groaned, and bent her head so that it brushed Carth's arm. "Caught," she muttered, and he patted her arm compassionately.

o o o

"The Masters think you're ready for testing," Bastila declared without preliminaries, and Shin could only stare at her incredulously.

"Ready? I can't even concentrate on meditating! I'm all antsy."

"Really?" Bastila raised her eyebrow inquiringly. "You seem perfectly calm now."

As she spoke Shin realised it was true. Carth always affected her so. He seemed to be the peace she couldn't find in her solitary meditations. She met his eyes and hoped her smile conveyed some of this to him.

His answering smile was partly sad and partly proud – but she didn't know whether that was directed at himself or at her for reaching this point.

She turned to follow Bastila, and Carth called "Good luck" after her.

"There is no luck..." Bastila started to say.

"...just my incredible skill," Shin finished for her, just loud enough for Carth to hear so that it was the comforting sound of his laughter that followed her outside.

- - - to be continued - - -


	12. Chapter 10

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Chapter 10: Dantooine, The Tests

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Reciting the Jedi Code was easy. Shin had meditated on its meaning often enough to answer Master Zhar's questions easily.

Even building her own lightsaber felt simple, apparently the hours spent reading technical manuals paid off. It was still surreal – until that moment, despite her growing control of the Force, she had felt like she was only playing at being a Jedi. Somehow this made it feel more real.

When she first held the finished weapon in her hand and gazed at its yellow glow she felt a sense of rightness so strong she knew all her hard work had been worth it, and had no doubts about whether she belonged here or not.

A yellow crystal, the sign of a Jedi Sentinel. "For those who cannot decide whether they're fish or fowl" as one Padawan had put it but she felt confident it was a right path for her, at least for now. The colour though...

She couldn't stop testing the weapon, switching it on and off repeatedly, admiring its sound, and the graceful arc it made in the dim corridor. She laughed out loud, again feeling like a child playing a Jedi. She ran outside, still laughing, wanting to share the feeling with Carth, Mission, even Bastila.

"Looking like a Jedi," Carth said, smiling the smile Shin just knew he'd used with his son.

For once she didn't care, she knew she was acting like a youngling.

o o o

By the time Shin faced the Council to get her final test she had calmed down. Her left hand still rested on the weapon on her belt, though, as if it would disappear if she let go for a second.

Again she got the feeling the Jedi of the Council left things out in their explanations as they directed her towards a place tainted with the dark side. Of course, in this situation, it was probably part of the test.

For this, she was allowed to leave the confines of the Enclave, and even to take company. Finally! She knew her companions were getting a little stir-crazy. Now, who should she take? Carth, obviously. Mission? In the end she decided to take Canderous. He was bound to feel a little cooped up and she had heard rumours of Mandalorian raiders...

She burst out in laughter when she saw them. Carth and Canderous were scowling at each other – both of them had managed to choose a similar armour from the Hawk's stores, and were glowing golden in the Sun.

"My royal guard," she got out, choking in laughter.

"Hey, Shin, we got something for you!" Mission appeared from the ship, dragging Zaalbar behind her.

Without ceremony, the Wookiee handed her an armour that shined purple when the light hit it. Mission was chattering away about how Zaalbar had reworked Davik's personal armour to fit her. Not a mean feat seeing that she was half his size.

"Thank you," she said, smiling, and instantly tried it on.

Bastila had been exasperated at Shin's reluctance to wear robes like the other students even if she wasn't allowed Padawan robes yet, and she didn't see herself wearing those even when she could. She felt naked without her armour and concentrated hard to hone her awakening Force abilities so that they would not be hindered by the use of personal armour as she knew Bastila's were.

She now made a few mocking turns in the yard, modelling her new look before sobering up and heading towards the gate with her 'royal guard'.

o o o

Having been restricted to the area of the Enclave for so long it didn't really come as a surprise to Carth that Shin wanted to explore the place a little before heading to the 'tainted grove'.

So again he got to admire Shin at work, talking to the locals, listening to their worries, accepting their missions – to find an errant droid, to avenge a dead daughter... A Twi'lek Jedi told her about a dangerous cave where she might be able to find rare crystals for her lightsaber, and another older Jedi gave further hints about her job at the grove.

Almost instantly outside the inhabited area they encountered their first wildlife, and after that it felt like they fought against kath hounds every five minutes. It was interesting to see Shin working her lightsaber, and occasionally getting frustrated and abandoning it in favour of her blasters.

So interesting, in fact, that Carth forgot to pay attention to what he was doing and took a bad bite as a punishment. He fell, but took the beast with him with a blaster shot to its neck.

"Carth!" Shin's voice was full of concern.

"Was sloppy," he muttered, getting up. "I'll be fine."

"Show me," she demanded, and as he presented the cut to her he felt a weird tingling sensation run through his hand. Warm, soft... healing.

He could only stare, incredulous, as the torn skin was healed, and the pain disappeared. He raised his questioning gaze to Shin's face. She shrugged.

"Been practising."

"Wow. Force healing?" he asked. "How does it work?"

"It's like... Like getting in touch with the Force in and around you, telling the injured part to draw strength from the universe itself, from the Force twirling all around us. Or something like that. Half of what I do is not conscious. I just know what needs to be done, and – ask – the Force to help. Never tried that particular adaptation of it yet."

"Well, thank you, in any case," he got out, looking at his companion in a new way, now.

He had _known_ she was practising to be a Jedi, seen her levitate objects with the power of her thoughts, witnessed her play with her sabre... but this finally brought it home. She was a Jedi. She could do what Bastila and the other Jedi could. She could master the Force, and make the world respond in a way he could only dream about – see the world in a way he could only marvel at.

She grinned at him, as if reading his mind, (Surely she couldn't do _that_?) as if trying to remind him that it was still her, still the same woman he'd come to know and l... like, despite the new skills she'd learned.

o o o

They ran into some Mandalorian raiders, too. Canderous was disgusted.

"This is what we have been reduced to. Mercenaries, bandits... thugs. Ganging up with Rodians and other dregs of the galaxy, terrorising farmers... We lost our purpose and direction when Revan defeated us."

"We have to come back when we're finished with this test, and find the leader of this little gang. At least we can stop them from terrorising these farmers," Shin said, and Canderous agreed.

He had no qualms in taking down his own when they sunk this low. But he reminded that these would not be the only ones they'd likely run into.

"You'll find many groups like this on other planets. Scattered... Lost."

o o o

They finally made it to the grove, and found the reason for the taint – a young alien padawan who froze Carth and Canderous, leaving Shin to face her alone.

The girl was good, fighting furiously, hitting Shin with her sabre with desperate strength. Shin wasn't that confident in her sabre handling but the many hours of practice with Bastila paid off in her ability to block the strikes.

She fought back with sneakiness, answering a sabre blow with a kick, and drew on every Force-related skill she had learned, time and again sending the girl away from her with what felt like a push with the Force.

Finally the girl was beaten, and expected the final blow to end her life. Shin switched off her sabre and shook her head.

"I'm not here to kill you."

"But... I've fallen to the dark side. I struck down my master. I am beyond redemption."

"No one's beyond redemption..." she made the pause a question.

"Juhani," the young woman offered, and Shin smiled.

Juhani seemed like a sulky child, revelling in her naughtiness, and Shin had to remind herself that this was really serious. The young woman was really strong, and a real threat – one wrong word and they would be in the middle of the fight again, and this time it might not end before one of them was dead.

"Juhani, you are a talented, beautiful young woman, with all your life in front of you. The Jedi won't let one mistake made in the heat of the moment destroy all that for you, waste all that potential."

"What could I do? Surely I will be punished, exiled..."

"If you go to the Council, show them that you have let go of your anger, show them that you truly understand your actions and take responsibility for them... It takes strength to admit your mistakes, and take responsibility for your actions. I believe the Council will understand – and forgive."

Shin let the words roll of her tongue, playing to the subtle clues on her face and stance. She _did_ believe that Juhani could be saved, that she would make a good Jedi one day. She _did_ believe the Jedi would take her back – or they would go against everything they taught. Still, the words were used for certain effect, and she used all her rhetorical skills to say just the things the young woman needed to hear, to persuade her to believe her.

She succeeded. Juhani switched off her lightsaber, and met Shin's gaze with new determination.

"Even with my darkness I couldn't defeat you. You are so strong, so sure in your convictions... I will go back. And maybe one day... I can be as strong as you."

"Don't go back for that. Go back because you believe in what I say."

"I do. I still have much to learn about controlling my emotions. But now I believe I can do so. Thank you..." It was her turn to turn the hesitation into a question.

"Shin Cidon," she said, smiling. "You will be a fine Jedi one day, Juhani. It takes courage to beat the darkness inside yourself."

o o o


	13. Chapter 11

Chapter 11: Leaving Dantooine

o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o

Saving Juhani from the darkness gave Shin her place in the Order but she felt awkward, listening to the Council's ceremonious words. They'd meditate on her current position. Well, she'd never.

She wasn't going to sit around waiting for their decision, though. There was much to be done. The Mandalorian leader, the family dispute between the Sandals and the Matales threatening to turn into war (the Council seemed happy to ignore)... and she wanted to find the cave the Twi'lek had mentioned...

o o o

After they had located the leader of the Mandalorians, Shin directed Mission (with a new tricked up blaster rifle she had purchased that morning) and Carth behind cover to give them supporting fire, and took Zaalbar and Canderous with her to engage the enemy in melee combat.

She herself attacked the leader with her lightsaber, protected by a personal shield against the blaster fire of his men. She was more than grateful for the covering fire her allies provided – the man was a tougher opponent than Juhani. She found herself fighting with everything she had – desperate arcs with her sabre and everything she could make the Force do for her.

They won.

Shin was so exhausted it took half an hour for her to collect enough energy to heal herself, and those of her allies who had suffered injuries. She was getting better at the healing thing now that there was a real need for it.

But healing Canderous or even Mission lacked the _connection_ she felt when healing Carth. She decided not to think about it at the moment but meditate on its meaning later.

After thinking that she couldn't help but marvel at how Jedi-like her thought processes had become. She wasn't sure she liked it.

o o o

Looting the corpses of their fallen enemy felt like nothing after Taris, but to her horror Shin discovered many lightsabers on the Mandalorian leader's body. So the Jedi had not ignored the threat – they had just not succeeded in stopping it.

She picked up one of the them and tested it for balance. Then she took her own lightsaber in her right hand and the other one on her left, and moved them around experimentally. They felt... good. She could work with them. It wasn't quite like using two blasters but some of that experience obviously helped because she did not feel as clumsy as she had when she first tried using her left hand for shooting.

The new sabre was green. It didn't feel any better than her own yellow. She was supposedly following the path of the Jedi consular, and should be proud to show it with her crystal colour but... it didn't feel right.

"Well, that was the raiders taken care of," she said, smiling to her friends. "Now to the cave. Any volunteers?"

o o o

It was surprisingly easy to locate the cave – it seemed to call for Shin, like a beacon in the Force, whispering to her in sounds not quite language.

The kinrath that lived there did not prove much of a challenge for Shin and her companions, but she was careful not to damage their eggs. She still did not like killing, and killing unborn beings – even knowing they would grow up to these beings that attacked anything in the vicinity – just did not feel right.

The cave was filled with crystalline structures that seemed to vibrate with the Force, and she knew they would do _something_ when added to a lightsaber. She carefully extracted bits of every crystal. Her problem with the colour was also solved when she encountered a purple crystal. She'd fashion sable crystals out of that; she felt no other power in it – it would only affect the colour of the beam. Conceit? Maybe, but she didn't feel comfortable with her current colour.

She wasn't comfortable with everything the Jedi believed in, either, and sometimes worried that that was a sign of darkness in her. Maybe this small act of rebellion was the first step on a road to the dark side? Somehow, that didn't feel true either. But she counted on Vrook to tell her if it was so. The man was darkly pessimistic about her chances as it was.

o o o

"You did _what_?" Bastila wasn't screaming. She never screamed. And if she happened to raise her voice a little, well. That was only expected when this green padawan was offering her rare crystals for her sabre.

Shin was handing them out like candy. For her, for Juhani – and it was obvious her own sabre... sabres were already enhanced.

"I... thank you," she muttered, and selected two crystals to work into her double-blade.

"The Council has a task for you – for us," she then said, and gestured the older woman to follow her to the Council chambers.

o o o

Shin walked slowly towards the Council. She saw Master Zhar's eyes stop on her belt where she had clipped both the sabres in, and switched them both on, as if for his inspection.

"So very like you, padawan, to choose your own path," Master Vandar said, no censure in his voice for the colour she now carried.

"The place in the dream you shared with Bastila has been recognised as the ancient ruins not far from the Enclave. We had assumed they were not important but apparently Revan and Malak entered them at some point of their career and discovered... something. Something dark, judging from the mood of the vision."

"We believe that we can find a way to stop Malak only by following their footsteps," Vrook joined in on Vandar's explanation.

"You and Bastila must search the ruins. You can take anyone you wish with you."

o o o

So. Finally they would be visiting the place Shin had seen in a dream (vision?) all those months ago.

Only Carth had decided to join the two Jedi on their expedition. Shin realised he shared her sense of foreboding when he muttered "I have a bad feeling about this" as they got closer to the ruins. Bastila, however, pressed on, and they followed.

o o o

"It's... beautiful," Shin whispered, looking at the thing the ancient guard droid had called a Star Map.

"It's filled with dark power!" Bastila said, accusingly.

"It's still beautiful," Carth defended Shin, who seemed transfixed by the sight.

"It started here..." she whispered.

She understood what she had seen in the vision now; Revan and Malak had not fallen, not fully, until entering this room, seeing this sight, and... following it to wherever it pointed. She now believed it really had been a vision, somehow triggered by the strong impression the two had left on the planet – in the Force around the place.

She had heard about Revan and Malak – the heroes who became the enemy – until she'd felt sick. She really liked Carth's attitude the best: a blaster shot to the head in time would have solved the problem.

This place made the thing more real, somehow. Instead of storybook villains the two felt... closer, somehow. They had once been Jedi knights, standing in this place, awed by this sight, and been driven to the path of darkness...

The path that led them to a war against the Republic, taking many of their comrades with them, to the final act of betrayal that made the apprentice turn on his master, which allowed the Jedi to defeat Revan.

The path Master Vrook was afraid Shin would also follow.

Shin looked at Bastila, then let her eyes rest on Carth. No. Not as long as these two were by her side.

o o o

It did not really surprise Shin that the Council wanted to send their ragtag group to look for the remaining Star Maps on the other planets Revan and Malak visited, to try to locate the mysterious Star Forge in the hopes that that would help them defeat Malak and his seemingly endless fleet of Sith. It felt inevitable.

She had ambivalent feelings about Juhani's presence. The girl looked up to her to keep her in the path of light, and she wasn't sure she was up to that.

Bastila would be watching _her_. Canderous, unsurprisingly, joined in – he was just thrilled at having something worthwhile to do. 'Big Z' and Mission came as a package. But Carth...

Carth seemed subdued, and it didn't take much prodding to get the reason out of him.

"You're a neophyte padawan, saddled with finding the Star Maps... Don't they have to train you?"

"If you don't want me along..."

"I'm worried about you, dammit! You're good, I give you that... but... you've just started with this Jedi thing... I mean, I understand why they send Bastila, Canderous... and I've been a soldier as long as you've been alive!"

Shin bit her lip to not laugh. "You started early, then."

That made Carth finally let go of his righteous anger and chuckle, too. "So that was a slight exaggeration. But you get my point."

"Yes. And I appreciate having someone worry about me. But for some reason the council feels like I must do this. And I'm... I feel like I should do this. I'm glad if you decide to join us."

"Wouldn't miss it for the world," came the weary reply but he followed it with a small smile.

Shin smiled back. Now she was looking forward to this journey.

- - - - end of Part 1 - - - -


	14. Chapter 12

Notes: I'm moving further away from the actual game dialogue but I still use it as the base. And I take creative licences with the floor plan of Ebon Hawk. Individual crew quarters, for example. Oh, and a couple of heads!;)

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Chapter 12: On the Way to Tatooine

o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o

Shin should have known things would stay smooth with Carth for long. He had not been present with their final meeting with the Council, and apparently was still not fully satisfied with why Shin was present in this expedition. And, as always, that made all his protective instincts kick in, and... he attacked her with all his doubts.

"I _thought_ we were in this together, then suddenly you come and tell me where to fly, and you obviously know more than you're telling – you and Bastila. You're part of 'them' now, the Jedi, and you start keeping things from the rest of them just like the rest of your kind!"

He ran his fingers through his hair before the last frustrated line: "I'm _tired_ of no one telling me anything."

"Bastila and I have... a bond," Shin explained quietly.

"A... bond? You mean, a Force bond? You're _tied_ together somehow? And this never came up in discussions? Dammit, I thought we were friends! Guess I was wrong. About a whole lot of things. I tell you this much, I'm _not_ going to wait around until I'm betrayed again."

She had thought they'd moved beyond all that betrayal stuff, and built trust and a true friendship but apparently she had been wrong. She didn't know what to say to him and didn't want him to see how much his words hurt her. Since their last disagreement had been so easily solved she was emotionally unprepared for this.

"I... whatever. You fly this thing, and I go do the Jedi thing and meditate in my quarters."

o o o

Carth felt like banging his head against the controls. He really hadn't meant for it to come out quite like that. But just like in Taris, a seemingly small thing just made all his doubts flare up and... and he ended up hurting her.

Why, with all her Jedi-stoicism, didn't she seem able to hide her pain from him, he couldn't understand. It had radiated from her like... like something visible.

He debated with himself, argued with himself, and spent a generally unpleasant time in the cockpit before Bastila came to relieve him.

"I'm worried about Shin," she said. "She's blocking our bond."

"She can do that?" Carth asked, only vaguely aware what a link like that would entail from listening to fragments of conversations during their stay on Dantooine. (Many of those fragments made more sense now.)

"Apparently," Bastila replied. "She usually keeps me from sensing her emotions unless distracted or asleep but this... this feels like a wall."

"You check up on her a lot through the bond?"

It was not really an accusation but Bastila's flustered reply spoke of guilt. Carth didn't wait around to hear her stammered excuses but left in search of Shin.

The wall was his fault, he was sure of it. He made her doubt herself (and how did he have that kind of power over her?), he needed to make it better. Just how he was going to do that he didn't have a clue.

After knocking on her door for a minute with no reply he felt even more at loss. This had been so much easier with his wife. He acted like a jerk, he got flowers, things were fine. Where was he going to find flowers in a space ship? And why was he comparing this woman he didn't even _trust_ to his wife?

But he did trust her. Didn't he? He just needed to convince her of that.

"Final warning, Shin Cidon! I am going to apologise, and I'm going to do it now, and there's nothing you can do to stop me."

Mission peeked round a corner, obviously curious about the shouting. Carth could swear she was suppressing a giggle when she disappeared out of sight.

"We have two options. Either you open this damn door, or I'll go on shouting, and everyone can witness our row. Now I don't know about you..."

The door opened just a fraction. He stepped in and Shin backed off, matching him step for step. Carth couldn't read her passive face. She was obviously trying to hide some strong emotion but he wasn't sure whether it was anger or sadness.

"I..." Now that he was here he didn't know what to say.

"I do trust you," is what came out instead of an apology. "It's just that I'm..."

"Paranoid?" Shin suggested.

"I deserve that," he conceded.

"You deserve much worse but I can't fight with you," she whispered, turning away.

Definitely sadness.

"All of these people are following _you_ to this mission – no pun intended – not Bastila, not the Jedi Order, not me. You. They all believe in you."

"What about you? Do you believe in me?"

"I can't say I fully understand our task or its final meaning... but I know it's huge. And I know it will be worth it. _And_ I know that for some reason you seem to be the key for it. The Jedi seem to think so, why else would they send you out here, fresh from training? I... Will you let me help you?"

She met his eyes with a serious stare. "Will you promise to work _with_ me?"

"Yeah. Partners?" he offered her a shy smile and his hand.

She took it seemingly reluctantly, and he kicked himself mentally for putting that reserve there. Finally he gave in to the impulse and used their joined hands to pull her closer, to envelope her in a hug.

That was the closest they'd been to each other since sleeping together and at once his treacherous body misinterpreted her nearness. He could feel his heartbeat gain speed, and was sure she could feel it too. Unable to let go, he closed his eyes and chanted his own personal mantra: "Jedi are off-limits, Jedi are off-limits..."

Shin took a deep breath that pushed her body even closer to Carth's and he bit his lip. Then she gave him a final squeeze before letting go.

"I know apologies don't come easy to you. I appreciate them even more because of that," she said.

"I just wish I didn't always put myself in a position that requires apologies," he muttered, but not without humour, and was gratified to see her smile.

"Well, partner, feed me," she said, grinning suddenly.

"Me?"

"Hey, it's your fault I've been moping here for so long I missed Mission's lunch."

"Moping? I thought it was called meditating?" He grinned back, and offered his arm for her.

"It's a Jedi-thing, you wouldn't understand," she proclaimed haughtily, and let herself be led to the galley.

o o o

The rest of the journey was uneventful. Carth spent most of it flying, Shin divided her time between meditating, practising sabre techniques in the cargo hold with Bastila, practising hand-to-hand combat with Canderous, playing pazaak with Mission, and keeping Carth company in the cockpit.

She quite enjoyed herself. The only year of her life she could remember had been quite solitary, but she now came to a conclusion that she liked company. Friendship.

For a moment she rued the friendships she must have lost with her memory, then remembered the glimpses to violence she had recalled, and wondered whether she had actually had any friends.

Well, no use dwelling on it. She still found herself meditating on the subject a lot trying to force memories to surface but the only thing she seemed able to produce were more visions of Revan and Malak and... Bastila? The closer they got to Tatooine, the more the visions seemed to circle around the planet.

She saw the Star Map, in a... cave? Well, no doubt everything would become clear once they reached Tatooine.


	15. Chapter 13

Really didn't mean to take this long. I suck.

o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o

Chapter 12: Tatooine, First Day

o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o

"Gizka?" Shin could only stare at the delivery alien incredulously. "You put _gizka_ in _my_ ship?"

She turned and ran back to Ebon Hawk past the dock worker she had just been chatting with, up the ramp, through the open hatch only to watch helplessly as a few of the little brown creatures happily jumping all over the ship. And knowing the speed they reproduced...

Canderous was staring at the creatures with a flabbergasted look, then shrugged, and took a swig out of the can he was holding just as Shin opened her mouth and said, enunciating very clearly: "Mucho-chacka-fucking-packa" causing the Mandalorian to spray the liquid all over the floor and Bastila who had appeared, wondering what the commotion was all about.

Shin hid her face in her hands.

"Gizka! Isn't this just a perfect beginning. Come on guys," she said to Carth and Mission. "Let's try this leaving thing again. The rest of you you... have fun with the zoo. No killing them, Canderous."

o o o

Next stop, Czerka offices, to enquire after Griff.

Shin wasn't overly surprised when it turned out Mission's brother had managed to get himself in trouble in here as well. Still...

"Yes, of course we're going to find him, Mission."

She made a deal with Czerka to look into their Sand People problem in exchange for a hunting licence without which they couldn't leave the walled city.

Outside the office they met a Durosian who spoke for the Sand People, explaining their culture, and claiming there was a better way to deal with them than killing them. Apparently, there was this droid for sale in Anchorhead that could communicate with them...

"Let me guess," Carth said after the alien had left. "You'll want to go droid shopping."

She turned to look at him. "Well, if I have a choice not to butcher sentient beings..."

"So we go droid shopping."

"Yeah, well, let's visit the Hunting Lodge first. Someone might be able to give us some leads about the Star Map."

"Nice to hear you still remember our original mission in between all these side quests," Carth said dryly.

But his eyes were laughing so she only hit him lightly in the arm.

"I'd say that's our 'original Mission'," she countered, pointing at the young Twi'lek who was talking to some Jawas a little further away.

o o o

They spent a while in the Lodge, Shin talking to all the hunters there to get some pointers. Their attitudes ranged from outright hostile to courteous but bored. One man was flirty to the point of frisky, and Carth's immediate reaction to come to Shin's defence was gratifying but she had to tease him about it.

Her smiling 'My hero!' left Mission giggling and Carth flustered.

o o o

When they reached the droid shop it was obviously love at first sight, Carth noted. HK-47 wanted _someone_ to get him out of Yuka Laka's shop, and people with big guns were his type. And Shin just adored his irreverent attitude. He possessed a strong personality for a droid.

"Statement: I am sure you will be happy with your purchase although you could have had to give less credits to the cowardly merchant."

"I don't go around threatening people," Shin told the droid, obviously amused.

"Statement: Now you have me to do it for you, master!"

Carth was a little worried about the bloodthirsty nature of the self-proclaimed assassin droid but as long as it... he kept following Shin's directions he was sure they'd be fine. Shin wasn't bloodthirsty. As good as she was in a fight she was always reluctant to resort to it. As evidenced by the purchase of the droid in the first place, to be able to talk with the Sand People.

o o o

At the gate that lead out into the desert they met a Jawa who asked Shin, whom he addressed as a leader, to rescue some of his people trapped by the Sand People. Bastila and Carth got into a debate over the trustworthiness of the small alien but Shin merely smiled an promised to do her best.

Neither Carth nor Bastila were really surprised.

o o o

The first time Shin saw her new acquisition in action in a fight she was completely won over.

"My pet," she said, beaming, "I'm going to steal you a nice big gun!"

Fighting the attacking Sand People in the desert brought other revelations as well. Shin felt even more at one with the Force than on Dantooine at any point of her training.

She could 'see' the world around her through the Force, could feel her companions, knew when they were injured and could manipulate the currents of the Force to heal their wounds... it all seemed to be connected to all the living things. She couldn't feel the desert but she could locate the beasts that inhabited it. She couldn't repair her droid companions but she could use the physical manifestations of her powers to hurt, to attack... She had mastered the trick she had used against Juhani in desperation, one she now mentally called 'Force push'. Very handy.

It was intoxicating, all that she could do, all that she knew she could learn to do. There seemed to be no limits to how powerful one could be with the Force by your side. It was weird, too. Most of it still felt like re-learning what she had always known, always done... and she seemed to be catching up with Bastila despite the difference in the time they had been used training.

It was scary, too. All that power, so fast... would it make her proud? Careless? She still used her lightsabres in a fight much more often than the Force, mostly because she felt more secure with the physical world.

She sent out a burst of healing energy towards Carth, almost without conscious thought. She was so used to tracking his condition on some level that it hardly registered any more. And his presence still felt different from her other companions.

He was a luminous being in the currents of the Force, brighter than anyone else she could sense. Bastila came second, through their bond or because of her Force abilities, Shin didn't know. Probably the first because Mission shone bright blue in her perception and she was not a Jedi.

The desert was a wrong place for these deep thoughts, Shin decided, when a band of Sand People warriors attacked out of nowhere, and she needed all her new-found skills to defend herself.

o o o

They disguised themselves in the robes they'd taken off the dead Sand People and got the the village where HK-47 made sure they were taken to meet the chieftain.

Shin had decided it was safer if only a few of them went in – Canderous, Juhani and Bastila waited outside, ready to come to their aid if something went wrong. She couldn't keep Mission out, though, not with a chance of finding Griff. And Carth... well, she just liked having him around, and if something did indeed go wrong, she would be glad to have his steadying presence next to her in a fight.

They struck a bargain with the Sand People. For some moisture collectors they'd lessen their attacks and let them have the prisoners – a Twi'lek and some Jawas.

It was obvious that the chieftain didn't expect them to honour their promise so his surprise when they returned with the items was obvious. But he lived up to his end of the bargain, and let them move freely about the camp.

The Jawas were grateful to be able to leave and join their own kind. And the Twi'lek...

"Griff!"

Mission's happiness soon turned to disappointment as it became obvious that her brother hadn't changed, and that Lena had actually been telling the truth. He had left Mission behind on Taris on purpose.

Shin almost wanted to leave him to rot in the camp. Almost.

The journey back was subdued. No more attacks by Sand People to divert them, Mission's sad face was breaking Shin's heart. Even Bastila refrained from commenting.

o o o

"Speaking of family matters," Bastila said almost diffidently after they had reached the space port and seen Mission disappear into their ship.

"Earlier today, when you were in the shops... I met a woman who... Well, she told me my mother might be here."

Shin raised her eyebrow in question but the younger Jedi's obvious discomfort gentled her tone when she asked: "Do you want me to come with you?"

Bastila shot her a grateful look, then turned away as if ashamed. Hadn't she convinced Shin that she was beyond petty feelings of resentment towards her mother? And that the Jedi had no need of personal relationships, families, or love.

Shin noticed that Carth looked undecided, and took a step closer.

"Please... look after Mission a bit."

o o o

Carth stood looking after the two Jedi as they left the port in search of Bastila's mother, and wondered about the vulnerability the haughty Jedi had let show. Maybe she was learning to trust Shin, too, on a whole new level.

Then he turner around and followed Mission into the ship.

Bastila might have not appreciated him seeing her as emotional and vulnerable as she was but he wasn't sure he'd fare any better with Mission. He was afraid of putting his foot in his mouth again.

He was surprised to find Mission in the galley, in stead of hiding in his room. Unsurprisingly, though, she was fiddling with a pazaak deck.

"Wanna give me some pointers so that I can finally beat Shin?" he asked casually, sitting in front of her.

She looked up warily but apparently satisfied he wasn't showing any pity on his face let a small smile play on her lips.

"Sure."

She started dealing the cards, chattering on, and Carth was reminded of an old memory of Dustil teaching him to play his favourite game with the earnestness of a four-year-old. As he watched Mission relax more every minute he had to conclude he could, after all, still do something right.

o o o

It was Mission's bright voice that greeted the two Jedi when they returned from the cantina.

"You have to stop thinking like a soldier, Carth, and start thinking like a scoundrel."

'Scoundrel?' Bastila mouthed to Shin who grinned and shrugged.

She was closer to liking Bastila than ever. Her almost-asking for help had touched her greatly. And they way she had let Shin help her during the meeting with her mother.

Carth looked up when they entered the room, and – taking in the scene – Shin shot him a grateful smile. Mission was fine again. More than fine, she was glowing when she turned to face Shin. She thought it was because she'd won so much off Carth but she wasn't giving the girl enough credit.

"He's actually showing some progress!" Mission declared proudly.

They finished the current hand and after she'd collected her cards Mission got up and hugged the surprised Carth from behind.

"Thanks. I know what you were doing, and you helped me a lot."

The she danced away, heading towards the part of the ship with the workbench were Zaalbar was usually located.

Shin imitated her action, also bending to hug Carth, kissing his stubbly cheek.

o o o

"Thanks, dad," Shin whispered in Carth's ear, as if understanding what experience he had been drawing on to help Mission.

Then she, too, exited the room and Carth turned to look at Bastila.

"You okay?" He kept his voice gentle but still expected to be snubbed.

"Thank you, I... I feel better, having met her. My mother, I mean. Shin... really helped me. She is truly a good person," she said, as if as an afterthought.

Carth marvelled at her tone, not quite able to determine who she tried to convince, and why she sounded so surprised.

o o o o o o o o o o o

to be continued, sooner than last time, I promise:)


	16. Chapter 14

Chapter 13: Tatooine, Hunting

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The chieftain of the Sand People had done more than just released their prisoners to Shin – he'd gifted her with his staff which allowed Shin to convince the Czerka people that Shin had fulfilled her part of the bargain. He'd also given them pointers to where they could find the Star Map.

Not that it would be easy, naturally.

"Come on, guys, let's go hunting."

ooooo

Sand People Elite Warriors, check.

Krayt Dragon, check.

Calo Nord and his men, check.

If Shin had thought their earlier battles in the desert had been something... she had never been tested like this. They'd hardly had time to catch their breath after a huge battle when they were faced with an even bigger one.

And yet, in some weird way, Shin was enjoying herself. Fighting was easy. No need to lead, to make decisions beyond the immediate survival-related ones, no time to ponder on the nature of her skills or the limit of her endurance.

She enjoyed listening to HK's commentary, Mission's enthusiastic shouts – despite the worry she felt whenever she was forced to fight. But because of the Force she could always keep track of her companions, and direct her own strength in their defence when they needed a break or healing.

She also knew Bastila and Juhani were doing the same because she would occasionally feel a gust of healing energy surround herself, knowing she didn't do it herself.

And that damn-fool pilot seemed to be there by her side, drawing fire meant at her at every opportunity.

Carth had done more than just stood by her in the firefights. She had needed his presence when she looked at another Star Map. She would never have to worry about the Darkness calling for her when he was around.

Bastila had found the remains of her father inside the same cave they found the Star Map in. Maybe that would help her and her mother finally find peace. Maybe.

ooooo

They were slowly collecting themselves after the final battle with Calo Nord, looting the bodies for weapons and supplies, healing their wounds, catching their breaths.

"Come here," Shin said Carth, eying his injured side.

She closed her eyes, calling for the Force, yet again marveling at its willingness to come to her aid.

While healing during a fight was instinctive, she enjoyed these moments when she could put her full concentration in it. Especially with Carth. Healing Canderous was just an operation, means to an end. Healing Carth felt... almost holy.

Carth had also closed his eyes but opened them when she was done, sighing, and giving her a small smile.

"Thank you."

She could have spent hours just lost in his eyes. Unfortunately, they were startled by a grumbling HK.

"Here," she muttered, handing him a construction kit. "This might help you repair yourself."

ooooo

They started their way back to Anchorhead, and Shin took out the dragon pearl Komad had given her.

"That's worth a lot of credits," Mission remarked.

"Yes... It would feel wrong, somehow, to sell it. It is a trophy of a hunt, but... I still sort of understand why Komad didn't want to keep it. I... do. What do you think, Bastila, look at it... feel it. Do you think it would work in a lightsabre?"

"I... I think it might, the reflective qualities... Well, I don't know what it would *do* but it does seem appropriate."

"The strength of a dragon added to your own," Zaalbar was saying, "will give your power in combat no matter what."

"You're not going to do anything sissy and name the sabre 'Dragonslayer' or something?" Canderous was sneering.

Shin just grinned.

"It did not slay a dragon, did it? And calling it Calo Slayer just lacks poetry."

ooooo

Back at the spaceport they heard a shout.

"Carth! Carth Onasi!"

When they turned to look, a man about Carth's age was approaching them. Shin found herself grinning when the two got lost in reminiscing the past when suddenly the man's – she thought he was called Jordo – face turned serious.

And then Shin could only look as Carth's face turned from surprise to pleasure to shock to pain. His son was alive, Jordo had seen him.

In the Sith Academy on Korriban.

Jordo moved on, seemingly oblivious to the shock he just had caused to his old friend, and Carth turned his tortured eyes on Shin. "He's on Korriban."

And just like that the decision was made. "We'll go there next."

"Thank you," he whispered, closing his eyes.

Shin took his hand wordlessly and guided him to the ship.

---------


	17. Chapter 15

Sorry for the long silence, I've had a rough autumn. But I'll try to make up to it by offering at least three or four chapters before my vacation is over.

Notes: Angry teenagers are boring so I suppose I softened Dustil a lot. Consider this an AU in that respect;P

o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o

Chapter 15: Korriban, the Academy

o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o

"We must not lose sight of our original mission!" Bastila argued.

Despite the seriousness of the situation Shin couldn't help but share a glance with their 'original Mission' before turning to the other Jedi.

"We'll have to go to Korriban sooner or later," she reminded her. "We'll just go sooner. The reasons don't really matter in the end."

She didn't feel like staying and debating the issue with Bastila so she just left, and headed to the cockpit.

"How are you holding up?" she asked, resting a hand on Carth's shoulder.

"I'm... I'm good," he said.

Not really believing him but not knowing what to say Shin just sat down on the co-pilot's chair and watched the space ahead.

ooooo

The trip to Korriban was uneventful. Carth was silent, Bastila forgot to sulk, and Shin went on as she used to. Training, talking, playing pazaak, and spending hour after hour with Carth in the cockpit, neither one saying a word.

They landed, and debated their next move.

"Bastila, seeing that your face is on all of those Sith Wanted posters, I don't think you can come along."

"Fine. But I don't want you going there alone either. This is a place of the Dark side, if you don't have me supporting you..."

"I'm not going alone. But I don't think I want to take Juhani with me, either."

"No, I don't think you should. She is strongly on the Light side now, but still..."

"Still. I don't think I can have a large entourage either, not if I'm going to pose as a hopeful trying to get into the Academy."

In the end she took HK and Carth. One for her physical health and the other for mental. Bastila didn't complain.

oooooo

It was... rough, being on a Sith planet. The Sith hopefuls were usually pathetic, the accepted beyond contempt, and the fact that there were uninterested 'civilians' – including all the merchants – was just disturbing. How could they watch all this and not be affected?

Apparently Ebon Hawk was well known in the port, and learning about its history in smuggling was fascinating. About the only bright side of their stay, Shin thought.

Asking around they discovered that getting accepted into the Academy was not only the only way to find Dustil but to actually succeed in their primary mission of finding the Star Map as well, because only the members of the Academy were allowed to the archaeological sites on the surface of the planet.

"I suppose we go meet that Yuthura Ban and try to talk our way into the Academy first," Shin said after they had collected enough info on how things worked around there.

oooooo

"Who are they?" the Twi'lek woman asked Shin after she had introduced herself.

"My assassin droid and a slave. Love slave," she added, just to hear Carth's choked sounds.

She fought down the urge to see what shade his face was.

"Mmmm... Well, whatever you paid for him, I'm sure he's worth it."

Shin turned her laughter into a cough before reminding the woman why she was there.

oooooo

"Well, it wouldn't be that easy," Shin muttered after having been unsuccessful in trying to convince Yuthura Ban to let her into the Academy.

"Love slave," Carth muttered in return when they walked out of the cantina.

Shin shot him a grin. "Worth everything you paid for him!"

"Come on, that was a compliment," she reminded him when he just made a face.

"Yeah I bet. But how are you going to get into the Academy, now?"

"Well, I don't really want to rough up anyone to be accepted in. I suppose I could steal someone's medallion... hey! Leave that woman alone!"

"Or what?" sneered the Sith, not pausing in his attack on the woman, and was answered by HK's blaster rifle, two purple lightsabres, and a double shot from two very modified blaster pistols.

"...like his, for example," Shin went on as if they hadn't been interrupted, and went to rifle through the corpse's pockets.

ooooooo

"Well, we're in," Carth said, once Master Uthar Wynn had walked away after his welcoming words.

"I could get used to you calling me 'master'," Shin said dreamily.

"Yeah, well, don't."

She turned serious. "Come on, let's go find your son."

oooooooo

Going through the Academy was tough for the both humans. Torture, pain... and surprisingly normal, polite, smart people. Why were they a part of this?

They searched through every corridor, every room, and even managed to break into the Master's study when a corridor stayed conveniently empty. There they found something shocking. Namely, a datapad that mentioned Dustil.

"Great potential," Carth whispered.

"And they killed a girl to prevent nothing getting in its way," Shin read on.

ooooooo

They had known all could not be well for him to have joined the Sith but still the amount of rage and bitterness Dustil radiated came as a shock.

He wasn't what Shin had expected in any way. A handsome young man, true, but looking little like his father. He was darker than his father, in all the meanings of the word.

Shin rested her hand on Carth's back, hidden from Dustil's view, in a show of silent support. HK was standing guard as there were no doors and they needed no witnesses to the exchange.

Together Carth and Shin managed to make the young man listen, to be open enough to really _listen_ to them – and then they had to break his heart by showing him the datapad, the proof that the Sith did not care about him as a person, only as a tool, and that they thought nothing of killing his friend – beloved? – to make sure he remained useful for them.

All fight went out of the young man and he sat down on the bed. After a second's hesitation Carth sat next to him, and, as if remembering an old habit, Dustil let his head rest against his father, whose mere appearance had made him spit fire and brimstone just minutes earlier. For the first time Shin realised how young he really was.

Carth ruffled his hair.

"I'm sorry, son."

"No, I'm sorry... dad."

Shin prepared to leave them for this very private scene but Carth chose that moment to raise his eyes to meet hers with a misty look of gratitude.

It was that moment, looking at Carth the Father, that Shin realised she loved him. That was why she shared his pain and joy so strongly. That was why her heart felt like bursting, looking at the family scene she was not really part of, but his gaze made her so.

After a moment, while Shin was still trying to get over her revelation, Dustil gathered his wits and sat up straighter. He did not completely break the contact with his father, though.

"What brings you here, anyway?"

"Uhh... you?" Carth said, smiling.

"Yeah, _you_ maybe, but with a Jedi delegation?"

"All right, we're... umm..." he looked at Shin for guidance, obviously not sure how much to say.

"We're on a mission," Shin started, sharing the 'no-pun-intended' -smile with Carth, "from the Jedi Council that might help end the war. We need to get to the ruins on the surface, and joining the Academy was the only way to manage that."

"So... you're a student, I get that. But how did you get the others in?"

Shin laughed at Carth's pained look.

"What?"

"Well, I told them I'd take with me my assassination droid and..."

"...a love slave," Carth finished, hiding his face in his hands, and slumping down on the bed so that he was lying on his back, feet still on the floor.

"What?" Dustil seemed to have a hard time deciding whether to be shocked or amused.

Shin wondered at the quick transformation from the bitter creature they'd first encountered. His face lit up when he smiled, and for the first time she saw the family resemblance. It wouldn't always be this easy, she knew. He and his father would still need to work through many issues, but for now they could laugh, and share this moment. Maybe it would be enough.

She grinned, and couldn't help adding, "I'll have you know that Yuthura thought he was worth every credit I'd paid for him."

-------------------------------------------


	18. Chapter 16

Chapter 16: Korriban, Relationships

o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o

Dustil left to fulfil his duties. Carth was still lying on the bed, thinking by the look of it, and not pleasant things either.

Shin ordered HK to stand guard a bit further away, now. Carth seemed to need some privacy, maybe to come to terms with the young man that had taken the place of the little boy he remembered.

Now she just needed to find out if he needed privacy from her as well. She lay down on the bed next to him, not quite touching.

"Thank you," he whispered, turning his head to look at her. "I... I wouldn't have gotten through to him without you."

"He looks like you when he smiles," she said, and could see the traces of pride in his eyes.

He raised his hand to run his fingers down the side of her face. "Thank you for giving me back my son."

The tenderness in his eyes was too much for Shin who had so recently realised the depth (nature?) of her feelings for him. This time it was she who initiated the kiss, and he returned it with no hesitation.

It turned from tender to passionate quite quickly. The need to get closer took priority, and he wrapped his arms around her and pulled her on top of him. Shin moaned in his mouth, enjoying the feeling if his hard muscles against her body after so long.

A very tiny part of her still remembered where they were and why they really shouldn't be doing this but she paid no heed. It was too good, she had missed it for so long, and she loved him. And HK was standing guard. If she could offer Carth this one moment of solace...

"Hey, I thought about... Whoa!"

They broke apart guiltily.

"I'll... come back later," Dustil muttered, averting his gaze.

"No, I..." Shin got up, straightened her clothes, then looked at Carth who was doing the same.

Was that regret on his face? Because of what they had almost done? Or because they were interrupted? _Please, don't let him think it's a mistake_, she pleaded from the Universe silently. Then she moved to rest her palm against his cheek and met his gaze briefly.

"You talk. I'll go... you know, do my thing." Her words were to the point but with her eyes she tried to convey to Carth the fact that she did _not_ regret it, and wouldn't be adverse to it happening again.

She was rewarded with his hand briefly covering hers, and a warm smile that reached his eyes.

"Take HK," was the only thing he said but with a tone that made it non-negotiable.

.,.,.,.,.,.,.,.,.,

"So... a love slave?" Dustil grinned. He toned it down when seeing his dad's expression. "It's okay. Mom's been gone for years. I'm glad you've... found someone."

"It's not quite as simple at that."

"No, I get it. A Jedi..."

"Even more complicated than that. She... she wasn't a Jedi when I met her."

"Huh?"

"Long story. The thing is, she has this huge destiny in front of her – and I'm just a guy, you know."

"You love her," his son diagnosed.

Carth just looked at him, this stranger that was his son, with a pair of brown eyes now friendly and intelligent instead of angry. He thought about what he felt when he looked at him, what he felt when he thought about his wife... and what he felt when he thought about Shin.

"Dammit... I think I do," he whispered, letting his head drop in his hands once again.

.,.,.,.,.,.,.,.

Carth had time to compose himself before Shin returned. They had talked about things with Dustil, making plans...

"Hi!"

"Hey," he said, unable (and unwilling) to stop the smile that wanted to appear every time he saw her.

"How did it go?" they asked simultaneously, then laughed, and Shin threw herself down on the bed he was sitting on and let out a deep sigh.

"I hate this place. I'm so happy Juhani isn't here. She might find it tough..."

"Don't you?" It was a bold question but so many of the Jedi had already fallen – hey, the Republic war heroes themselves had fallen – that he couldn't help but worry.

"I've got you," she said simply. "Your belief in what is right is so uncomplicated, so strong, it helps to ground me."

Carth felt like his mouth was hanging open but (checking) realised it was only an illusion. "I... I'm glad I can be some help..."

"You are, more than you ever realise. So, if you ever doubt your place in our little expedition..."

They got lost in each other's eyes for a bit, again, before Shin looked away and was all business.

"Yuthura is planning on taking down the Master with my help."

"She what?"

"Left me no choice but to follow her plan. She's helping me to reach my goal to be accepted to the final test so that we can then take him down. And, as it happens, I'm afraid participating in the final test is the only way to get to the one tomb that seems to have the Star Map.

"So... we need to go hunt for prestige, then."

"Yep. A little expedition into the tombs of the Sith Lords."

"As Bastila would say: 'Oh Joy'."

-------to be continued as soon as I find my notes------


	19. Chapter 17

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Chapter 17: Korriban, Prestige

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_Dammit, Shin! He's a Sith! You've seen how he's behaved, why do you have to set yourself up for torture in his stead!_ Carth wanted to yell the words out loud as he was forced to watch helplessly as the crazy old Sith attacked Shin for every 'wrong' answer she gave in his demented quiz.

But of course Shin had to do that, she wouldn't spout Sith lies even to save her skin – especially if it meant another living being would suffer. And this time, too, her gamble paid off. Not only did the other student, Mekel, help them defeat the crazy old man. He also stopped to think about the path he had chosen, and with Shin's encouragement decided to leave the Academy, maybe even to join the Jedi.

That was, what, second student Shin had cost the Academy? How was Carth supposed to yell at her now?

"I know what you're thinking, Carth," she said as they turned to exit the tomb of Tulak Hord. "But if I'd done that any other way I would have been no better than the Sith."

"I know! I know. I just... It tears me apart, seeing you in pain."

"I'm fine. I promise. I can't say I enjoyed the torture – damn those Force lightnings seemed to burn every nerve ending! – but I'd never, ever, cause pain like that to another human being. Not even a Sith."

- - -

After the heaviness of their previous experience, Marko Ragnos' tomb felt like comic relief. After helping the rogue assassin droid by disabling its assassin functions Shin and Carth sat on the floor of the tomb, laughing, repeating over and over the discussion between HK and the other droid, especially HK's shock over the fact the assassin droid didn't want to kill anyone, and his sincere offer to help him overcome this terrible state!

In the end they calmed down, Shin apologised to HK, Carth rolled his eyes, and they moved towards the last open tomb they could access. Ajunta Pall's tomb, too, had it's surprises.

Namely, Ajunta Pall.

The blue shimmering visage of the Force ghost came as a shock to Shin who had never seen the like. Almost like a hologram but more... vibrant. Shimmering with Force despite the fact that the old Sith Lord seemed almost pathetic as a ghost, like he was lost, stuck in place only because of his rage.

After fulfilling the ghost's "quest" and discovering his sword Shin talked to the spirit. She didn't really sense Darkness here, not from him.

Still she was surprised when she actually managed to talk the Dark Lord into accepting forgiveness, accepting Light, and leaving the tomb he had haunted. It made her feel good, made her momentarily share the peace she had given him.

How did anyone fall to the Dark side when the Light felt like this?

Or was it pure arrogance on her part?

But surely Carth wouldn't look at her with that admiration in his eyes if she was not doing something good?

"If I hadn't seen that myself, I wouldn't believe it. You just turned a _Sith Lord_! ...what's the word I should use? Redeemed? Make him fall to the Light side?" His voice was lightly teasing, despite the admiration.

It wasn't until much later that Shin thought to wonder about of the fact that _Carth_ had also seen the _Force_ ghost. She didn't know if that was supposed to be possible for non-Force sensitives. She'd have to look into that, maybe ask Bastila... After all, Dustil was strong in the Force. And it was supposed to be hereditary.

Something worth thinking about later, that's for sure. Shin was aware she was forming that queue again, "things to think about when you have a moment." But at least that was better than getting distracted by things in the middle of a fight, for example.

For a second she allowed herself to picture Carth in the full robes of a Jedi Knight, holding a lightsabre, and the image took her breath away. Then again, it was hard to imagine the pilot without his orange jacket – and even harder to imagine a Jedi _with_ the jacket, so maybe things were better off as they were.

- - -

They turned back towards the Academy. She needed to see Master Uthar and show him all the things she had found, in hopes it would gain her enough prestige to be selected. She also wanted to contact Ebon Hawk to reassure the others that they were still alive and well.

On the way they noticed a cave they had missed earlier in their rush to reach the Valley of the Dark Lords. She didn't understand how she could have – it reeked of Force, darkness, fear, and sadness.

Well, most of the planet did, so maye it wasn't so surprising, after all.

"You want to go in there? I don't know, Shin, I have a bad feeling about this."

"Me too. That's why we have to go there."

"I've been around you too long, that almost makes sense in your world."

- - -

- - - - - - - - - - Short one today, sorry, but the next one is almost ready;)


	20. Chapter 18

Chapter 18: On the Nature of Love pt.1

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_Peace is a lie, there is only passion._

_Through passion, I gain strength._

_Through strength, I gain power._

_Through power, I gain victory._

_Through victory, my chains are broken._

_The Force shall free me._

—_The Sith Code_

The cave was infested by shyracks but they were not the reason Shin had felt apprehensive. The humanoid remains they encountered from time to time couldn't explain the tingly feeling in her skull, either.

They got a hint of the true source of their discomfort when they stumbled into a group of students from the Academy, willing to fight them for their freedom. They wanted to leave but there was a monster blocking the way out. A monster they couldn't beat.

The creature was straight from nightmares, big, dark, and strong – it seemed to resist all the Force attacks Shin tried, and she really didn't want to get close enough to use her sabres. She _had _been working on throwing her saber but wasn't confident enough to use that skill yet.

Maybe she'd just have to leave this one for Carth and HK, or… Suddenly the creature was storming towards her, and then there was just painpainpain…

- - -

Carth felt more than saw Shin fall, and even before she had touched the ground had rushed to shield her from the beast's attack.

_Not dead, not dead, she can't be dead_… He chanted in his head while all his concentration was on trying to find a weak spot in the creature's hide.

Finally it fell down, and HK went to make sure it was dead while Carth crouched down to check up on Shin.

She was blinking her way back to consciousness. Carth allowed himself a relieved smile.

"Where are you hurt?" he asked, stopping Shin from sitting up.

"I fainted!" she said, unbelieving.

"Of fright?" he asked, with forced humour, running his fingers on her scalp, looking for injuries.

"No… well, not my own."

"What?" How bad had she hurt herself?

- - -

Shin saw Carth's incredulous expression and tried to explain.

"I think… that was a terentatek," she said.

"A what?" Carth was frowning, but at least he helped her to sit up.

"Oh, you weren't there… Back at the Jedi Enclave, a Twi'lek Jedi told me about these beasts… they are creatures of the dark side, Force resistant, preying on the Jedi. Some believe they were created to kill Jedi. And somehow, when it attacked… I could sense all the Jedi it had killed, all those lives, the terror, pain…" She tried to get up, sensing something in the Force signature of the cave.

"Whoa, stay down, sister. You're still shaky."

She shook his well-meaning concern off with his hand and looked around her.

"There's something here…"

She walked a short distance to reach behind some rubble. She knew she'd find the remains of a Jedi there.

The robes she found there looked untouched by age, and under them she found a datapad. This, too, seemed undamaged and she accessed some files. It was a personal journal of someone called Duron Qel-Droma.

"The Twi'lek told me about the Great Hunt, the Jedi effort to rid the universe of the terentatek. After it ended, three Jedi were sent to finish the job. I think Duron here was one of them."

She sat down to read the datapad, and Carth sat down next to her. HK was fighting some shyracks down the next corridor, and they could hear his occasional interjections.

What Shin didn't tell Carth was that Duron's journal revealed he had fallen in love with a fellow Jedi, Shaela Nuur, and that their third companion, Guun Han Saresh, had been convinced it was leading them to the dark side. 'The Jedi and love' was not something she wanted to get into with Carth, not now.

She could remember her discussion on the subject with Bastila, weeks ago, on Tatooine, after they had met with her mother.

Emotional entanglements can be dangerous. They can impair rational thought, they can lead to outbursts of uncontrolled emotion. A Jedi must be above such things.

_A Jedi must do what is needed, personal desires notwithstanding. Love can only obscure and confuse the matter._

_Even a Jedi cannot always control the feelings of the heart. We must do our best to guard against it, no matter what the cost. But some sacrifices are harder than others._

Was she willing to let go of what she felt for Carth to be a better Jedi? Could she, even? Was this the way she could fall?

She had learned the Jedi Code by heart as part of her training, and at the Academy had encountered its twisted cousin, the Sith Code. _Peace is a lie, there is only passion._

No room for love in their rules, either.

Carth's words for Dustil echoed in her head, too. _The Sith war to conquer, to rule the helpless. I went to war for __**you**__. For your freedom, your future_.

She wanted to stop Malak, to end the Sith threat, for Carth. For Mission. For all her friends. For Doctor Zelka on Taris, for Rahasia and Shen on Dantooine, for the Jawas she'd encountered on Tatooine. Not because it was 'good' or 'right' but because of the individuals she had met, the people she had come to love.

Was that wrong, then? Dangerous? It didn't actually follow what the Jedi had been trying to teach her, but it didn't sound like the Sith teachings, either. What was she? Was she in danger of falling, just because she thought she was something different from the rest?

Her hand fell to rest on one of her purple sabers. _So very like you, padawan, to choose your own path..._ Was this what Master Vandar had seen? Or was this the beginning of the fall Master Vrook seemed to expect from her?

And if it was, why didn't it feel like darkness? Anger, passion, aggression, fear – those were the emotions she connected to the dark side. Because of Juhani, because of the Academy, because of the atmosphere in her visions... She couldn't see how her emotions could turn into that, but recognised that the thought itself was dangerous.

She would have to be on guard against those feelings.

But she wasn't ready to let go of the love, either.

- - -

Shin didn't even need to tell Master Uthar about all the things she had done before he declared she had impressed him enough to be chosen for the final test which would take place in the tomb of Naga Sadow – where the Star Map was bound to be.

"Go prepare," the Sith Master instructed her, and she knew Bastila would encourage her to meditate but was equally sure she couldn't concentrate among all the darkness.

So she went with what she knew would work.

They took over to room farthest from everything, and Shin took off her boots and belt before lying down on the bed.

"Carth," she said quietly. "Would you... hold me, please?"

She could hear him taking his jacket and boots off as well, and then he was lying down behind her, moving just close enough to touch, resting his hand lightly on her hip – careful not to cross the line to greater intimacy.

Shin covered his hand with her own and pressed them against her chest, pulling him closer until his taller frame was molded to her body. Now she could relax. Now she could reach her calm centre. _There is no passion; there is serenity. _Yes, she could feel the stirring of desire inside her but the closeness, the warmth, the _peace_ was so much more important she could easily ignore it.

She could feel Carth relax into sleep as well, so she supposed she was wasn't alone in her comfort.

She had missed sleeping next to him.

- - -

It wasn't even awkward to wake up, fully clothed, in his arms. All Shin could feel was peace, and she hoped her eyes conveyed the message when she thanked him quietly.

They didn't say anything else, didn't exchange any platitudes or utter any promises. She would come back. There was no other option.

_There is no emotion; there is peace._

_There is no ignorance; there is knowledge._

_There is no passion; there is serenity._

_There is no chaos; there is harmony._

_There is no death; there is the Force._

— _The Jedi Code_


	21. Chapter 19

Notes: I take some liberties with the dialogue and story lines... even some characters. This is called 'creative licence' aka 'so I didn't remember the exact wording of that line' aka 'but it made no SENSE in the game'.

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Chapter 19: On the Nature of Love pt. 2

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Terentatek. _Two_ terentatek. Figures.

But she was prepared for their unique effect on the Force now, and the onslaught on her senses wasn't that bad.

Uthar and Yuthura had left her at the door, telling her she was to retrieve a lightsaber from the tomb. Peace of cake? Hardly. She had fought hulak wraids – the kind they'd seen on Tatooine – and solved weird puzzles to get forward. She had found a blade in a statue, and because of its Force signature she suspected that it was poisoned.

And now she was facing two of the creatures that she would have been happy to never see and feel again in her life. With no Carth and HK to save her ass this time.

She ran back to the door, the narrow passage meant only one creature could reach her at a time.

She traded one of her sabers to the poisoned blade, to test her theory. It seemed to work, not that being poisoned slowed the monster considerably.

Soon she was too drained to even heal herself, and it felt that for an eternity now she'd been alternating between getting a hit through and injecting some emergency kolto into her system. Double strike, dodge, step back, kolto, strike one-two, step back, kolto, double strike…

It took her a while to realise the beasts were down. The fight was over. She'd made it! The instant she knew she was safe for the moment her legs gave out and she slumped down on the floor in a very unJedi-like fashion. She couldn't stop shaking and all she could do was to wait for her strength to return, staring at the dead terentatek.

Slowly she opened her perception to the Force, now that the darkness of the creatures wasn't attacking her senses.

The chamber was filled with strong emotions – fear, anger, pain… Many Sith had died here, and… a Jedi?

She couldn't say how long she'd been in there, first fighting, then recovering, but she didn't want to hurry. After all, it wasn't over yet. She'd still have to face the Sith Master and his apprentice, and she had no illusions that she could walk out of there without a fight. And before that, whatever the tomb still had in store for her.

She sat for a while longer, calling on the Force to heal her until she got up and searched through all the remains in the room – she could really use some extra medpacks…

Finally she reached the corner where the Force sang loudest.

She was not really surprised when she discovered the remains of Shaela Nuur there. She had also kept a journal. Shin didn't really need to read the datapad, Shaela's final feelings were still echoing around the chamber.

Her lover's death had driven the woman over the edge. Her sadness and pain at his death had led her to anger, and the anger to the final wish to avenge his death.

Had she really expected to live through it?

Shin closed her eyes and rode the waves of pain and rage in the air. Could that happen to her? She had thought she could use her love to her advantage – Carth was her meditation. But what if he was to die? Did it make a difference that they were not together, that he didn't love her?

Would the grief drive her mad? Even without the darkness, the selfishness of Shaela's actions was unsuitable for a Jedi. She had longed for death. Revenge, yes, but she must have known she couldn't survive it. She shouldn't have wasted her life; she should have gone on fighting for the light.

Yet a part of Shin couldn't blame her.

She spent a moment, trying to communicate with the spirit of the dead woman. "I got the beasts for you. For both of you," she whispered. "I hope you can rest in peace, now."

She left the room without a backwards glance.

- - -

There was no way she would use the red lightsaber she had been sent to find. It vibrated with the dark side and she felt uncomfortable just carrying it.

That is why she had been so happy to get rid of Ajunta Pall's blade earlier even though Carth had questioned the wisdom of giving it to Master Uthar. She hadn't wanted it close and had known she'd never use it. And who else was there? Juhani? She shuddered just thinking about it.

The Star Map was in the same room. She was again lost in how beautiful the thing was. It would have been easy to stay and stare at it for hours. She couldn't, of course, and made her copy, then turned back.

Now there was only the two Sith to confront. She wanted to tell them both to piss off but knew she couldn't take them both at the same time, not after the fight with the terentatek. So she sided with Yuthura to defeat her old master.

It wasn't an easy fight, but they won. Uthar Wynn refused to yield, so the battle ended with him dead.

It didn't surprise Shin that Yuthura then turned on her. Treachery from a Sith, who could have seen than coming, huh?

She had been holding back during the fight against the headmaster, relying on Yuthura's help. Now she unleashed her full powers against her, trying to guard against frustration and other negative emotions, trying not to get frustrated and command the Force – instead she called it to her aid, like she had been instructed to.

And somehow, every time she was in a difficult match, she seemed to find more strength from somewhere, more permutations of the way Force could come to her aid. There seemed to be no limit to what she could do when pressed.

It didn't take long to drive Yuthura to her knees, waiting for the final blow. But instead of delivering it Shin lowered her weapons and talked to the woman. Yuthura had told her some of her past – a slave who became a Jedi who became a Sith. She now asked the questions she had wanted to, earlier, but couldn't because she still needed her help.

"If you only joined the Sith to help the slaves, and now you are waiting to get rid of your feelings… Why would you still want to help when you are done?"

They talked for what felt like hours but the mercy Shin had shown had forced the Twi'lek to listen, to believe, to open up to new – old – possibilities. In the end she had agreed to go back to the Jedi, to try that path again. She did not like the person she had been turning into, plotting against her master, heading the Academy… Maybe she could finally find peace with the Jedi.

- - -

The Academy in chaos without its leaders, and Shin wasn't overtly surprised that she had to fight her way through students to get to where she had left her companions. She tried to avoid killing anyone but needed to move fast, knowing her strength was fading fast.

She followed the sounds of blasters to one of the main halls where she discovered Carth and HK.

"You okay?" Carth yelled over the sounds of the battle.

"Fine! Got the Star Map, killed some terentatek, killed the Master. The usual."

She didn't hear his response but the grin he threw at her spoke loudly enough.

They fought their way towards the entrance, the through the doors, then… nothing. No one was pursuing them beyond the walls of the Academy.

"Okay, that was… weird," Shin said, lowering her sabers.

"Well, let's not question our luck," Carth said, turning to look at her.

"Take me out of here," she whispered, powering down her weapons.

"Can you walk?" Carth asked, reaching for her shivering form.

"Yeah, gimme a sec."

- - -

She did walk on her own but was leaning heavily on Carth by the time they reached the Hawk. She had healed most of her injuries but that hadn't helped with the exhaustion.

"Shin!" Mission yelled when she saw them.

Seemed like all of the rest were talking at the same time and Shin let Carth do the talking. All she wanted to do was to crash and sleep for days.

"Set a course for Kashyyyk," she instructed Carth, ignoring the others. Then thought and clarified, "No, let someone else do that. Take me to bed."

She didn't care what that sounded like, and not even Canderous seemed to think anything about it when Carth picked her up and carried her to her bed.

The fact that she was practically snoring even before they reached her cabin might have had something to do with that.

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	22. Chapter 20

Notes: I take some liberties with the dialogue and story lines... even some characters. This is called 'creative licence' aka 'so I didn't remember the exact wording of that line' aka 'but it made no SENSE in the game'.

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Chapter 20: On the Way to Kashyyyk

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Of course Canderous's silence had been temporary.

He was the first person Shin saw when she emerged from her cabin 15 hours later. It had been disappointing to wake up alone but she hadn't really expected anything else. It felt weird to be missing Korriban, though.

"'Take me to bed'?" the Mandalorian repeated, smiling. "Just what _were_ you and the Republic up to out there?"

His grin was lecherous but… was that a spark of jealousy in his eyes? That was one complication she did not need.

She attempted to silence him with a cold stare, and was surprised when it actually worked. Now she just needed to make sure HK didn't tell tales out of school... She didn't want to consider the lectures she'd get from Bastila if she ever found out what they'd been 'up to' out there.

- - -

"How are you?" Bastila actually sounded concerned, and Shin could feel her probing through the bond.

"Better, now. Did Carth tell you…?"

"Only the basics. You found his son and he wasn't evil; you killed the Master of the Academy; you found the Star Map…"

"Yeah, that's about it."

"And you remained honest and generous and good throughout the trial. How do you do it? It seems so easy to you…"

"I just do what feels right," Shin answered. _And when in doubt, I think about what Carth would do_, she added in her head.

"It really is that easy to you?"

Shin shrugged, not willing to share her doubts. When you believed in being nice to people, it seemed easy to choose 'the right way', but her motivations would probably shock the younger Jedi.

- - -

Shin did her usual round through Ebon Hawk, talking with everyone. Zaalbar was still reticent even though they were on their way to his home planet, and Shin left him alone. Mission, however, was bubbling with excitement in his stead, talking about how great it would be for the Wookiee to see his home after so long.

Shin wasn't sure how to handle Canderous after her earlier revelation but in the end decided to act as if she'd seen nothing. This meant stopping to listen his war stories for a bit. He had almost reached the end of the Mandalorian wars by now. His clear admiration of Revan was in direct contrast to everyone else's view of the fallen hero. She didn't know what to make of it.

Juhani, also, had her Revan-story. She told about the time she had been held as a captive, to be sold as a slave, and how a group of Jedi had saved her. A group led by Revan. She talked about how magnificent she and the others had been, and how that had made her want to be a Jedi as well.

"So not everything she left behind was bad," Shin said quietly, smiling at the Cathar. "You will be a great Jedi one day."

- - -

Her round ended in the cockpit, as always. Carth greeted her with a smile, which had also become custom.

They sat in silence at first, both merely looking at the space ahead. Then Carth cleared his throat.

"I've been… thinking."

He shot a look at Shin to stop the obvious comment, and she raised her hands in laughing denial of ever meaning to say anything cheeky.

"After finding Dustil, seeing that he's okay… It's like half of my reason to hate Saul has been taken away. I still want him dead, I still want to be the one to kill him, but… It doesn't seem like such a be-all and end-all as it used to be."

"What do you mean?"

"I never thought I'd live through it myself," he admitted quietly.

Shin was reminded of her thoughts in the tomb of Naga Sadow about the fallen Jedi, and felt a chill go through her body. No!

"What do you mean?" she asked, in near whisper.

"You have to understand that whenever I envisioned taking on Saul in the past, it was always as the captain of my own ship… or alone. In those cases I could risk everything to get Saul."

He shot a look at Shin before continuing.

"I'm not in the same situation, now. I wouldn't risk hurting you… or the others."

"I hope so," she whispered, unwilling to think that Carth would choose death over… over what, her? Or their mission?

"You don't think I would throw away everything we're doing here, do you?"

"I don't know… You've been living for the revenge so long. What wouldn't you stop at to finally kill Saul?"

"I would like to think that I wouldn't put you in danger," he replied solemnly, and Shin took it to mean her personally before he went on. "That I wouldn't forget that there's more behind Saul that needs to be stopped."

Right, Malak. Shin shook herself. It seemed she was the one in danger of losing her sight of the mission when emotional subjects were addressed. Could i_she_/i put the mission over Carth? Was she really safe from the path Shaela Nuur had walked, what Carth had almost done until this mission had given him something beyond simple revenge to do?

But Carth wasn't done yet.

"If I saw Saul, however… if I had the chance… I don't know what I would do, I really don't. I mean, his death has been my entire focus for so long…"

- - -

Carth kept his eyes on the stars ahead and not on the woman on the co-pilot's chair. Korriban had changed so many things. Dustil. His realisation of his feelings towards Shin… Was he clinging to the promise of revenge because it felt like the last thing he could do for his wife, and letting it go would feel like betrayal? Or was it habit?

He didn't want to end his life taking down Saul, he knew that much. And not just because of Shin, either, or even Dustil. It had more to do with discovering he could still do something worthwhile to protect the Republic, he supposed.

He was so lost in his own thoughts he almost missed Shin's whispered words.

"I need your help, Carth."

"I know. I'll see this through, I promise you that. No matter what."

And what about afterwards? What hope could he have of a future with Shin now that she was a Jedi? Off-limits, remember, flyboy? The kiss…es on Korriban had merely been an aberration. That could never happen again, he knew it. So what was he looking forward to?

Shin seemed to be echoing his thoughts when she asked: "And afterwards?"

"Well… let's wait until I know that I'm around to see it."

He wouldn't – couldn't – think about what came after they had defeated Malak. Failure wasn't an option. But he couldn't think about success, either. For now they were here, together, and there seemed to be an endless supply of adventures ahead them. But what about afterwards? If they survived… He would go to Telos to meet his son, and Shin… Shin would go back to the Jedi.

Was that enough to be looking forward to in life?

He didn't know. But since he didn't know what he could do about it, he decided to let it go for now, and enjoy the silent companionship of the woman he had learned to trust.

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My mad updating spree might be nearing its end… Kashyyyk is not inspiring me at the moment, and I really should finish some other fics. But I'll try… I would say I still have five chapters left until I reach the end of the game (not the end of the story, by the way) but I think that may end up being something like ten – or fifteen. After all, _this_ chapter was meant to take them to Kashyyyk already; I had no idea they would _talk_ another chapter's worth!


	23. Chapter 21

Sorry for the long wait. I hope someone still cares:) (Thanks for everyone who's favourited or commented on the story – it means a lot. And reminds me that I really really need to update!) I've had to deal with some intensely stressful RL issues lately, and have been distracting myself from those with shiny new fandoms but I've never forgotten NotOR. After all, most of the story is ready, it just needs typing.

This chapter uses quite a lot of dialogue from the game but I hope you feel there's a good reason for it:) I also concentrate more on the relationship stuff than the action, as I have done in the previous chapters. I trust anyone who minds has stopped reading ages ago;)

Besides, it's Valentine's Day, so a little fluff is in order, huh? Then again, this is more friendship than romance stuff.

Notes: I take some liberties with the dialogue and story lines... even some characters. This is called 'creative licence' aka 'so I didn't remember the exact wording of that line' aka 'but it made no SENSE in the game'.

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Chapter 21: Kashyyyk

* * *

Zaalbar had not been idle during the voyage to Kashyyyk. He had spent his time adjusting Calo Nord's armour to Shin's smaller frame. It was better than the one she'd been using so she was more than happy to wear it when they landed on the Wookiee planet.

She'd have thought Zaalbar would have been happier seeing his home planet but he seemed almost reluctant to join the small team Shin took with her.

Leave it to the taciturn Wookiee to reveal the reason behind his silence at the last possible moment – literally.

As if seeing the planet in the hands of Czerka slavers wasn't bad enough. To find out Zaalbar's brother was aiding them... and that he had caused Zaalbar to be banished from his home forever... She knew they'd have to do something about the situation even before Chuundar captured his brother and demanded co-operation from Shin for his release.

She sighed silently as she and Carth and HK-47 made their way towards the "Shadowlands" - the ground beneath the high trees that housed the Wookiee villages.

Of course it wouldn't be as simple as finding the next Star Map, oh no. Now it seemed they had to save Zaalbar, do something about the slavery, and kick Czerka off the planet. Sure, what more?

Dark Jedi sent to bring them to Malak? Piece of cake. Malak's apprentice himself? No problem.

Wookiee ceremonial beast that turns out to be a terentatek? Naturally. Invisible Mandalorians? Bring it on.

Not to forget the crazy old is-he-or-isn't-he-Jedi they met in the Shadowlands and who wanted to join them on their quest since he had nothing better to do.

Nothing fazed Shin any more.

That didn't mean the fight against Darth Bandon hadn't been one of the toughest they'd ever faced, or that she'd enjoyed meeting another terentatek. Still, it was old and weak, and much easier to defeat than the two on Korriban she'd had to face alone.

They also found the remains of the third Jedi sent to hunt the beasts. Guun Han Saresh had grown arrogant in his hunt and it had proven to be his downfall. But he was not the Jedi Shin was thinking about afterwards. It was like every terentatek she killed was an offering to Shaela Nuur to whom she felt such kinship over her doomed love.

Still, there was no time for sentiment. They found the fabled ceremonial blade of the Wookiee Bacca and with that they could work with Zaalbar and Chuundar's father, Freyyr, to try to take control back in the village peacefully.

No such luck.

But before that there was their actual target on the planet, the Star Map. The ex-Jedi (?) Jolee Bindo showed them the way to the weird computer that the map was hooked to but it refused to allow them access. (As it apparently had denied Jolee Bindo 152 times. At least he was patient, then. Or stubborn.)

The computer released battle droids for them to fight and Shin was impressed at how useful the old man was in a fight against them despite his crazy ramblings. So maybe he was a Jedi, after all...

After the fight something weird happened. The computer claimed to recognise Shin.

"What?" She and Carth looked at each other, then shrugged. Not the first weird thing they'd encountered during their quest, and if it meant they were able to access the map, even better.

They copied down the info, and realised they almost had a full map by now.

"Maybe one more, and we'll have it," Shin concluded, going through the info.

- - -

They collected Freyyr and made their way back up to the village to confront Chuundar after convincing the old chieftain there was no need for violence, that they could solve this peacefully.

And they tried, really tried, to make the Zaalbar's brother to see reason, but to no use. The chieftain attacked, and it all ended in bloodshed. Again.

Shin was getting tired of fighting, tired of killing. Maybe she wasn't cut out to be a hero. Or even a Jedi. Because no matter how much everyone repeated that they were diplomats and went on about the peaceful way of life it sure seemed like she ended up fighting her way out of situations more often than not.

They won. But the price of that victory was the life of many Wookiees that had only done what their chieftain told them to do.

- - -

That night there was a party in the village. They celebrated the end of slavery, and the beginning of a war. The Ebon Hawk's crew were invited but were told that when they left no outsiders would be allowed on the planet for a long time.

Everyone welcomed the chance to relax, and Shin smiled when she saw Bastila laughing with Mission and some younger Wookiees, looking more her age than she ever had.

Still, Shin escaped the revelries early, and found a peaceful spot to sit down to look at the stars. She wasn't surprised or bothered when Carth found her a little while later.

"You mind?" he asked, gesturing towards the bench she was sitting on.

What could she say, never mind your company? She merely shook her head and smiled at him before resuming her stargazing.

"Are you okay?" he asked, after a while.

"Yes. I just… couldn't stomach celebrating the beginning of more bloodshed – even if it is a fight for freedom," she explained.

"I know how you feel. I've seen more battle in my life than any man should. But if I ever get comfortable with it, I might as well shoot myself."

They looked at the stars in silence until Shin broke it again.

"The universe is so beautiful. I sometimes forget, seeing all that darkness. And thinking about Malak, somewhere among those stars, hunting Bastila. And I wonder how long we'll have before he hears of Bandon's demise and sends the next one after us…"

"Saul is out there, too," Carth said quietly. "You know, I met Malak once, when he was still a Jedi," he went on, conversationally.

"You never told me." Shin turned to look at him.

"Didn't come up, I suppose. I was impressed by Malak. I guess that just shows how much dark side can change someone."

"No one has told me why they turned. Do you know?"

"Nobody does. When they left after the Mandalorian wars ended, they were Jedi. When they returned… they were something else. And, well, had a seemingly endless supply of ships, and no one knew where that came from either."

"And they seem to keep getting more while our forces dwindle," Shin said slowly, thinking.

"And still… Malak hasn't won. He betrayed Revan, and I suppose one day his apprentice will try to defeat him. In the end, the dark side won't help him."

"I've been… thinking about the dark side. After all, every Jedi I've met seems to feel they need to warn me about falling."

"I, uh… used to think that it was a fancy name for something that I see every day. Corruption is everywhere. People are greedy and stupid and do horrible things. I'm starting to think it's different for the Jedi, however. That there's this evil, watching for its chance."

Shin only looked at him.

"You have so much courage in you… yet, somehow, I have no trouble imagining it differently. Like the flip side of a coin. And it's not just you. It's Bastila, as well. She's so… intense. I don't pretend to know much about the Force… but I know evil. When you have so much power, the stakes are higher. I can only imagine the kind of conflict that goes on inside you."

"I'm not falling to the dark side, Carth, and I won't." In her own ears it sounded like a pledge made to him personally.

"No? Well, I hope so, but I know how people change. I remember how Malak looked and acted before his return… I bet the old Malak discounted the possibility that he would ever fall, as well. Neither you nor Bastila are fully trained on how to handle your power, yet. I'm just concerned at what might come."

"That's so sweet. I didn't know you cared," Shin teased to lighten the mood. Of course she knew he cared.

Still, unsurprisingly, it flustered Carth. "Well, that's not what I… I mean… I wouldn't want to see you hurt. Either of you. I suppose finding the Star Maps is more important than your training… and your safety. I just hope there isn't a price for you to pay."

They sat for a while in silence, Shin not knowing what to say, or how to reassure him.

"Look, I don't want to be all doom and gloom, but I worry, okay?" Carth said.

"It just means you care," Shin said, smiling.

"Yeah, I do. You have this incredible future ahead of you Shin, everyone can see it, from the old man in Taris to Jolee Bindo, whatever he claims his motives are… And… I suppose I just want to help you to get there in one piece. Heh, I suppose I found a reason to hang around even if we get Saul, huh?"

"Whatever it takes to keep you with us, Carth," Shin said, grinning, to hide the fact he was actually touched by his words.

"Well, there are less worthy causes than protecting you, Shin. Whether that means protecting you from the Sith… or yourself, I don't know."

"Why are you doing it, really, Carth?"

"Because… because I never got the chance to save my wife. Because I didn't stop Saul when I had the chance. Because I finally have the chance to do it right. You are an extraordinary woman… you make me think that maybe I might have some purpose beyond revenge."

Did he mean that in a way she hoped he did? After all, if she made him think about his wife…

"Anyway, I don't know if it means anything to you… but it does to me."

"It means a lot to me, Carth. Thank you." Probably more than the man would ever understand.

"Carth… tell me about your wife." She said suddenly, surprising even herself.

"Morgana? You don't think that would be… weird?"

"No. I'd like to know. Unless, of course, you would feel…"

"No, I… It's just that… I've been thinking about her a lot, lately, ever since we saw Dustil and… At least trying to. But… I can't remember her face. I try, and it just disappears. I remember the things she did, our last fight, even the way her hair smelled, but I just can't…"

"Don't you have a holo of her?"

"I lost my last one when Endar Spire was destroyed."

"I'm so sorry, that must be… I can't even imagine how hard. Knowing what you have lost… it's easier for me, I suppose. I don't remember what I've forgotten."

"You think you… had someone?" Carth asked hesitantly.

"No!" she said fast, maybe too fast. Did she really think so or was that all for Carth's benefit? But she didn't feel like she had. Then again, what did she know.

"No, I… I would like to think I'd _know_ somehow, feel the loss on some level, and I don't. Anyway, what did Morgana do?"

"She was a writer. That allowed her to stay at home with Dustil when I was… gone. We were young when we married. I hated leaving her, and later our son but… It was my job. And then the war started… I had to go, to protect the galaxy for them. For every child and mother on every Republic planet. And… even though it meant I wasn't there for them when they needed me… I can't regret that decision. I won't."

Shin didn't know what to say, didn't know whether to offer sympathy or confirmation. Instead, she leaned slightly against him, rested her head on his shoulder, and let her gaze wander to the stars again.

- - -


	24. Chapter 22

Chapter 22: Trapped

* * *

Everything they had spoke of, all the promises Carth had made seemed to vanish into thin air when they realised Leviathan was on their tail. Shin could see the fire of revenge in his eyes again, and feared for his life.

Bastila, too, was worried but mostly about his focus.

"Sister, if you think we'll ever get out of that ship without killing its captain, you have another thing coming!" Carth fumed.

"We don't have much time," Shin reminded. "We need to come up with a plan."

Think, woman... Shin knew Saul Karath would concentrate on Bastila, Carth, and maybe herself – after all, they were the three people described on those datapads the dark Jedi hunting them had. That took them out of the equation. So who to trust with freeing them all?

Mission could very likely do it but Shin's protective instincts worked overtime when it came to her. Jolee Bindo she didn't know well enough to trust, and Juhani... she just couldn't bring herself to trust her that completely either. Canderous could do it but would he get a chance? A big bad mandalorian would surely be guarded heavily.

It was not a real contest, in the end.

"Hey, pet," she said, turning to look at HK-47. "I'm counting on you."

"Statement: I am ready, master!"

- - -

Well, she had been right. It was painful to see Karath and Carth interacting. Carth's scream when Karath showed off the torture possibilities of their cells was even more painful.

She still had time to wonder about Karath's attitude towards herself. It was like the man expected her to know him, to know Malak. And there was that hint to her "flexible loyalties". What was that all about?

His interrogation also felt unreal, somehow. Their side had to know the answers to all the questions he was asking already, and it made no sense if they were to be killed anyway.

Shin knew she could stand some pain, if only to deny Admiral Karath the pleasure of... no!

How could he have latched onto her one weakness? Carth. Seeing, hearing Carth in pain brought her to her knees (and she could swear she _felt_ his pain...) but only physically. She couldn't let it break her.

She wouldn't betray his faith in her. "My pain is meaningless!" he had shouted, and she had to believe him.

The news of the destruction of the Jedi Academy on Dantooine hit them hard. From Bastila's posture behind the forcefield that trapped them Shin realised she believed it fully. And if Bastila believed it, so would Shin.

Still she wouldn't talk.

She knew Karath wouldn't stop the torture even if she did – it was obvious he was enjoying it too much. But he'd never know how close she'd been to cracking, Carth's every shout breaking her heart.

In the end he passed out from the pain, and his former friend merely remarked how surprising it had been for him to survive that long. Karath gave up with the questioning but told the guards to go on with the torture, just as a taste of what was to come.

The pain hit Shin from inside and out – the attack on their nerves opened the link between her and Bastila and every sensation was doubled, both through the bond and in the Force, and the pain... painpainpain... then, blessed oblivion.

- - -

"Don't try to move too quickly, you might not be fully recovered yet." Bastila's voice was the first thing Shin heard when she slowly came to, her whole body aching.

"Admiral Karath had his guards continue to torture you even after you passed out," she explained, and Shin sat up slowly, looking around. She could feel Bastila's concerned gaze from the cell next to hers, and just make out Carth's form in the cell behind hers.

"You guys okay?" she asked, and disliked how weak her voice sounded.

"Are _we_...? Shin, are _you_ okay?" Carth asked.

"I'm fine. I'm just so sorry..." she started, closing her eyes, remembering Carth's shouts of pain.

"No. There's no reason in the world for you to be sorry. It wasn't you hurting me," Carth said insistently.

"It tore me apart seeing you in so much pain."

"I have to confess there was a moment – just a moment – when part of me was hoping that you would tell him what he wanted to know. Just to make the horrible pain stop."

Shin met his eyes through the distance, Bastila in the middle completely forgotten. "I almost did. But..." she tried to grin. "I knew you wouldn't respect me in the morning."

His quiet laugh felt like kolto to her system.

Suddenly there were blaster shots from the other side of the door, and in a second it opened, revealing HK-47 looking as smug as a droid with unmoving facial bits could.

It opened their cells, and while Carth thanked it in words, Shin hugged it, kissing its forehead. "I'll steal you an even bigger gun, pet!" she promised.

She then turned to look at Carth, standing there in his Republic issue underwear. She'd never seen him... even when they'd... She rested her hand on his cheek.

"Are you okay?" she sent a wave of Force healing through his body, even though she knew all he was suffering from at the moment were the memories of the pain.

"I am now," he smiled, covering her hand with his in a gesture that was fast becoming familiar.

"We really should go," Bastila said, in a manner one coughs to remind people they are in the room.

"If I remember the layout correctly, we should find our gear over here," Carth said, leading the way after they had freed the rest of their companions from a cell nearby.

"We really have gathered a lot of stuff," Shin said, staring at the pile of their belongings that had been dumped into a storage room. "And is that... HK, is that a corpse?"

She stared at a soggy mess that looked like it had been a viper kinrath once.

"Explanation: You told me to pick it up on Kashyyyk, master," HK said. "Clarification: You never told me to get rid of it."

Shin remembered asking HK to pick up a few freshly killed kinraths to bait the "ceremonial beast" with, and they had only needed one for the job but... "You mean you actually lugged it all the way to Ebok Hawk?"

She stared at the droid, then shook her head. "Oh, never mind. Let's leave it to Malak."

- - -

In the end it was decided that Shin, Bastila and Carth would try to reach the Bridge to release the Hawk the others would try to reclaim.

"I'm counting on you, pet!" Shin said as they were parting ways.

"Why thank you," Canderous drawled.

"Correction: The Mandalorian meatbag will find that the Master was referring to me."

"You keep him in his place, pet!"

- - - - - - - - - -


	25. Chapter 23

Chapter 23: Unmasking

_No... nonononono... it wasn't true, it couldn't be true!_

Shin stared at the Sith in front of them, trying to make sense of his words. Even though a part of her mind was screaming in denial the analytical side of her was going through the evidence, all the small clues she really should have pieced together – and there was a bit of her, deep down, mocking her for not getting it sooner.

Her convenient memory loss, her re-learnt skills... the bond, Bastila's refusal to spell out what really happened to Revan during that last fight...

And the bit that really broke her heart? It was too much, too abstract to think about all the horrible things Revan had done. All she could think about was Carth. She'd _finally_ earned his trust and then this. She'd never... He'd never recover from this. He would see it as a betrayal equalling that of Saul Karath's.

His distance since his final discussion with dying Saul made sense now. No wonder he had refused to talk to her or even walk close to her, no wonder he had looked at Bastila with anger in his eyes. Bastila had known, and had kept both of them in the dark.

It made sense she wasn't told, really. Of course it did. But that Bastila never shared the truth with Carth...

Did she blame her or the Jedi? She couldn't. What better way to defeat your enemy than by getting them to fight for your side? She couldn't fault them for that. Too much was at stake here. But the fact that they had kept it from Carth, causing him this pain of yet another betrayal...

What did it matter if Malak killed her now? What did she have to look forward to?

An image of Shaela Nuur came to her mind. This is what she had felt, like she had lost everything, like nothing was worth the effort of another breath anymore. But Carth wasn't dead. And he wouldn't die here if Shin could help it! She couldn't let her pain and loss distract her from what was important. She still needed to save the galaxy – for him.

"My name is Shin Cidon," she said quietly but clearly, hardly noticing the tears running down her face. "I am a Jedi. And I will stop you."

- - -

No one was there to witness their fight, Carth and Bastila in stasis behind them. Shin had been Malak's master, once. She had been a Jedi Knight, a Sith Lord. Even if she couldn't remember those days she knew she had the skills somewhere, and everyday they came back a little more.

She was winning.

Malak ran away, and she followed, engaging him again – then, out of nowhere, Bastila was there, being all noble and pushing her away.

Why would _she_ be the one that needed to be saved? Bastila could find the Star Maps without her, if only she didn't...

"Bastila! No! I had him! Damn," she shouted her frustration, banging her fist against the door that had locked behind the fighting pair.

Then Carth was there, pulling her away.

"I was winning! Bastila has no chance!" she yelled, struggling out of his grip.

"This was her choice," he said grimly, dragging her towards their ship. "To sacrifice herself to save you! You will not waste it." He sounded like he couldn't understand the young Jedi's choice, and didn't approve at all.

Shin... Revan couldn't blame him.

- - -

Shin was numb by the time they reached the Hawk.

"Go," Carth commanded, grimly, making his way to the cockpit.

"What about Bastila?" Mission shouted after him.

"Go!"

Shin stood where Carth had left her, staring into the distance, hardly noticing the other people in the room. She was still in the same position when Carth returned after setting the ship on autopilot.

He looked at her for the first time since they had left the bridge of Leviathan and Shin winced at the amount of rage in his eyes. So like Dustil's, she mused. Rage and bitterness. Betrayal.

"They deserve to know the truth about you. Do you want to tell them what Malak said, or should I?" he asked coldly.

"I'll tell them," she whispered, lowering her gaze. Then, with a stronger voice, "I... I am, was Darth Revan."

She felt detached when cataloging people's reactions. Jolee was not surprised. He'd known. Juhani had suspected her true identity, most likely from her resemblance to the Jedi that once saved her. Mission... Mission was flabbergasted and loud.

"What? How is that possible?"

"When Bastila was part of the Jedi strike team that took down Revan... me, she used Force to keep... me alive. That created the bond. The shared visions... my hidden memories, or course." She closed her eyes, a tear escaping when she thought about all the lies she had been told. "My mind was... destroyed. The Jedi council planted a new identity, a new... me. They created 'Shin Cidon' to help them follow Revan's footsteps, to defeat Malak."

"Do you... remember anything about being Revan?" Mission asked.

"What I had thought were dreams and visions are obviously memories but...I feel no connection with those, no emotional response. I can't class them as memories, really. And beyond those... Nothing."

"Then it's okay, isn't it? I mean, if you don't remember anything about being Revan, then it doesn't really matter anymore. You are who you are now."

That was when Carth exploded, all the pain and feeling of betrayal pouring out. It was Canderous who came to her defence. "Everyone knows Malak gave the order about Telos." And Mission, faithful Mission, also joined in. "Whatever you used to be, you're one of us now!"

Maybe so, but who was responsible for Malak in the first place? Who had began all this? That thought only reminded Shin – she couldn't think of herself as anyone else – that they still had a quest to finish. They still needed to stop Malak. And save Bastila.

"Commentary: I am... experiencing something unusual, master," HK broke into the conversation.

"Everyone stand back!" was her first reaction. When an assassination droid says something like that... but HK assured her there was nothing to worry about.

As the amazing truth about its origins was revealed Shin felt like laughing. No surprise, then, that she had liked HK from the start – she had designed him, after all.

"Welcome home, pet," she whispered, unable to stop the smile.

Then it died down when she turned to face the others to ask the most difficult question: could they still trust her?

Mission and Zaalbar were a balm to her soul with their instant confidence. Canderous would follow Revan if need be, and if a good fight was on offer. Juhani, Jolee... She even asked T3 to postpone the moment she had to turn her eyes on Carth, to meet the gaze of a cold stranger that had replaced the man she had fallen in love with.

His vote of confidence was reluctant and came with qualifications. "As long as this mission stays on course I'll stick with you. But I won't let you betray the Republic under any circumstances!"

But he would still work with her. That was the most important thing to Shin. Because it meant that on some level he still trusted her. Or at least _wanted_ to trust her.

After a silent moment Carth went on with a quieter voice. "I can't even imagine what you must be going through right now."

She felt like crying and laughing at the same time. The tears won, and she met his eyes although she couldn't see if their expression had softened any because of the sheen of tears. "After everything I've been and done, and after everything you said... you're still the one person to think about that."

She turned her back on everyone and walked away with reserved dignity. She was walking in the wrong direction to get to her cabin but as she would have had to walk past the others to get there... she couldn't stand another moment in their company. She couldn't stay strong any longer. _What she must be going through..._ And the only one to think about her feelings was the man who now hated and distrusted her. Was it any wonder she loved him?

She ended up in the med bay, and sat down in the farthest corner. She needed to think. And she needed to cry.


	26. Chapter 24

Chapter 24: Reflections

* * *

"I can't believe I didn't realise how much pain she must have been in!" Mission said, sounding contrite.

Zaalbar said something Carth couldn't understand.

"I know, Big Z, but it was a shock for her, too! And we weren't exactly helping her." She scowled at Carth, then relented. "Except... You did notice her pain. Even through your own pain you acknowledged hers. I think I've misjudged you."

"She'll need help," Juhani said, looking at Carth. "And I think you might be the only one she'll accept it from."

He didn't know if he was ready to offer consolation to Darth Revan. Jedi Revan, the Republic hero. Dark Lord Revan, the bane of the galaxy. The woman he'd learned to know, to _love_ didn't exist anymore, if she ever had. The woman who'd given him back his son – his _life_ – was just a lie. A construct. Someone who could be gone any day.

"I don't get it," Juhani was saying. "She said she was a creation of the Jedi Council."

_Thanks for making my point for me, Cathar_, was the first thought going through Carth's head. Occasionally he was convinced the Jedi could indeed read minds.

"Yes?" Jolee prompted the young Jedi.

"But I _met_ Revan. She was... she was _her_. Did the masters really create that woman from nothing? The compassion, the sense of humour, the personality? Or did they just take her memories away and make her go back to the way she was when she was a Jedi?"

Jolee muttered something vaguely affirmative and Carth found himself hoping again. Maybe... maybe she was right. And if she was...

He looked around the room, then, without a word, disappeared into the direction Shin had.

- - -

Carth didn't know what he'd say to her when he found her. It's not like he could really trust her anymore, right?

He hesitated at the door after locating her inside the med bay, sitting on the floor. She raised her head to look at him. She wasn't crying but was the palest he'd ever seen.

"I don't know how much time we have," she said quietly.

"What do you mean?" he asked, frowning.

"Before the original occupant of this body appears. I... can't see it not happening now. I will help as long as I can but... but when Revan returns you need to... I suppose it depends on how it happens... If you can... You'll have to kill me. For now, I can still help, you still need my... visions to uncover the last Star Map but beyond that..."

Carth could only stare a her during her seemingly emotionless speech.

"We'll have to assume HK-47 will be on Revan's side. No matter what blocks I try to set now Revan will know how to remove them. Canderous, too, will very likely follow... me, no matter what path I choose. You can trust Mission, always, but I'm afraid Zaalbar will take this life debt thing so seriously he will follow me even to the dark side. Jolee and Juhani you can count on – with time Juhani could probably be turned again but we have to hope she won't have that kind of time..."

"Stop it!"

That broke her out of the trance she seemed to be in and she met his eyes, looking sad.

"You... Juhani told us 'Shin Cidon' cannot be a work of fiction, a mere construct. She – you! – are a _real_ person. And she is of the opinion you – as Shin – are Revan as she was when she was still a Jedi."

Was that a spark of hope in her eyes? Carth looked at the woman slumped in the corner, eyes filled with pain over the things she'd done – that she'd been _told_ she'd done – and couldn't find a trace of hatred in his heart. She was killing herself over the fear she might disapper and what was left behind would hurt her friends.

He knelt down next to her and gathered her unresponsive form into his arms.

"I can't believe the amazing, generous, _good_ woman I've come to know these past months is not a _real_ person. I can't believe she is just a lie, a construct they created to access Revan's memories. Surely the Jedi can't create a _soul_."

She moved, just a fraction, to hold on to him. He merely held her close, and after a moment she moved again, hiding her face against his neck and finally he could feel the tears falling against his skin.

"I'm scared," she whispered, so quietly he wasn't sure he'd heard correctly. "I'm scared of becoming Revan. Of _being_ her, deep down."

His own words from months ago came back to him in a flash: "That's not what – who – you are now, Shin." He didn't put any undue stress on the name, but the message was clear.

"I can't hate you," he said against her hair, holding her a little tighter. "I can't hold you responsible for the things she did when you so obviously are _not_ her. I tried to hate you, and succeeded for about fifteen minutes while I was still blinded by everything. But you are not her. And if it's up to you, you never will be again."

They sat there for a long time, just holding each other in silence.

- - -

After what felt like eternity Carth got up and carried the unresisting woman through the ship into her cabin. She kept her face hidden against his neck the whole way, and even though he noticed the others were still where they had left them he didn't acknowledge their presence in any way.

He lowered Shin on her bed tenderly, and bent down to remove her boots.

"We'll have to talk about all this... properly... at some point," she whispered and he turned to look at her face,

"Yes. But not now. Sleep. We'll arrive in Manaan in a couple of days. Then... we'll know more. Jolee is convinced we'll find Bastila by doing what we were doing anyway, so our mission is pretty much unchanged."

"No pun intended," she whispered, even more quitely, and he gave her what felt like a first smile in days, then covered her with a blanket.

"Peaceful dreams, Shin Cidon," he whispered, kissing her forehead.

- - -

"And again you are carrying her to bed. A guy can't help but wonder..." Canderous was grinning at Carth when he returned to the others.

He seemed curiously unperturbed by the revelations, and Mission was the first to call him on it.

"Shin's really Darth Revan, and _that_ is all you have to say?"

The Mandalorian shrugged. "I always knew she was a warrior I could respect. Revan was too, both as a Jedi and a Sith. This is not as big a deal for me as it is for some," he concluded, looking at Carth pointedly.

"Well, it's a big deal for Shin," Carth replied quietly, and turned towards the cockpit.

"Is she alright?" Mission asked, and he slowed down a bit.

"I don't know," he admitted, closing his eyes, remembering her voice when she admitted she was afraid. "But she's strong, and she knows she's needed. She'll pull through."

- - - -


	27. Chapter 25

Notes: I quote almost all of Jolee's theories on love but since this is a *love* story, I find this central to the theme.

* * *

Chapter 25: On the Nature of Love, Pt 3

* * *

Carth had just been on his way to the galley to get a bit to eat before returning to the flight duty. He hadn't meant to listen. But when he was passing by the med bay he had heard Jolee ask, "Have you ever been in love? Truly in love, I mean, and not a simple infatuation." and he had just had to stop and listen to Shin's reply.

Her "Well..." hadn't been very informative but Carth found himself rooted to the spot listening to the old Jedi elaborating his point.

"Exactly," he was saying. "You're still at the beginning of your life. There will be men in your life... perhaps many men... but if you're fortunate you'll find love once." Carth didn't like the idea of 'many men' in Shin's life. Not at all. Now he definitely needed to hear what they were going to say.

"The Jedi, with their damnable sense of overcaution, would tell you love is something to avoid. Thankfully, anyone who's even partially alive knows that's not true."

"That's what I've always thought," Shin interjected quietly and Carth closed his eyes and leaned towards the wall. Really? She really believed that? Maybe... But they still had the whole Revan-thing to work through and it wasn't like she had ever said the words.

"Love doesn't lead to the dark side. Passion can lead to rage and fear, and can be controlled... but passion is not the same thing as love. Controlling your passions while being in love... that's what they should teach you to beware. But love, itself, will save you... not condemn you. Ahhhh, but listen to me go on as if I had all the answers. What do I know of love anymore? I'm just a lonely old man who's not even a Jedi."

"No, I want to hear what you have to say." There was something hungry in Shin's voice, something desperate, like she really needed to hear Jolee's theories, maybe to... confirm her own?

"You do, do you? I wouldn't listen too closely... I'm no authority on anything. I just think that the greatest things in life shouldn't be avoided because they come with a few complications. Love causes pain, certainly. Inevitably love is going to lead to as much sorrow and regret as it does joy. I suppose there are perfect, eternal loves out there... but I haven't seen any. How you deal with the i_bad_/i part of love is what determines your character, what determines the dark side's hold over you."

"You don't think love can work?" Shin asked in a wistful voice.

"I suppose it could. It would take a strong person to make that kind of commitment, I think. Someone with a great sense of self. I'll tell you one thing: sometimes, no matter how hard you try, you and the one you love simply aren't meant to be together. The trick is to know when that is, to know when it's time to fight and when it's time to part ways. Hmph... there I go waxing philosophical again. Somebody blast me already! Let's get going before I start talking in riddles, dammit!"

Carth beat a hasty retreat before they could exit the room. He skipped the lunch and made his way back to the cockpit. He couldn't stop thinking about Jolee's words.

He had always been convinced his marriage with Morgana would have lasted if she hadn't died, that their love would have endured. It hadn't occurred to him that love couldn't last.

But... what if he had still been married when he met Shin? Would he still have fallen as hard? He couldn't imagine i_not_/i loving Shin. And would that love last? That was of course if Shin could love him back, which he had to admit she didn't really have many reasons to do. Then again, she did... care about him. He knew that much.

What if they could love each other? What would that mean? Would it make Shin more vulnerable to the dark side? Would it make them put each others' safety above their mission?

And he couldn't shake the feeling there had been something prophetic about Jolee's words about letting your love go. Would that be the price they had to pay to succeed in their quest? And would he be able to pay it? Could he let go of another woman he loved even if the fate of the galaxy depended on it? Even if Shin never loved him back?

- - -

Shin had meant to make her customary round of the Ebon Hawk but after talking with Jolee she needed some time to ponder his words.

It was the third day of their trip to Manaan. The first she had spent on her own, trying to meditate, trying to make some sense of her new-found identity, even purposefully searching for the memories inside her, even though she felt there was danger in that.

What if Revan reappeared? Would she be a Sith or a Jedi?

Then again, what was she? She was happy, ecstatic in fact, that Jolee shared her view on love. But then, Jolee admitted he was not a Jedi. Was Shin? How could she resolve Council's teachings with her love for Carth? She still viewed that as source of her strength. Was that arrogance that would lead her – again – to the dark side of the Force? She couldn't come to any definite conclusions about that on her own.

That made her actually wish she could talk to Bastila. Still, she knew, had the other woman been there she would never have voiced her doubts to her. It also made her feel ashamed. Bastila was held prisoner by Malak, tortured, maybe killed, and she was tangled up in her own petty problems.

But that didn't make the said problems feel any smaller when trapped inside her own head for hours on end.

She didn't i_feel_/i like a construct. She didn't feel any more... artificial now than she had felt when she... wait, how much of her life was real? Which part of her memories were real? Had she really been recovered from a crashed ship, had they really gone as far as to set up a crash site for her to wake up in, amnesiac? Or was that memory planted?

It didn't feel any less real than her memories of Endar Spire, of Taris, of Carth and her one night with him.

It scared her. If the Council had managed to make her believe that, couldn't her whole personality also be a plant?

But Carth and Mission and the others viewed 'Shin' as a real person. That was enough for her for now. Although she did wonder who had named her. "Unknown Warrior" showed sense of humour beyond what she thought the Council capable of.

The whole identity crisis was also mixed in her feelings for Carth. She loved him. Those feelings were as real as anything. Could Revan love someone? Could the Council have been able to create a living, loving person by planting a few memories? What was love, in the first place?

Biological, based on brain chemistry? Something more intangible? Or was it a plant, too? Triggering her to fall for one on "their side" to aid in their cause? That sounded a little far-fetched, even for the Jedi...

In the end, she found her peace where she always did – in Carth. She concentrated on the feelings he created in her, and in them found her own truth. Her love was real. Therefore, at least on some level, she was real.

Surely her feelings couldn't disappear into thin air even if she regained her memories and old personality? It made sense that they would at least linger. Which in turn meant Carth would be safe, even from evil Revan, at least for long enough for him to kill her.

Weird to find comfort in a thought like that.

She almost wished Carth didn't care about her, to make the act easier.

Almost. She had no clue as to his real feelings even though, surely, they had been heading towards a relationship? His kisses couldn't have only been about the physical. His sense of betrayal had felt too personal to be unaffected by deep caring for her. Right?

She replayed the tenderness he had shown her again and again in her head, the soft kiss on her forehead even after he had discovered her true identity... Surely that had been a sign of caring, if not love?

On the second day she had emerged and talked to everyone on board the Hawk, talking about her identity and about people's reactions to that. Mission was supportive, Canderous' admiration to Revan was clear, Jolee... Jolee had talked about swirling Force and snakes. Profound, she was sure.

Carth... she hadn't really talked with Carth after he had convinced her she was still her. It had really sounded like he believed what he said, though. And that had helped her.

And now, on their last day before reaching Manaan, Jolee had given her more to think about on the subject of love, and Shin didn't feel like talking to anyone else, after all.

Locked in her cabin she missed Carth so much it felt like physical pain. But what could she say? Could Carth ever really forget the fact she had been Revan? Should he even forget that?

And then the whole process started again, feelings and ideas and dreams and fears running again and again and again through her mind, like a caged tach. Or a gizka, she mused, spotting one hiding under her bed.

They really needed to do something about their resident zoo at some point...

- - - - - - -


	28. Chapter 26

I suck, but I haven't abandoned this story!

o o o o

Chapter 26: On the Rocky Road to Ahto Town

o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o

Mission was sitting in the galley with Jolee when Shin walked in, looking pale and tired.

"You okay?" Mission asked, pulling out a chair for her while Jolee got up to get her a drink.

"I had the weirdest dream last night," Shin said when she had settled.

"Good weird or bad weird?"

"Weird weird. And, well, maybe bad weird."

"Not a vision?" Jolee checked.

"No! Well, I hope not. I mean, it had nothing to do with Revan."

She kept her eyes on the table while she hesitantly started to explain her dream.

"It was... after a space battle against some Sith fighters. I noticed that Juhani was missing and instead we had two Zaalbars."

"Two wookiees?"

"No, two Zaalbars, specifically. And no one but me thought that odd. And there was a strange droid in the cockpit who told me he could take the ship anywhere I wanted to – Endar Spire, Taris... Dantooine."

Shin took a deep breath.

"So I said, take me to Dantooine. I knew it was gone. I knew everyone was dead. But it the dream... I wanted to see the ruins. For it to be real."

"Bad weird?" guessed Mission.

"The worst. You see... everything was just as we'd left it. Everyone was there, alive, and I tried to warn them, you know, tell them the Sith were coming, to tell them how our quest was going... I tried talking to the Council but they refused to discuss any subject I wanted to address and it was so horrible to stand there, knowing they were already dead, really, and what I was seeing was a mirage..."

She closed her eyes tightly to keep the tears from escaping.

"I don't know if I trusted them, or even liked them, but... They're Jedi, they shouldn't... the dark side shouldn't win!"

"Malak hasn't won yet, Shin, we'll kick his ass," Mission said confidently and Shin wished she could share her enthusiasm.

Her dream had made her think about another thing she had been thinking about, ever since learning that she was Revan. She hadn't mentioned her doubts to anyone before, not even Carth. Maybe especially not Carth. He was still worried about the dark side, and what were her thoughts but a first step on that path?

"I wish I could just go back, to talk to Master Vandar. The Council's warnings about the 'all too familiar path' make a lot more sense, now. Yet in a way, part of me is glad I'm not beholden to them anymore," she confessed, quietly.

"They threw me – us – to the kath hounds unprepared. I can see how Revan got fed up with them withholding information and being purposefully mysterious. Part of me even blames Juhani's teacher for her brief detour to the dark side! How much was it her fault, the way she handled it? And I know these thoughts are dangerous. Doubts, arrogance, anger... and then I remember they're gone. And we – i_we_/i – are the best hope of saving the galaxy and... and I don't feel so arrogant anymore. We've come so far on pure luck and determination but when is that going to run out? Malak's got Bastila already. And part of me feels that I have to become Revan to be able to see this through – that we might need to know what she knew... and I am so damn afraid that if that happens, she won't help you but betray you."

"She is you, Shin," Jolee said with conviction, sounding more like a Jedi now than a crazy old man. "You seem to think that you're going to disappear if 'Revan' appears. But you are as real a person as she is. Even if you were to regain your memories, that's what it would be – i_you_/i regaining some of your memories – not this other person taking over your body."

"Is that a promise?" Shin asked, only partly as a joke.

"The Jedi Council can do many things, and the Force is a powerful ally, but it cannot create life. It did not create you. Well, not in the way you mean, anyway. All life is manifestation of the Force, and as to whether it creates life or life creates it..." he let his voice fall to the rambling mode, and Mission rolled her eyes.

Shin smiled at her, gratefully.

She had to put the horrors of the nightmare out of her mind, just as she had had to put the fate of Taris out of her mind. Not even in the queue, just buried somewhere, maybe to be dug up after everything was over. Maybe not. Maybe new horrors would drown them out forever.

No. She would never forget Taris. Not the people, nor that little room in which she had kissed Carth for the first time. But she had to not think about it, had to not think about Dantooine, had to not think about Bastila. During the first days she had occasionally sensed her pain through their bond but the other woman was shielding so hard nothing else got through. Shin could only be grateful, yet vaguely guilty at the same time.

Jolee was still rambling about the nature of the Force, and even though Shin usually found even his ramblings interesting, she just couldn't concentrate on it at the moment.

"Thanks, both of you," she said, getting up. "I feel better."

Not much better, though. For that she would need Carth. But would he be up to reassuring Revan?

Besides, they would land soon. Time to concentrate on finding the last (she hoped, as they were running out of places to look) Star Map.


	29. Chapter 27

Notes: This is where I take my biggest sidestep from the story of the game. Some of you may find my take on Revan's hobbies ridiculous but for me it makes perfect sense.

Chapter 27: Something Fishy in the State of Manaan

"You *_sold_* our gizka?" Mission sounded incredulous.

"Well," Shin answered. "I didn't actually dare to ask any credits for them. I was just grateful to have someone take them off the ship. It was getting a bit tiring to trip on them all the time. The Selkath originally asked credits to take them off my hands but I, uhh, persuaded him that was not necessary."

"You didn't use Force to..." Mission checked.

"Of course not. That would be cheating!"

"Trust me," Carth said dryly. "She can be _very_ persuasive even without the Force."

"I bet," drawled Canderous, taking part in the conversation for the first time. The hint of – something – very clear in his voice.

"What? Jealous that I never bother to use my powers of persuasion on you?" Shin asked with exaggerated sweetness.

"That was uncalled for," Canderous replied, curtly.

"Was it?" Her voice held definite challenge, and the rest of the crew held their breath.

Canderous met her gaze, then turned away.

"Maybe not," he conceded.

"Good. I'm glad we got this cleared."

o o o

Shin and Carth returned to eat in the Hawk and explained to the others how they had been sidetracked from the quest to find the Star Map. Shin was grateful she and Carth seemed to be able to work together as normal, and talk as if nothing had happened.

"Before we managed to even reach the Republic enclave we ran into this old friend of Jolee's accused of murder," she started. "So now I'm his arbiter, responsible for his defence. Jolee's there now, keeping his wife company. You know," she said in a different voice. "I sometimes wonder if that 'crazy old man' thing wasn't just an act – he's perfectly normal with them."

"The thing is," she went back to her explanation. "I'm beginning to suspect this friend of his. A Republic war hero accused of killing a Sith woman. First of all, it's obvious he was having an affair with her even though he denied it. And despite the planted evidence the circumstantial evidence is enough to fry him on dozen planets. And, beyond that, something fishy is obviously going on in both the Sith and the Republic Embassies. I have an audience with the Republic representative in a bit. I hope it will clarify the situation."

o o o

Shin knew they would need the Ambassador's help in locating the Map – no way could they search through the ocean on their own. The man proposed a trade. Shin had been curious about all the mercenaries the Republic was supposedly hiring and was glad to get an explanation. Not that it was an explanation she would have wanted to hear.

"So let me get this straight... you were harvesting kolto in secret, putting our entire presence on the planet in jeopardy, and now something has gone wrong and everyone you send to find out what it is has disappeared as well?"

Of course they would help, and not only to fulfil the quid pro quo but, damn, this was the Republic they were fighting to save?

She was even more shocked when she accidentally stumbled on a secret recoding in their files while trying to crack the codes to get into the Sith Embassy with the computer they had allowed her to use.

A recoding showing the murder of the Sith woman. A cold-blooded assassination by the crippled, amiable Republic war hero. Jolee's friend. A loving husband. And the Republic officials on the planet were shielding him. Damn.

Distracted momentarily from her quest to help the ambassador Shin and Carth went back to the prison where Sunry was being held. Being Shin, she confronted him with the intel. To their disgust the old man tried to defend his actions by saying he had only killed a Sith, and isn't that what they were doing, too?

"You are talking about acts of war. You murdered your girlfriend in her sleep!" Carth spat out, outraged. Shin couldn't blame him.

"She was a spy! She deserved to die!"

"Killing your lover in her sleep is murder – even if she is a Sith!"

And the absolutely worst part? Sunry had a point. If the truth came out – all of it – the Republic's cover up attempt would seriously hurt their position on Manaan. Which would then affect their access to kolto, and without that they could as well surrender to the Sith right away.

In the end she decided to go to trial. She was meticulous in asking her questions from the witnesses, uncovering the truth. It all came out: the affair, the betrayal, the planted evidence (at least the ones planted by the Sith). The only thing she refused to state was whether she believed her client was guilty or innocent. She also withheld the tape of the murder, hating herself for it.

The judges made their decision based on partial evidence. They let him go.

Looking at the celebrating couple left Shin feeling cold. She hadn't lied. But she hadn't presented the truth either.

"Do you think justice was done?" Jolee asked her, and she could only shake her head. "Not really."

She turned to Carth. "I... I'm still not sure that was the right thing to do."

"I couldn't tell you," Carth said, leading her towards Ebon Hawk. "All I know is that letting him die without any acclaim would have felt wrong, too. He was a hero, once."

"Revan was a hero, once," she reminded him quietly.

"And will be so again, after we have defeated Malak," he said, with a voice filled with conviction.

"How about we head to the Sith Embassy now? I need the uncomplicated, simple fight right now. No sneaking around, not subtlety. Just the fight."

o o o

They took HK-47 and Canderous with them, knowing they both would appreciate the exercise. Together they hijacked the Sith transporter and went in, guns blazing.

It almost felt purifying – even though the idea frightened Shin. Was this her true nature, then? A warrior, a killer?

"We should have brought Big Z," she remarked to Carth with forced lightness to distract herself.

"He'd go crazy with the smell of sea food," he replied, and Canderous laughed, kicking a dead selkath.

The lightened mood didn't last long. They discovered the reason the Sith had been luring the Selkath youth to their ranks, and the sight of all those young creatures... Shaelas' daughter among them. Shin's powers of persuasion were again needed to get them to abandon the Sith.

She succeeded, and they did find the Republic wreck and recovered the data. But as they exited the building they were ambushed and arrested by the Selkath authorities. Luckily, the powers of persuasion and the proof of the Sith conspiracy took care of that and before long they were free to go.

Shin sent HK to deliver the data to the Republic Ambassador and returned to the Hawk with the men. She was not up to discussing with the weasel at the moment. She felt dirty enough as it was.

Literally, she realised, sniffing her armour. She smelled like fried fish.

"I want a shower. A real water shower. And a bath. We're on a water planet, that shouldn't be hard to arrange."

She looked at the rest of the crew.

"Let's take a night off. It will take a while for the Embassy to go through the data and we're not expected there until tomorrow. Not much we can do before that. So... do what you want. But if you leave the ship, remember not to let the Sith goad you into a fight. We don't need any more problems with the authorities! I'm gonna go find myself a bath."

o o o

Well, to her defence, that's what she had been determined to do when she left, right after changing out of her armour and into civilian clothes... but it wasn't exactly the reason she was returning to the Hawk after midnight, still buzzing.

"Where have you been!"

It was Carth, fully dressed, sitting by the table with a drink. Everyone else seemed to be asleep in their bunks if the sounds of snoring from different parts of the ship was anything to go by.

"What?"

"I was worried, dammit!"

Incensed by his anger Shin shot back, "What? Still worried I'm going to betray us all to the Sith?"

She saw Carth wince and instantly regretted her words. "I'm sorry. That was uncalled for," she muttered.

"You were only supposed to go out for a bit of real water. Pretty long for a bath, don't you think?" Well, he didn't sound angry or suspicious anymore but... was that jealousy? Somehow, she was happier to see it in his eyes that Canderous'.

"Well, it turned out I needed to get a hotel room to get that shower. And they don't rent them by the hour – that's why Elena always spent the night, too, by the way. So I had my shower but when I was leaving... I ran into something that sparked memories. An old hobby of mine, from my earlier Jedi days." She was grinning wildly. "I could show you, if you like. I left early, and could do with a little more."

He looked at her suspiciously, and she laughed aloud. "Let's go!"

o o o

They walked through the abandoned night-time streets of the city and Carth only no noticed what she was wearing – black tight pants, her black top, and a jacket that covered the light sabre.

She had looked at him with a critical eye and decided he'd do in his clothes but had told him to take only one blaster with him.

"Where are we going to go?" he asked suspiciously when she led them down a dark corridor wedged between two buildings.

"To have fun!"

"Shin..."

"You'll see," she promised, banging on a door.

A small window opened, and after a quick glance the door was opened.

"Shin! I thought you'd had enough!"

"Never!" Shin said, grinning, and led them into the building.

Carth could hear the music to the door, feel its drum as they entered.

"He's with me," Shin told the guy at the door as he looked at Carth.

The doorman's eyes paused on the blaster on Carth's belt pointedly but Shin was unperturbed. "He'd look naked without," she said and shrugged, still grinning, and to his embarrassment Carth could see the guy run his eyes over his frame, as if trying to picture him naked.

"Yeah, I know he's gorgeous, but keep your eyes in their sockets," Shin said, dryly.

"Never touch your property," he said, laughing, and putting his hands up in a yielding gesture.

Carth had no time to react to their exchange because Shin had grabbed his hand and was dragging him further inside.

A shady Rodian addressed them from the shadows. "No, he does not need stims to keep up with me," Shin told him politely, and led Carth into the next room.

Carth looked at the writhing mass inside the large room.

"Dancing."

"Yes. Bits of it came back to me... Seems I've never been good at that meditating thing. This is how I cleared my head – this is where I felt my strongest connection to the Force. This is a travelling scene. The same crowds and musicians can be seen on Coruscant, Manaan – even Dantooine had its underground parties, as did the largest ships during the Mandalorian war."

"Shin!" A green Twi'lek girl hailed her from the dance floor.

"That's Birana. Apparently I knew her... before. Had to tell her about... the accident that affected my memory. But... she knew me as Shin."

Carth realised the meaning behind that instantly. "But that would mean..."

"That the Council didn't name me, I did. 'Shin Cidon' was obviously a name I used when I wanted to be incognito!"

"I'll be damned," Carth said, smiling for the first time since they'd left Ebon Hawk. He could see how that seemingly simple little thing was making Shin feel that much better about the whole thing.

It probably contributed to her happiness as well. She was positively radiating it, and had ever since her return to the ship. That was what had made Carth so jealous, but he had been worried too.

"Shin!" The Twi'lek – Birana – was next to them now, and hugging Shin. She was trailed by a darker, green male, who also hugged Shin.

"Oh, sorry... do you remember me? Bir told me about the crash."

"Dak. You're Dak. Right?"

"So I am. What have you been doing all these years we haven't seen you?"

"Oh, you know, the usual. Saved the galaxy, tried to destroy it, and now I'm saving it again," she replied, grinning, obviously enjoying the private joke of not lying.

They laughed as well, then noticed Carth.

"Oh my! Is this what you have been hiding all these years? No wonder you never stray!"

Carth felt his face burn but Shin didn't set the couple straight. She did notice his discomfort, though, and took his hand and started to pull him with her.

"We're gonna grab some drinks, be right back."

She led him to the serving area, ordered them drinks, then explained.

"People are only here for two things. Dancing is the one I apparently ever went for. Bir and Dak seemed to be of the opinion it was because I had someone at home, maybe I led them to believe that to stop people from trying. And, well, it seems you're the only one I've ever brought with me so they naturally think you're him. And for my future safety and comfort, I'd rather not disabuse them of the notion. What Bir knows everyone in the room knows. Hope you don't horribly mind."

She turned to pay for their drinks so that Carth couldn't see her expression. Luckily it also meant she couldn't see his either. He didn't even want to think what his face was revealing at the moment.

"No, of course not," he got out, and she turned to beam at him.

"Come on, let's dance!"

"I don't dance."

"Fine, I'll dance," Shin said, handing him her drink and her jacket and beckoning to Birana. "Come on, girl!"

Carth found himself standing next to Dak, watching the two women on the dance floor. Shin danced like she fought, all that hidden strength in fluid motion, controlled yet explosive. It was beautiful. It was entrancing.

"I always used to wonder whether she loved the way she danced," Dak said. "Wildly, with that total abandon. But she would never go home with anyone. Shin only dances. We can only bask in her glory on the dance floor." He shot a quick glance at Carth. "You might wonder why I' telling you this. But you must have your fears when she is out on her own. She never strays. She never even graces anyone with a second look. You must be quite a man to keep her."

It felt bad to hear such praise when he didn't really merit it. Also, it felt quite wrong to hear Shin discussed in those terms. Still, Dak's tone was respectful so he let it slide.

He tore his eyes off Shin and looked around him. It was a dark, large room, filled with creatures of all kinds. Quite a low number of locals, though. The dance floor took up most room, and that was illuminated by coloured lights.

Instead of the usual Bith and Twi'lek the stage had a holo of a petite woman dancing and singing. The song was light-hearted dancey-lovey stuff that still made him want to move to the beat. Or maybe it was the compelling sight of Shin, dancing "in complete abandon", her skin glowing under the lights.

The song changed, and the beat was even more seductive, now. Shin looked at him, and he felt powerless to resist the invitation, and let her eyes pull him into the fray. Hesitantly, he started to move with her, and was rewarded with a glowing smile.

He hadn't danced in... damn, a decade. That made him feel old. He felt self conscious and awkward, and, looking at Shin's graceful moves, clumsy. But Shin moved closer, guided him, her eyes never leaving his, and he started to relax, and his movement felt more natural.

Afterwards, he couldn't tell how long they danced, only that she seemed to move closer and closer until their bodies were grinding against each other to the rhythm, and he was so hot, from the exercise, from her presence, and there was nothing beyond the two of them. He had never felt such connection with her, except maybe when they kissed.

The music ended, and the holo blinked and disappeared. They stopped moving, leaning against each other, trying to catch their breath.

"I need a drink," Shin said, still gasping.

Carth didn't know what to say after the closeness of the intense dancing. He didn't want to let go of her either, so he rested his palm against her back. Her shirt had ridden up while she was dancing so that the small of her back was exposed. Touching her bare skin made him shudder, made them both shudder. If it felt like this, always, how had she not taken the dance to its near-logical conclusion in the bedroom? That was the only thing he could think of, even though the mere dancing had been a fulfilling experience in a way.

They quenched their thirst while another holo blinked into existence. It seemed to be a group of fuzzy creatures as far as Carth could tell. Shin recognised them. "Oh good, I love this set!"

It was different from the previous one, deeper both in tone and lyric.

"I remember it... just a flash. An impromptu party on a ship, during the final days of the war... I don't remember the songs as such, or even dancing to them, just the atmosphere."

She pulled him back to the floor and glued her body to his. Again they danced for what felt like hours, and Carth could sort of see what she saw in this. He could forget everything, drown every worry in the music, in the movement, in her. The Sith didn't matter, even Bastila's fate was a distant thing. It should have made him feel guilty but he needed the rest, needed the escape, and so did Shin, obviously.

The music mutated into a slow number, and they moved slowly to the tune, still glued together. Shin rested her head against his shoulder, and Carth responded by trying to pull her even closer. He almost let go, though, because she froze, raising her head.

Hearing her gasp, he turned to look into the same direction she was. A familiar blue face was gaping at them from the crowd.

"This is probably what running into your parents making out would feel like," Mission said, grinning, as she reached them.

Carth disengaged himself from Shin (reluctantly), feeling flustered. Shin grinned at the girl.

"You should be at home sleeping, young lady!"

"Yeah? Well, so should you!" she countered, smiling widely.

"You have one hour," Shin said, almost serious now. "Then it's sleepy times for you. Big day tomorrow."

"Yes, mom." Mission stuck her tongue out and danced away.

Carth felt like his face was flaming red... having been seen like that with Shin... and by Mission of all people!

"Time to go, I suppose," Shin said.

"I don't... I... I'm tired," he finished lamely, not sure what he had wanted to say. Even though the mood had been shattered he really didn't want to let go of the closeness they had shared.

"As it happens, I have a hotel room in this very building," Shin said, grinning. "I have paid for it until morning anyway."

He wasn't sure it was a good idea but had to admit he wasn't looking forward to walking through the streets to the ship, sweaty and exhausted – not to mention aroused. Luckily the exercise offered by the hours of dancing was starting to get to him. Maybe he would be able to share a hotel room with her just sleeping.

They made the short journey in silence and took turns in taking quick showers. Shin was already in the only bed when he surfaced. She had put the same top back on but her bra was on top of the pile of clothes next to the bed. He hadn't enjoyed the idea of putting the same sweaty clothes back on but the cheap room had no washer and he'd be damned if he got into that bed naked.

Half asleep, Shin turned to snuggle closer to him when he crawled into the bed and he feared he'd never be able to sleep with her soft body so tantalisingly close... but in the end his exhaustion won.

o o o o


	30. Interlude: The Second Night

Part 29: Interlude: The Second Night

o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o

It took Carth a while to realise where he was. Waking up in a real bed, planetside (he could always feel when he was in a ship, whether in motion or not), in an actual room, a warm, soft, curvy body by his side... For a moment he thought he was back on Telos. Even then he knew the woman was not his wife... the memory returned, and his eyes shot open.

He met Shin's calm gaze. She must have been awake for a while because even though hazy with sleep there was no fear or confusion in her eyes. He smiled, just savouring the moment – her trusting eyes, her smooth skin against his.

She was pressed close to him, from head to toe, and his body was reacting to that. She looked tousled, soft, glowing... and then she was moving her head the final fraction closer it took to press her lips against his.

The kiss broke his restraint and he answered it with alacrity, devouring her mouth hungrily. She answered with passion equaling his, and their hands started exploring the others' skin. Soon the few items of clothing they wore got in the way and he removed her top so that he could bury his face into her chest, kissing, nibbling, licking his way via her breasts to her stomach, and lower... she was moaning, quietly, and the sound itself would have been enough to drive him crazy. Combined to the taste and feel of her it made him feel like exploding.

Suddenly he lifted his head, turned to lie on his back and pulled her up and on top of him. He scooted up the bed with her on his lap so that he was half lying half sitting against the headboard of the bed. He was debating whether to let her get up so that he could remove his pants when he realised they were already gone. When had she done that? And how?

Her next move made all his questions disappear into a glowing explosion of pleasure as she settled herself on his lap, and guided him inside her moist softness. Oh sweet Force...

He couldn't stop kissing her, could never get enough of her, so tight, so wet, so so so sweet... he couldn't stand this much longer, and then she did something and he really was exploding, flying apart around her, into her, and she was gasping against his mouth as a wave after wave of pleasure hit over him, her, them... why did it feel like he could feel both of their pleasure? If this was what being with a Jedi felt like how could he ever settle for anything else? Hell, he'd never want anything – anyone – else either way.

He lay on the bed, gasping for air, holding her close like he as never going to let go, and she clung to him just as tightly, and neither one let go even as they started to fall back asleep.

o o o


End file.
